AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I wipe my eyes, and stand straighter, my hands clasped behind me. I’ve never felt so ashamed. I’ve never felt so betrayed by my body.
“Are you alright?” Sebastian asks, looking me over like I must have broken a bone or two in all this craziness.
I nod, but then shake my head. “I’m so sorry.” It’s only a whisper, which I didn’t intend, but for some reason, my voice isn’t working right now.
He pulls me into a hug, but it’s tight, unyielding. I could normally appreciate the passion, but something about it feels off, like he’s trying to convince me.
Or maybe he’s trying to convince himself.
Of what, I can’t be sure.
As roughly as the hug began, it ends, his arms grasping mine and pulling me away from him. “I’m sorry, too,” he says. “I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch with you when I got back.”
“It’s fine,” I say brightly. “I’m just glad you’re not in Antarctica.”
He gives me another quizzical look. “Look, about what happened . . .”
“I’ve scoured my brain to try to figure it out, Sebastian. I think when I was cleaning up and organizing the tabs and the colors, I must have rearranged that appointment into the wrong week. That’s all I can figure.” I swipe under my eye and take a big breath. “And did you see the T-shirts?”
“Yeah.” He tries to quirk a smile, but it reads more like a grimace. "It’s okay. Mistakes happen.”
“Except I’m sure Gordon and Rowena don’t make mistakes. And I’m sure Britta didn’t.”
“Elianna, everyone does. Come on.” His voice is frustrated now, which is a signal to my brain to pull it together. No more of this self-loathing. No more of the pity party.Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get crap done, Elianna.
“And sorry about Rowena and Gordon,” he adds. “It wasn’t my idea to hire him.”
“I’m sure it’s for the best. We need all the help we can get, right?”
He nods. “This has to be a group effort.”
“So, what do we do now?”
He shakes his head. “I’ve spent all weekend trying to figure it out. We have to pivot, like I always do. And if it doesn’t happen—” he shrugs. “It doesn’t happen.”
I want to be the cheerleader, the one who gets him all pumped up. I try to rouse the song “Pump up the Jam” in my head, even. I want to tell him that no, we’re not going down without a fight, that we can still do this.
But I don’t have it in me because I don’t trust myself in this process. Not anymore.
I just blink and nod, hoping my expression conveys how sorry I am. Not just for my mistake, but for the position he’s in, for his beliefs that distort a true concept of self for him. That his father created this monster between them through his actions.
“Let’s go to the office and get going for the day, okay?” He reaches out a hand and squeezes my shoulder.
I nod mutely and push myself off The Summit door, taking long strides. I know when we get in there, I’ll have to have some tough armor in place.
If there would ever be a manifestation of those adults in the Peanuts cartoon that talk like “Wah wah wah wah wah. Wahwahwah waah. Wah wa,” then it would be Rowena. She epitomizes them to me. And I keep having to tell myself to pay attention to her words that sound so Wah Wahy.
Another indication I don’t belong here.
I’m in my spot for our morning meeting, which has gone on twenty minutes longer than usual, which Sebastian hates, by the way. But today, Gordon is sitting next to me—he’s a bigger, newer, better version of me—and Rowena is next to Sebastian, and things just feel off.
Gordon has The Calendar pulled up on his laptop, too, and we can see what each other’s doing. Each time I go to add something, Gordon beats me to it.
Why am I even here?
Rowena’s waxing poetic with another “Wah wah” speech and I have to literally shake my head to pay attention.
Sebastian tries to make eye contact, and he looks very concerned. Maybe I’ve sprouted another eyeball or something. But regardless, my walls are up. They have to be.
