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I nod.
"The Caleb Becker? Leah Beckers brother, Caleb Becker?"
I cock my head to the side and nod some more.
Sabrinas mouth drops open and her eyes bug out.
Like a shock wave, I realize Caleb had been right all along. Going to Spain was just a copout, a way to escape people and a way for me to forget the accident for a little while. But the accident happened. There is no way to forget it. And I limp. I have to face the fact I will never be the same as before.
Its okay. Im okay. Taking a deep breath, I realize something. . .
I feel stronger and more alive than I did before the accident.
The door to the bathroom opens. Mrs. Gibbons walks into the bathroom. Her eyebrows go up when she witnesses our little confrontation. "Arent you all supposed to be in class?"
None of us answer. Kendra is staring at me, Hannah keeps looking from Kendra to me and back to Kendra, Sabrina still has her mouth open in shock, and Im not revealing anything.
"Okay, then. Lets all take a little trip to Mr. Meyers office so he can get to the bottom of this. "
"Fine with me," I say.
"Me, too," Sabrina says, backing me up. I owe a big apology to her for being such a jerk before the accident. Sometimes you have to steer away from the crowd in order to be a better person. Its not always easy, thats for sure. But its right. And sometimes doing the right thing feels so good. Even if it does end up in a trip to the principals office.
Kendras eyes are still spitting fire. "Whatever. "
"Yeah, whatever," Hannah says, doing an embarrassing imitation of her best friend. I almost feel sorry for her.
We all follow Mrs. Gibbons to the front office. Sabrina is looking at me, wide-eyed. "No way! Caleb Becker?" she mouths silently.
Its not Kendras fault shes beautiful and pretty. Its not even Calebs fault for being attracted to her. It doesnt even matter.
What matters is that Im not carrying around feelings of hatred and betrayal. Its been too exhausting. Mrs. Reynolds was right.
I dont hate Kendra.
I dont hate Leah.
I dont hate Caleb.
Im feeling stronger than I have in . . . well, I cant even remember when. All I know is that I feel good. No, better than that. I feel strong.
FORTY-ONE
Caleb
Meyer points to me and jabs his finger into the air with each word as he says, "Okay, Becker. In my office. " I follow him into his office, then he closes the door once Im sitting in the chair opposite his desk. Hes pissed off. I can tell by the way his neck muscles twitch and the colors of his face and bald head turn a deep shade of red. He doesnt even sit in his chair. He sits on the edge of his desk right over me. Hes trying to be intimidating, to scare me into being a good kid. But hes never roomed with a guy like Julio. And if Julio didnt intimidate me, Meyer doesnt stand a chance.
"Why did you start a fight with Drew Rudolph?"
I cant tell him the truth. If the whole thing comes out, Leah could be dragged into this, too. And Kendra. And Maggie. Leah has been acting creepy. I dont know what shell end up saying. Will she blurt out the truth, that she was the one who hit Maggie? "I dont know," I say dumbly.
Meyers anger deflates while frustration takes its place. "What am I going to do with you, Becker? Ive had a parent call and say you were responsible for coercing a peer into consuming alcohol. Another complaint was filed by the wrestling coach from Fremont . . . something about you bullying one of his top wrestlers. Youre on thin ice here, on the fast track to being a delinquent forever. Dont you understand the only person your behavior ultimately hurts is you? Unless you can explain yourself, I have no choice but to give you a suspension. "
Suspension? Oh, shit. I would defend myself, but its no use. The guy wouldnt believe me, anyway. I stay silent.
"You have nothing to say about these accusations?"
"Nope. "
"Caleb, have a seat outside while I figure out how to proceed with this. "
So now Im stuck in another metal chair outside Meyers office. Closed doors and metal chairs are the recurring themes in my life.
I look up when the door to the front office opens.
Maggie walks in the office, just feet from where Im sitting. Only able to check her out from the side, I study her face. She has high cheekbones and a straight nose. Its not small; it has a little bump in the middle, almost as if God wanted to put it there so her nose wouldnt be perfect. She wouldnt be Maggie without that imperfection. Shes not in-your-face pretty like Kendra, but theres something about her . . . that mix of insecurity and regal features that dont fit. Every one of her features reflects who she is. Except her scars.
Those I wish I could take away with a touch of my fingers and transfer them to my own body.
Maggie is focused on the counter, reading something intently. Her hair falls like a curtain shielding her face from me. Im barely aware of Sabrina, Kendra, and Hannah in the room, too. This place is getting crowded.
Mrs. Gibbons, the art teacher, knocks on Meyers door. She peeks her head inside when he barks for her to enter his sacred domain. "Weve had a situation with some of the senior girls. "
The girls head single file into his office. Kendra looks defiant, Hannah looks scared, Sabrina looks indifferent, and Maggie is . . . she seems resolved to handle whatever comes flying at her.
The girls come out a few minutes later. Maggie doesnt look at me. She files out of the office with the rest of the girls.
