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"More than you realize, Caleb. You gonna make an appearance at Brians?"
"No way. " Its shitty enough I have to be gawked at by a bunch of adults. "Why? You going?"
Leah raises her eyebrows and looks right at me. I get it. Shes not going either.
"You should probably keep an eye on Mom," Leah says, biting on one of her black-painted nails.
"Why?"
"Because she just picked up a microphone. "
As if on cue, a loud, buzzing sound comes from the porch, then our moms voice bellows through the yard. "Thank you all for coming," she announces with a flair that would make the Queen of England proud. "And for welcoming my son Caleb back with open arms. "
Open arms? My own mother wont lay a hand on me unless its in a public forum. I cant stomach another word. More than I dread that upcoming meeting with my transition counselor, I dread getting up and speaking into that microphone.
Because what Im itching to say wont be fake or phony.
I duck out the side gate. As I head down to Paradise Park, I untuck the geeky shirt from my too-tight trousers and unbutton each button until the entire shirt is open.
This is the first time Ive felt any freedom since Ive been home.
I can go where I want and unbutton my shirt as much as I want. I dont have anybody watching me or looking at me or talking to me or gawking at me. How I wish I could rewind the past year and start over. Life doesnt let you do that. You cant erase the past, but Im going to try and make other people forget it.
I reach the park and gaze at the familiar, old oak tree I climbed when I was a kid. Drew and I once had a contest who could climb the highest. I won, right before the branch I was on snapped and I fell to the ground. I had a cast on my arm for six weeks after that fall, but I didnt care. Id won.
I look up, trying to locate that broken branch. Is it still here, evidence of that day long ago? Or has the tree gone through enough seasons to erase the past?
An intake of breath takes me by surprise as I circle the tree. Right in front of me, sitting leaning against the trunk of the old oak, is Maggie Armstrong.
Six
Maggie
I notice movement beside me and realize Im not alone. I snap my head up. Theres a guy standing in front of me, one I recognize from my nightmares. He isnt a figment of my imagination, either. Its really him--Caleb Becker in the flesh, looking up as if searching for something important. A big gasping sound automatically escapes from my mouth.
He hears me and quickly focuses on me. He doesnt move, not even when his icy blue eyes connect with mine.
Hes grown in the past year. He acted tough back then, but now Caleb has a menacing look about him. His hair is cut short, his shirt is unbuttoned, showing off his muscled chest. That, combined with the tight-fitting pants hes wearing, screams danger.
I cant breathe. Im paralyzed. With anger. With anxiety. With fear.
Were at an impasse, neither of us speaking. Just staring. I dont even think Im able to blink. Im frozen in time.
Ive been face to face with him many times, but now everything has changed. He doesnt even look like himself, except for his straight nose and confident stance that has been, and I suppose always will be, Caleb Becker.
"This is awkward," he says, breaking the long silence. His voice is deeper and darker than I remember.
This is not just seeing him out of my bedroom window.
Were alone.
And its dark.
And its oh, so different.
Needing to go back to the safety of my bedroom, I try to stand. A hot, shooting pain races down the side of my leg and I wince.
I watch in horror and shock as he steps forward and grabs my elbow.
Oh. My. God. I automatically jerk away from his grip. Memories of being stuck in a hospital bed unable to move crash through my mind as I straighten.
"Dont touch me," I say.
He holds his hands up as if I just said "Stick em up. "
"You dont have to be afraid of me, Maggie. "
"Yes . . . yes I do," I say, panicking.
I hear him let out a breath, then he steps back. But he doesnt leave, he just stares at me strangely. "We used to be friends. "
"That was a long time ago," I say. "Before you hit me. "
"It was an accident. And I paid my debt to society for it. "
Its a totally surreal moment, and one I dont want to last longer than it has to. While my insides shake from nervousness, I say, "You may have paid your debt to society, but what about your debt to me?"
After the words leave my lips, I cant believe Ive said them. I turn away and limp back home without a backward glance. I dont stop until I open the front door of my house.
When I reach my room, I sit inside my closet and close the door like I used to do when I wanted to block out my parents fights. All I had to do was close my eyes and put my hands over my ears . . . and hum.
I close my eyes. The image of Caleb, standing in front of me with those intense blue eyes of his, is branded in my brain. Even though hes nowhere near, I can still hear his dark voice. The night of the accident, the pain Ive suffered, my whole life changing, it all races back to haunt me.
I start to hum.
SEVEN
Caleb
Im being tested. Jail. Mom. Leah. Dad. And now Maggie. When I left Moms ridiculous party, the last thing I needed was to come face to face with Maggie. She looked at me as if Id run over her again, given half a chance. I only talked to her because . . . because maybe I wanted to prove to her that Im not the evil monster she obviously thinks I am.
Im still standing in the park like an idiot. Wind makes the leaves of the trees rustle as if theyre talking to each other. I look up at the old oak. In a few months those talking leaves will fall to the ground and die, only to be replaced by new leaves and new gossip.
