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"Yeah. "
Its obvious from the look of the place he lives alone. Theres no artwork on the bare white walls. The place isnt like my house back in Paradise-its too plain and too unused, like he just comes here to sleep and thats it.
"You divorced?" I ask.
"You gonna stop asking questions? I think I liked you better on the ride here, when you didnt talk at all. "
After Damon makes a surprisingly good dinner of chicken and rice that reminds me of my moms cooking, he heads down a narrow hall to bed. Its quiet in the house. Im not used to this much silence. At Rios place, there were always people partying or coming in and out at all hours. I didnt mind, because I dont sleep much anyway.
I turn the light off although I know Im not going to get much sleep tonight. Itll be like usual . . . every fifteen minutes Ill wake up and stare at the ceiling and pray for sleep to come. It does, but in such short spurts I wonder what itd be like to get a full nights sleep with no interruptions. That hasnt happened for years . . . since before the accident.
In the morning Im eating some healthy whole-grain type of cereal when Damon walks into the kitchen. I cant help but ask, "Why did you help me?"
"Because I think youre a good kid," he says, his back to me as he stands in front of the stove and fries some eggs. "You just have to make better choices. "
In the late afternoon, we throw our bags in the car. Damon stops off at the Redwood community center, where a big white van is waiting for us. He gets summoned into the building and tells me to hang by the van and introduce myself to the rest of the group. Theres two other guys and three girls standing there waiting with their baggage.
When one of the girls moves aside and I get a glimpse of the person she was shielding, my entire body goes numb.
Maggie.
TWO
Maggie
watch my protein bar fall onto the blacktop in slow motion, and the bite in my mouth tastes like dust. What is Caleb doing here? Where has he been the past eight months? He left town without a trace after our brief and crazy relationship. Why didnt he try to reach me, or at least give me a sign that hes alive?
Hes got those same blue eyes, that same chiseled face, and those same lean muscles peeking out of his T-shirt. Hes real, and live, and walking right toward me.
I cant look away, even though I desperately want to.
He lets out a slow breath and says, "This is kinda awkward, huh. " His voice sounds familiar but different. Its got an edge to it that wasnt there the last time we saw each other.
"Yeah," I manage to squeak out. Umm . . .
"Howve you been?"
I cant answer that question. Its too fake. If he cared how Ive been, he would have figured out a way to see me or talk to me. He left me before Christmas, before New Years, before Valentines Day, before my birthday, before prom and graduation. Before I got the news Id have a permanent limp for the rest of my life without any hope of a full recovery. "What are you doing here?"
He shrugs. "I was asking myself that same question this morning. "
One of the other guys standing with us, the one with long curly hair that falls in his face, farts. Whats worse is that he makes a big show of moaning and pushing it out, like a little kid.
"Dude, do you mind?" Caleb asks.
"What?" the guy says, unfazed. "I had to let it rip. "
"Let it rip when youre alone, man. Dont be a fuckin prick. "
"What are you, the fart police?" the guy says, stepping toward Caleb. Caleb stands tall, as if hes been in a lot of fights and isnt afraid of adding another one to his tally.
This is unreal. I cant feel my toes because Im in shock, and Caleb and this guy are going to get into a fight over . . . farting?
"Cool it, guys," bellows a rough voice. A tall black guy with a clipboard points to me. "Maggie, can I have a word with you for a minute? In private. " He points to Caleb. "You too, Becker. Now. "
I follow the guy away from the van, painfully aware that Caleb is following close behind. Im tempted to turn around and demand to know where hes been, but I dont even know if I could get the words out.
The guy stops at a picnic table and drops his clipboard on it. He introduces himself to me as Damon Manning, the senior leader and chaperone of our group, then looks pained as he says, "Obviously, you two cant be on this trip together. Maggie, I had no idea my assistant put you in as the replacement after Heather dropped out. "
"Ill drop out," Caleb offers eagerly.
"The hell you will, Becker. Youve got no choice but to do this. "
That means Damon expects me to drop out. If I was the old Maggie, the one who was afraid of the least bit of conflict or confrontation, Id drop out in a heartbeat. But Im stronger now, and I dont back down from anything. Even Caleb.
I turn to Damon with determination. "Im not dropping out. "
"Maggie, Im sorry but its not going to work with both of you-"
"Im not leaving," I interrupt.
Damon rubs a hand over his bald head and sighs. I can tell hes wavering . . . at least a little bit. What can I say to convince him I dont have to quit the trip just because Caleb happens to be on it? Truth is, being with Caleb will be a challenge-a huge one I hadnt expected. But I decide Im going to prove it to myself and to him that Ive moved on. I dont let the past dictate my life anymore. Were both eighteen now, both considered adults in the eyes of the law.
"This is a bad idea," Damon chimes in. "A really bad idea. "
"Can I talk to Caleb alone?" I ask him.
Damon looks from me to Caleb. "Okay. Youve got five minutes. "
When Damon walks away, I swallow hard and force myself to face Caleb. He looks worn out, but at the same time a fierce strength radiates from him.
