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“I need to know who I am without him, without my past.” Her hands glide down my starched white shirt, along with tears down her cheeks. “But I don’t want to use you to do it.”
“Haven’t you been with other men?”
“Yes, but I was never open with them, not like I am with you. I never wanted to change until now. I wanted to stay stuck in my past, the one that’s wrecked me for so long. Like if I stayed there, I could change it; I could erase what happened. But I can’t. And it hurts too much. I need to let it go. I can’t stay there forever.”
“So you worry you’ll use me?” My fingertips linger down her neck. It’s so soft and rising to my light touch. “Trying to change, trying to forget him?”
“I’ll never forget him. I’ll always love him.” Her hands rest on my chest, over my heart beating so fast this close to her. “That’s why I’m afraid. I won’t lie to you or hurt you, Silas, but I don’t know how to do this, but I wanna try.”
“You’re not hurting me by loving him. Just let me try to love you too.”
I kiss her lips, and I’m in awe again. They’re so full, so soft, and I’ve never kissed a woman with a mouth like hers. It pulls you in, and you don’t want to leave. I come up for air, kiss her ear next, “Like this,” and find my way down her neck while she moans, driving me mad.
I’ve been staring at her neck for so long. With her short hair, it’s exposed and long, and all I’ve wanted to do is sink my teeth into it; in the sexiest way.
“Silas.” She sighs my name, and I give her shoulder a gentle bite because my cock is a dog on a chain for her. It needs to be set free. It needs her. “Do you have condoms?”
“Yes.”
It’s short steps into my bathroom while I grab three from the drawer because I will try all night with her. I’ll try anything to ease her pain. When I turn back her way, she sees my supply in hand.
“How many guests have you had up here?”
“Are you asking how many women I’ve fucked?”
“And men.”
“No men. None other than Alec, like I told you. And women? Maybe nine or ten.”
For the first time since we got here, she laughs. “That means eighteen or twenty.”
It lights up my heart. “You’re telling me I’m the second man for you? What about women?”
“No women, though I’m not opposed.” She steps out of her heels. “And men? Maybe fifteen Marines or so.”
“Marines?” Fuck, that turns me on. “Nice choice.”
“Smart choice.”
“Why smart?” I lay my jacket and the condoms down on the chair.
“Because I only do one night. I only…”
Something drops her gaze to the floor like she’s suddenly plunged into darkness.
“Cade, what is it?”
“This is what I mean. I don’t know how to do this.”
I lift her chin. There’s a storm in her eyes. Desire. Sadness. A heart-breaking vulnerability. “We start by you telling me everything like I told you.”
The pause she gives, it’s like she’s ashamed of this secret. “Other than Redix and after that night, I only let men fuck me from behind and close my eyes almost the whole time.”
“Why?”
Her eyes confront mine like she’s finally confronting this. “Because I have to forget everything and think about him to come.”
“We don’t have to do this.”