Right now I feel like an old leaf. I went away, and deep inside a part of me has died. I vowed Id come back to Paradise and get that life back, that old life where everything was easy.
I lean against the oak, its trunk so thick nothing but a bulldozer could destroy it. If I could be like the tree instead of an insignificant leaf. I would talk to my mom, to Maggie, to Leah . . . Id be strong enough to convince them to stop acting like the accident had to change everything.
It was an accident, for heavens sake.
The kid in jail who stabbed the girl . . . that was no accident. Julio dealing drugs for money . . . that was no accident. Im not saying driving drunk isnt a crime--it is. And when I pled guilty to the charges, I was ready to take whatever punishment the judge ordered--without regrets.
I was accused of the crime, I did the time. Its over.
Theres one glitch: Maggie Armstrong doesnt want to forgive me.
She said I havent paid my debt to her.
Is there any end to this punishment Ive put upon myself?
I wont let Maggie, or my family, make me unfocused. If being stuck in the DOC didnt screw me up, the people in Paradise cant. My sister is going to have to figure out why she thinks being a fuckin weirdo outcast is better than going back to the way things were before I left. And my mom is going to, somehow, get real and stop acting like shes in a movie. My dad . . . my dads gonna have to grow some balls one of these days. And Maggie . . .
Maggies going to have to realize that the accident was just that. . . an accident.
No matter what happens, Im not leaving Paradise. She might as well get used to me.
They all better get used to me.
EIGHT
Maggie
"How was the party?" Mom asks as she irons her uniform for work the next morning.
"Great. "
"Is your leg okay?"
"Its fine. " I havent even thought about my leg this morning; its the least of my worries. Im obsessing about Spain. Last night, seeing Caleb reinforced my determination to leave this town. "Did we get the packet from the Interna
tional Student Exchange Program yet?" The website said the packets would arrive a week ago.
Mom continues ironing. "I havent seen it. I hope it includes information about wheelchair accessibility. If your leg starts giving you problems, youll have to get one. "
"Mom, please. Do we always have to discuss the what ifs?"I head to the refrigerator walking as straight as I can.
"It doesnt hurt to be prepared, Maggie. I wont be there to push you along or help you once youre there. "
"Ill be fine, Mom. Stop worrying. "
Its sad. One minute Mom is pushing me to go out and do things with my friends like before. In the next breath shes being overprotective, overconcerned and smothering. She contradicts herself all the time. I think its because shes trying to act as a take-charge father and protective mother all at once. Shes getting all confused in the process. Shes confusing me, too.
She puts the iron down and gives me a big hug. "I want you to go to Spain. Youve been looking forward to it for so long. But I also need to know youre taken care of. Its only because I love you so much, you know that. "
"I know," I squeak out. I dont add that her love, like her hugs, can smother a person to death.
NINE
Caleb
Im playing a one-man game of pool in the basement while my transition coach is yakking to my parents upstairs in the living room. If the situation werent so invasive, I would find it frickin hilarious.
My transition coach is Damon Manning, a guy who went through the juvenile justice system just as I did. Hes assigned to check up on me and supervise my community service. Lucky me. I have a parole officer with a fancy title.
Its bullshit, but Damons report will go directly to a judge assigned to my case and the review committee, so I have to play nice. It wont be easy. Ive been on edge since Ive been home.
I met Damon right before I left the DOC. The guy is a big black man who doesnt take shit from anyone.
My dad sticks his head into the basement as I accidentally sink the eight ball. "Caleb," he calls out. "Mr. Manning is ready for you. "
I enter the living room and watch my mom.
"Can I get you anything?" she asks Damon nervously. Shes not used to big, black ex-cons in her house, but shes still playing the consummate hostess.
"No, thanks. Ill just be having a little chat with your son, then be on my way. "
I sit down in one of the silk-cushioned chairs, but Damon immediately stands.
"Lets go for a walk," Damon says. Its not a suggestion.
I shrug. "Sure. Whatever. "
Damon holds onto a manila folder while we walk down Masey Avenue toward the park and end up sitting on a picnic bench.
"Hows it goin?" Damon asks. The guy opens his folder and clicks his pen. Click. Click.
"Fine," I lie.
"Be more specific. " Damon makes it sound like an order. Everything the guy says sounds like an order. It just winds my nerves that much tighter.
"About what?"
Click. Click. "Tell me about your family. Seems like youve got a pretty nice home life. "
Seems being the operative word. "Listen, my mom is a robot, my dads a wimp, and my sister is a fuckin zombie. Id say that pretty much sums it up. "
I watch Damon close his folder then look straight at me. "Nobody said it would be easy. "
"Yeah, well nobody said it was gonna be this fuckin hard, either. "
"Does it make you feel like a big guy to cuss in every sentence that comes out of your mouth?" "Lay off, man. "
