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The deep, dark truth of who I was, what I was running from, and just how far death would go to snatch me.
Eventually, it would catch me and the loss and grief I lived and breathed would land heavily on Neri’s shoulders. She would feel that pain. She would live that loss. She would watch me die and leave her with nothing.
I’d break her.
Shatter her.
By loving her, I’d steal everything that made her Neri, and...I can’t.
I would rather exist in heartbreak and watch her find happiness with another man than ever put her through that.
I crashed from aching lust to inconsolable love, and I gasped at the mistake I’d made.
I’d slipped and shown my truth.
I’d shown her how desperately I’d fallen.
And it made it so much harder to sell the lie.
But...I’d already told her how far I’d go. How I’d happily take the torture if it meant she remained safe. This was me...putting her first, above my dreams, my hopes, my life.
I swayed as I typed:
Me: This was a mistake. You’re young and fanciful, and...I’m sorry for leading you on. I’m drunk and got carried away, and in doing so, you proved that although I do have feelings for you, they aren’t real. Not in the marrying way. It’s just lust, and time will make those feelings fade.
I couldn’t breathe as I forced myself to send another. To slash at any hope she might hold. I couldn’t leave her with any illusions that I didn’t mean this.
I would never change my mind.
Me: The night on the beach in Daintree, I told you I loved you and explained the reasons we could never be together. Those reasons were lies. I see that now. They gave you false hope that if we could overcome them, we could be together. But...there is no us. I don’t want there to be an us. I want us to stay the way we are. I think the best thing to do is to delete this entire conversation. Let’s delete everything, okay? I only want the best for you, Nerida. I always have. I always will. I love you. I’ll keep saying that because it’s true. But I’m not in love with you. And that’s the part you have to believe.
I bit my tongue to prevent snarling at the sky.
I waited for her reply with agonising breath.
And when it came, my entire soul shattered.
Neri: Tell me...right now...Do. You. Want. Me? A simple question with a simple answer. Do you want me, Aslan? No lies. No spinning truths. This is your final chance. Your final moment to stop me from living a life without you in it.
I read the words and heard what she meant.
She was done playing these games.
All it would take was an admittance that I would suffocate if she so much as looked at another guy, and it took every bit of strength to push her into that faceless bastard’s arms.
I couldn’t catch a proper breath. Tears stung like acid in my eyes. My heart stopped beating as I typed.
Me: No. I don’t want you. Find another.
I tossed my phone away.
The stars continued twinkling.
The sea continued rocking.
And Neri accepted my lies.
I ought to be fucking grateful.