I used to think he was everything I wanted and needed. If I had Caleb Becker at my side, my life would be okay. And it was, for a little while at least.
"Its been eight months," I say in a small voice. Thinking of how much Ive missed him makes my eyes well up. I blink and pray my tears dont fall. Not now, when I have to stay strong. I say something, anything, so I dont lose it. "You missed graduation. "
"I missed a lot of things," he says, then slowly starts to reach out his hand before he shoves both hands in his pockets.
I know I probably look pathetic. I feel pathetic. But Im sick of feeling sorry for myself. Ive had to move on. Ive gotten stronger every day. I cant get sucked back into the soap opera of Calebs life. I wont let that happen.
I look at the big white van thats supposed to take us on a four-week trip together. Were going to share our stories publicly, hoping to prevent others from experiencing what happened to us. I bite my lip at the irony. How can we do that, when the truth of Calebs and my accident is still buried?
I kick at some loose pebbles of tar on the blacktop. "He said you have no choice but to go on this trip. Why?"
Arms folded, Caleb leans against the picnic table and sighs. "Okay, heres the deal. Big surprise: I got myself in trouble again. Its either this program, or I go to jail. The balls in your court, Maggie. You want me to quit, I will. Ill take the consequences. "
The last thing I want is Caleb back in jail. Im afraid to ask for details of how he got into trouble, so I dont. If he wants to tell me, he will. But I know he wont because he doesnt know how to trust anyone, least of all me. I might have been a part of his life once, but now Im not. Im a stranger to him, and hes a stranger to me.
"Its only four weeks," I tell him. "I think we can handle it. "
"Four weeks stuck in a van together, and then you never have to see me again. "
I close my eyes when he says that. He shouldnt disappear again. His sister needs him, and his mother struggles every day with her prescription drug addiction. "After the trip, you should go back to Paradise. "
"Not gonna happen, so get that thought out of your head. "
Forgetting my sadness and gathering courage, I stand up straight and look hi
m in the eye. "You know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think the tough and stoic Caleb Becker takes the easy way out. " There, I said it.
"My life is a lot of things, Maggie, but easy isnt one of them," he says. He clears his throat. "And if you think seeing you right now is a piece of cake for me, guess again. . . " His voice trails off.
"Maybe this was fate giving us a second chance at saying goodbye. You know, before we both go our separate ways again. "
"That must be what it is," he says sarcastically. "So youre absolutely cool with going on this trip together?"
I clear my throat and look over at the van. "Im cool with it as long as you are. "
Pushing himself away from the table, he walks away from me and heads over to Damon. They talk for a second, then Caleb tosses his duffle in the back of the van and climbs inside.
"Caleb said you worked it out," Damon says to me when I limp over to the van.
"Its only four weeks. Itll be fine. "
Damon looks about as convinced as I feel, but I assure him the past is behind us and well get beyond it. I really hope Im not lying to myself.
In the van, the two girls who I met this morning are sitting in the front seat. The girl named Erin has a pierced nose and lip and has tattoos running up and down her bare arm. Shes reading a book while leaning against the window. The other girl, Trish, has long, really shiny blonde hair and could definitely pass for one of the popular cheerleaders back in Paradise. She has dark makeup on her eyes and wears light pink lipstick. It looks good on her.
I purposely avoid even glancing at the rear benchIm not going to look where hes sitting-and slide next to Matt on the middle bench. I know Matt from physical therapy, since his appointments are usually after mine on Wednesday nights. Matt lost three quarters of his left arm, and his right arm is scarred, but Im not sure exactly what happened. Im sure Ill find out once we share our stories.
Matt gives me a friendly but reserved smile. "I didnt know youd be here," he says.
"It was a last-minute thing," I tell him, eyeing Trish and Erin in the seat in front of us and wondering if Caleb will decide to ditch the trip at the very last second. Part of me wants him to leave, but the other part wants him to stay so I can prove to myself that Im truly over him, that the pain that lingered after he left is gone.
My pulse quickens when I hear Caleb shifting in his seat behind us. Its not a good sign that Im hyper-aware of his every movement. Im probably in for four weeks of real torture-maybe even worse than the year of physical therapy after the accident.
Never mind how I felt when Caleb abandoned me. In the weeks and months after he left town, I prayed that hed come back. I used to keep my light on at night, so if he came back hed see it as a sign that I was waiting for him. He lived next door, so I would gaze out my window for hours on end, hoping to see the light on in his room. My fantasy was that he would tell me he made a huge mistake by leaving Paradise.
But he never did.
In the end, I realized I had relied on him too much.
Damon gets into the drivers seat and turns around. "Well, guys, this is it. Our first stop is a camp-based summer school for teens. Well be sleeping in cabins at their campground tonight, and youll be expected to share your stories with them. Tomorrow well leave and head to our second gig. But right now, take a second to introduce yourselves while were waiting for Lenny. As yall know, Im Damon Manning and Im your chaperone. "
