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“I’m glad your brother made it through,” she says. “I don’t think any of us realized how much Alec hadn’t processed Callie’s death—or how hard he was taking the knee injury. It was a shame that happened. But I always saw Alec as having the ability to get past it. It was all too much at once, I think. The injury, his surgery, the accident.” Stella sobers, wringing her hands together. “When he came here, he was in a rough place.”
I nod. “I’ve seen athletes at their lowest. I’ve tried to help them—to rehab them. They have to want it. They have to have a drive that’s larger than themselves. Those who don’t? Those are the ones who quit.”
“He was defeated when he came back to Longdale.” Stella places a hand across her throat. “Some of that spark had disappeared. He’s still searching for himself. But actually, I think he’s lucky in some ways.”
“He doesn’t seem lucky to me.”
“Not at first glance. But he’s been forced to view life with a new lens. Not a lens of his choosing, but it’s a new lens, nonetheless. A deeper one. Now because of his experiences, he gets to learn to see life as it is really meant to be, to find out what his values truly are, to figure out what he really wants. And at a much younger age than most of us.”
“I guess that’s what I’ve been doing here in Longdale, too. Figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I could have been blindly charging ahead with the Wolves for years yet. I guess I’m glad I’m not.”
Stella’s head drops to one side and she offers a wan smile. “Life has a way of working out, if we’re willing to take the hard and let it work in us for good.”
I lean back and take in the room, imagining a smaller Alec running around in here. I want to keep talking about him, learning about him and his mind and heart. Peeling back the rough edges. I want to be patient with the process he’s in.
I want to feel free to love him.
But what I want and what needs to happen are at war. I pat Jerry and move to stand so that he jumps off my lap and onto the floor. His tail is wagging happily as he jumps up on me, his mouth open, his two front paws pressing into my legs. “Stella? Can I keep him? I can’t stand the thought of going back to Texas without him.”
Her smile is big, her eyes crinkling at the edges. “I thought you’d never ask! Of course you can. I was hoping you two would fall in love with him and want to keep him.”
At the mention of Alec, my head starts to pound. “I don’t know, though. Alec loves him, too.”
“You two will figure out what to do with the dog. I’m not worried.”
I start to say something about Jerry’s parents needing to split custody, but it’s just too strange and painful. It’s so stupid, but suddenly tears are burning my eyes.
I cannot cry over Jerry not having a dad! Or not having a mom if we agree that he needs to end up with Alec. I know Alec and I will have to have that conversation and it’s just dumb and sad.
Stella either doesn’t notice my teary eyes, or she doesn’t want to embarrass me by pointing them out. “You sure you have to stay at the motel?” She places a hand on my forearm.
I nod and she clicks her tongue. “I know they allow dogs for an extra fee. But Oakley, there’s no need to drive over to Tollark at this hour. Why don’t you stay here? I’ve got a spare room.” Her eyes search mine. “Things didn’t work out with staying with Alec, huh?”
I know she knows they didn’t. “The flooding has made it difficult for me to be there anymore.” I don’t mention all the info about Alec that has flooded my brain today. Mentioning the actual flooding of the house should suffice.
“That reminds me.” She’s nodding thoughtfully. “Did I ever tell you about the time the boys flooded my basement?”
“No! They didn’t.”
“Oliver and Henry were old enough to know better.” She shakes her head, her face screwing up like she wished she could scold them even now. “But little Alec. Oh, he must have been about five. Oliver and Henry came running upstairs, screaming about seeing a mouse. My response to that must not have been adequate because they decided to take matters into their own hands. Next thing I knew, Sebastian’s running up, his feet and legs soaked, saying something about a flood. He had Alec on one hip and Milo on another, with Gabriel not far behind. I go tearing down there, in a panic, thinking one of my pipes had burst or something. What I found was a very precocious Oliver and Henry, manning my garden hose through the window, yelling about how they were going to flood out the mice.”
I have no words. I just slap my hands over my mouth, my eyes growing wide.
“I learned a few things that day. That Sebastian would do everything he could to take care of his brothers and protect them. And that he would also stand up for what was right. I also learned that Alec had a soft spot in his heart because when Oliver and Henry were grounded because of it, Alec would sneak fruit snacks to them under the bedroom door.”
“I can see him doing that.”
“I think he cried harder about them being grounded than they did! Oakley, Alec’s a good man. He’s in a stretching phase, a growing phase. We don’t always know how to file off our rough edges when we’re going through that.”
“It’s true, we don’t.”
And I realize, with startling clarity, that I’m in that exact same phase. I’ve had to confront my nightmares, stand up for my rights and beliefs, and walk away from things that were important to me.
The thought of walking away from Alec—sweet, undaunted, principled Alec? I can’t do that.
I want to love Alec.
Idolove Alec.