Meyer reappears at the door. "Okay, Becker. Your turn. "
I go into his office and am directed to yet another chair. This one is padded. I rest my elbows on my knees and think of what Meyer said: Im on the fast track for being a delinquent forever. Maggie was probably right: if you disappear, then you dont have to always be reminded of the past wherever you turn.
I did my community service, but havent gotten my final release papers. Damon is seriously going to kill me when he finds out I got in a fight. What the hell is going to happen when I go back to the DOC? I hope Mom and Leah dont go over the edge.
I hear the clicking of shoes and look up. My mother is standing in the doorway of Meyers office. Her lips are tight. I can sense she has a loose rein on control because I see her wobbling slightly from side to side.
"Ah, Mrs. Becker," Meyer says. "Thanks for coming so quickly. "
Mom nods and holds onto the door frame. "So . . . should I take him home?"
Meyer walks up to my mom and puts his hand on her shoulder to steady her. "The boy whom Caleb assaulted has not filed any charges as yet, but policy forces me to keep him off school grounds until this is resolved. Youll get a call from me after Ive consulted the district superintendent to inform you of the length of Calebs suspension. "
Mom nods, then focuses on me. She looks tired. The deep lines under her eyes and at the corners of her mouth look deeper than Ive ever seen them. I put those lines there. Without meaning to, Ive broken my mothers spirit.
In the car, Ive got nothing to say. And when silent tears start dripping out of her tired eyes, all I want to do is escape. Because I cant tell her anything to make her feel better, I cant fight this snowball of bullshit that has become my life.
I sit in my room until darkness falls, when someone knocks on my door. "Caleb, open up," a familiar transition counselors voice rings out.
Great, now I get to be reamed out by Damon.
"Let me have it," I say dryly as I let him in.
If youve never seen a black guys face get red with anger, youve never seen Damon Manning pissed off. "What the hell is going on? I got a call from your principal this afternoon telling me youre suspended for two weeks. You want to go back to the DOC?"
"Sure. You got cuffs ready?" I say, holding my arms out in front of me.
Damon gets in my face, real close. "Listen, punk, I have no problem slapping cuffs on you and hauling your ass back to prison. But I dont think you realiz
e your eighteenth birthday is just around the corner. And you know what kind of eighteenth birthday present you get from the State of Illinois? You get transferred to the big boy jail. Thats right, the adult place where the inmates rule, and not one day will go by that you wont be threatened or forced to do shit youve only heard about. I dont want you in there, Caleb, because youll go in a confused smartass boy and come out a hardened bastard. Theyll eat you alive there and nobody can save your ass. You hear me? Now tell me why the hell youve been getting into fights. "
Im so used to pleading guilty, I forget sometimes to tell the truth. I look Damon straight on, no playing around this time. "I was protecting Maggie. Drew insulted her. "
Damon takes my desk chair and sits in it. He puts his hand on his forehead and starts rubbing it, kind of like Meyer did this afternoon. "Caleb, whatre you doing? Shes your victim. You hit her with your car. "
"I didnt do it. "
"What?" he snaps.
"I said I didnt mean to do it. "
Damon takes his hand off his forehead and leans forward. "I dont know what youre trying to pull here, but its not good. If you cant pretend Maggie doesnt exist, then leave town. She called my boss this morning expressing concern about her safety. She said youve been sexual with her, and now that its over youve harassed her. "
"What?"
Damon looks straight at me. "Maggie Armstrong says shes filing a complaint. Oh, dont look so shocked, Caleb. What did you expect? When you dont follow the rules you pay the consequences. Its simple. "
Nothing is that simple. I swallow. My throat feels constricted. Maggie hates me enough to send me back to the DOC?
"I need to know," Damon continues. "Did you have a sexual encounter with her?"
I sit on my bed and rest my head in my hands. Jeez, this cannot be happening. "That depends on what you mean by a sexual encounter. "
"Dont fuck with me, Becker. "
"I didnt have sex with her. "
"Did you harass her?"
I shake my head. "We had a relationship, a mutual relationship. It was no big deal. Its over. Done. "
"How did it end?"
"Abruptly. "
Damon blows out a breath in frustration, then pulls out a stack of papers from his briefcase. "I got your release papers signed. You finished your community service. "
I stare at the papers as if they have angels wings on them, but my head is still reeling. I thought what Maggie and I shared was . . . well, it was a hell of a lot more than I ever had with Kendra. If Maggie hooked up with me just for revenge . . . oh, hell.
"Youre released, but we have a bit of a problem. You cant go back to school. Caleb?"
"Yeah. "
"Everybody isnt against you, you know. "
I nod. Right now, I cant agree. I was so pumped to fix everything when I returned home. But all Ive been doing is fighting instead of fixing. Im at a loss here.
After Damon leaves, I head to the kitchen. Mom is leaning against the sink. Shes shaking as she takes a bunch of pills and swallows them with a gulp of water.
"Mom, what are you doing?"
"Taking medication for tension and stress. "
I snatch the bottle of pills off the counter.
"Give me that back," she orders.
Taking a closer look at the drugs name on the bottle. Diazepam. Valium. "How long have you been taking these?"
