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“By fucking you.”
“By keeping me grounded! Whenever I’m in your arms, I can’t think about anything else.”
“So you’re using me to hide.” I stood in a rush and slapped my palm against the door. It swung shut with a slam. I winced, hoping Jack and Anna didn’t hear.
I’d wanted to keep it open so Jack and Anna wouldn’t start getting suspicious on the number of visits Neri paid me. Not that they showed any signs of suspecting.
Then again, it wasn’t unusual for Neri and I to be close. We’d spent almost six years in each other’s pockets. It wasn’t our togetherness or platonic touches that would alert them to our secrets...it would be this.
Us shouting at each other.
A fight that was so unusual it would raise questions.
“If you don’t want to talk to me, then you need to find someone else to talk to, Nerida. That is non-negotiable.” I marched into her and grabbed her cheeks. My fingertips burned from touching her. My heart kicked. My blood heated.
She licked her lips, unable to look away from me. “I just need to reclaim my body, that’s all. And you’re helping me do that. Every time you fill me, you’re reminding me that it’s my choice. My decision. I feel so safe when I’m with you. Is it so wrong to admit that I need you to keep fucking me...so I don’t become afraid of it?”
“Afraid of sex? Or afraid of me? Is that what you think will happen?” I strangled. “That if we stop tearing each other’s clothes off that you’ll suddenly not want it anymore?”
Tears welled on her bottom lashes. “What if...what if I lose that sense of safety in your arms? What if...what if all I can remember about sex is what he did and not what we have?” She didn’t give me a chance to reply, whispering, “I-I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about it, Aslan. I fully believed I’d be able to snap my fingers and say it’s in the past. It was just sex. He didn’t even hurt me...not really.”
“Didn’t hurt you?” My fingers dug into her cheekbones. “Fuck, Neri, is that what you’re telling yourself? You think he didn’t hurt you?” Dropping my right hand, I cupped her breast, immediately finding her thundering heart beneath. “He hurt you right here, askim. He hurt you where no one can see. It’s a wound that has to be tended, just like the burns on your ankles and the bruises on your wrists. But unlike those bruises, you can’t hide these with make-up and concealer until they’re gone.”
She nodded weakly. “I know. I know you’re right. I’ve read online that it’s normal for the trauma to get worse the longer I don’t confront it. But...I don’t want to confront it. I don’t want him to take anymore from me than he already did.”
“But don’t you see, Neri? He’s taking bits of you every day that you pretend it didn’t happen.”
She started trembling in my hold. “Do you...is that why you’re angry with me? You’ve been short-tempered with me for weeks. Is it...is it because...he’s been inside me?” She choked on things she’d buried. “Am I...is that why you don’t want to sleep with me? Why you told me to keep your door open? Why you didn’t come to my room last night when Dad and Mum popped to the supermarket? Do you...” She sucked in a tattered breath. “Do you think I’m...dirty.... That I’m...undesirable after he—”
“Fuck.” My ears rang.
My heart stopped.
My fucking knees gave out.
I dropped to the floor, dragging her with me.
She cried out as we collapsed together, knees to knees. Tears burned my eyes at the thought of her fears, her doubts, her awful beliefs that she would never have contemplated before. She would never have even entertained such an idea. She knew who she was. She knew the absolute power she had over me.
To think she doubted herself, me...us.
It fucking destroyed me.
Rage poured thick and hot through my veins. Aggression raised its ugly head, and I grabbed her cheeks far too roughly. “Beni dinle, Nerida Avci, iyi dinle—” Cursing under my breath, I switched my mind from the tongue it automatically went to when my emotions exploded, repeating in curt English, “You listen to me, Nerida Avci, and you listen good. I’m not going to tell you what you cannot say or think because it won’t make a damn bit of difference. Your mind is yours to use as you please. I can’t stop you from thinking such things. I can’t stop you from convincing yourself that what Ethan did to you has made you undesirable, dirty, or wrong.”
She winced, but I held her firm and kept going.
“What he did is not your fault. What I did to him is not your fault. You didn’t encourage him to rape you, and you didn’t force me to hurt him. He preyed on you because he’s a cunt, and I hope to fucking God I killed him. He made his choice. I made mine. And now you have to make a choice to accept that both of those things happened. They happened, Neri. It wasn’t a nightmare. It isn’t something you can ignore. He. Hurt. You. It wasn’t sex. What he did to you was not sex, so stop fearing that you’ll become afraid of something that is natural and so fucking good between us. What he did is the exact opposite of what we have. And I’m begging you to see that. I’m begging you to allow yourself to see that. Stop putting on a brave face. Stop pretending he didn’t deserve to die and stop letting his voice tear you apart.”
“Aslan, stop.” She clung to my wrists, trying to get away. “Enough—”
“No, it’s not enough. I’ve been too soft on you. I love you, Neri. I love you so fucking much. I’d do anything to take this away from you and shoulder all your pain, but I can’t. All I can do is show you how wrong you are. Show you that I could never think of you as dirty or undesirable. To even suggest that is fucking lunacy.”
Dropping my hands from her cheeks, I unbuttoned my jeans and unzipped. Diving my hands into my shorts, I pulled out my cock. Hard and angry, a mirror image of the rest of me. “See what you do to me? See what you’ve always done? You are the most fascinating, stunning, and by far the most wonderful creature I’ve ever seen. You put me to shame with your strength and bravery. You’re intelligent, kind, and so in-tune with animals that you sometimes make me think you’re not human. You blow me away with your aspirations and dreams. You make me lie awake at night with how bright your future is and not a day goes by that I don’t wake up with my own fears. A true logical fear that you’ll realise I don’t deserve you. Because no one fucking does. No one can come close to you, Neri. No one can...because it’s you.”
My voice turned thick and dark. “But you know what? Just because I don’t deserve you and just because you’re doubting how wonderful you are, I’m going to give you a lesson. I’m going to show you that despite my fury at you for doubting yourself, I can’t say no to you. I’ve never been able to say no. You’ve tormented me since you were barely old enough to know what you were doing. Your every look makes me throb. Your every touch makes me twitch. And if you don’t trust a single thing about your life or who you are right now, then trust in this.”
Raising up to my knees, I grabbed her shoulders and flipped her around.
