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“Sounds good.”
“Uh, no. It doesn’t sound good to you, I can tell. What’s wrong, brother?”
I grow quiet. I don’t know how to explain this, and the more I think about it, the worse this makes Elianna look, which is the last thing I want.
“I just have a lot on my mind,” I finally say. “Move forward with this plan.”
Blessedly, he knows not to press me for answers. “Well, okay. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
I probably won’t, and we both know that. Still, it helps to hear it.
I arrive back at the resort and sit in my car in my spot in the parking garage, the weight of everything that’s happened seeping into every cell. I’m chained down, the expectations and responsibilities of my life biting into me, leaving me a bloody mess.
The text I get from her has me reeling:
Elianna:Thanks for reaching out. I’ll get back to you when I feel like I can talk.
I ache for her, but she’s asking me for space. I have to give it to her, don’t I?
I know I can get out of the car and walk back into the building and carry on. I know I can.
But I don’twantto, not without Elianna in my life. And for what feels like the first time, I wonder if the sheer willpower that’s fueled my life thus far is going to fall short.
The thought terrifies me. And I’m slapped again with the realization that she left me. I don’t know what’s going to happen.
All I know is that it hurts.
Chapter 34
Elianna
I’m going to get in a car accident from either blurry vision or from fainting due to dehydration. Both unfortunate conditions are caused by a grotesque amount of tears being shed.
Snotty tears.
And to make things worse, Destiny’s Child is a terrible, terrible traveling companion.
Let it be known the world over that her bladder is microscopic. It’s on one of those pit stops—thanks Destiny’s Child—that I remember about her scheduled playdate with Wilford and Jerry, who were supposed to be her future doggy cousins.
The girl needs friends, if not cousins. She has none. And this was supposed to be the perfect opportunity for her.
I hold back another deluge of tears and text Sophie and Oakley that I can’t make the doggy playdate and thanks anyway.
They’ll find out soon enough that I’m gone, if they haven’t already. I should say something now, but I just can’t. Mostly because it feels wrong talking with them about things when I haven’t even spoken with Sebastian yet.
He’s tried calling a few times, and I wanted to answer, to hear his voice, but then my chest and head would feel crampy and swirly, and I just couldn’t do it.
I can’t believe I ran like that. Remorse, hot and quick, sets in. I should have told him of my decision face-to-face. I know this. I shouldn’t have run. It’s such a dramatic thing to do, and I’m nothing if not dramatic.
Still, echoes of my life reverberate in my ears—haunting me as I drive.
You leave when things get hard.
During one of Destiny’s Child’s stops, I finally text him back, letting him know I’ll get back to him when I feel ready.
I drive in numbness, and after trying, and failing to make the drive non-stop to Dana Point, I find a place to stay in Southern Utah that accepts pets. I’d originally planned to try to drive non-stop to save money because I’m going to take what I’ve earned working for Sebastian and live on that so I can finish the grant writing and work as a dramaturg for the playhouse—for free for now. Thanks to my friend Dori, the set designer, letting me sleep on her couch, the money from Tate International will be enough to live on for a while.
That’s assuming we can find somewhere to even house the play.
