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I rubbed its peach spikes as if it were a genie’s lamp, wishing for just another few years of luck. Another few years of safety. Another few years of this.
But as sleep came for me, the nightmares swarmed.
Only this time, the nightmares weren’t about losing my family...
I lost her instead.
Chapter Sixteen
*
Nerida
*
(Love in Swahili : Upendo)
“IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME, I’D never put my hand up to be on the data-gathering team that day. I would’ve opted to stay onboard the university’s research vessel. If only I hadn’t been stung by that stupid sea slug, Aslan wouldn’t have slipped into dark, depressing thoughts that never truly stopped stalking him.”
“I’m guessing he struggled seeing you hurt again.” Margot blew on the steam rising from her coffee mug. Tiffany had kindly brought us a tray of caffeine as the clock kept ticking and the night kept passing.
“He did.” I nodded, sipping my almond latte. “At least with Ethan, he had an enemy to destroy. With this, he didn’t have anything to direct his fear and fury at. Each time he looked at my rash, the shadows in his coal-black eyes would gather and swarm. Each time he heard me hiss with discomfort, he’d withdraw a little as if he couldn’t cope with the depth of worry he had for me.
“I took a few days off from classes to get over the worst of the nausea and dizziness. Aslan stayed by my side. Frankly, he suffocated me with care. He never let me out of his sight. He leapt to his feet each time I shifted on the couch as if he could personally deliver everything I needed to heal and heal swiftly.
“He brooded while I spoke to Teddy and spent the afternoon sketching up another biosphere concept, and practically jumped down Honey’s throat when she called to check on me.
“Everyone saw the overprotective man at his wit’s end to keep me healthy and alive, but only I saw the floundering boy who’d never dealt with his grief. Grief that drowned him in a terrible way the moment he heard the word fatal.
“He tortured himself with researching glaucus atlanticus. He snapped at my parents when they called to discuss my recovery. He punished himself for not being there to protect me, when really, it wasn’t his duty to protect me. Not from life itself. It was his duty to love me. To be faithful and caring and supportive, but it wasn’t his responsibility to stop me from existing. To prevent things from happening just because sometimes those things hurt.”
“Let me guess...he didn’t agree,” Margot said. “He’d rather burn the world to ash than risk losing you.”
I sighed sadly. “Some might say that was unhealthy.”
“Undoubtedly unhealthy.” Dylan nodded. “But also, understandable.”
I looked at the swirling coffee in my cup. “I really did try to free him from his pain. I was there for him if he wanted to talk. I was there to wake him from his nightmares with kisses and sex, using our physical connection to bring his mind back to me. But ultimately, he had to be the one to stop running from his demons and accept them.”
“His demons being his blood?”
My eyes shot to Dylan and his very poignant remark. “You’ve been listening closely.”
He half shrugged, swallowing a hot mouthful of espresso. “Like I said, I’m good at reading between the lines. You mentioned that Aslan never got over his family’s death because of his guilt. He carried their death all his life. He believed he was the reason they were fleeing in the first place, which meant he never fully embraced who he truly was because in order to do that, he had to embrace the parts of himself that came from his true father. The very man who was the reason for all that loss and guilt and grief.”
Goosebumps darted down my arms as my heart grew heavier than I could bear. “You’re right. About everything. If only Aslan had trusted himself as much as I trusted him, then he might finally have been free.”
Free.
That word mocked me the moment it fell from my lips.
He’d been free.
For eight wonderful years, he’d been free with me.
But that freedom was almost at an end.
Tears welled, bruising my eyes like they always did whenever I thought back to that night in the hospital, the many nights after when Aslan would wake, roaring with misery and mayhem, fighting off ghosts, seeing a nightmare where I was gone, and he had nothing.
