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“But no matter how much I like someone, I don’t look at a guy and think how much I want to have sex with him or feel aroused. No matter how sexy he is.” Greg felt his cheeks heat and looked down at his glass. “And I’ve never felt that…” Greg shrugged, “…that…instalust for someone.”
Holden nodded. “Have you had long-term relationships?”
“A couple. If long-term means it lasted more than a week. If we get through a first date, most guys walk away because I’m too much trouble. I’ve only had a couple who stuck it out for more than a couple of months, and they turned out to be assholes in the end.” Greg looked away and closed his eyes. This was getting to the really difficult part of the conversation for him. Although Holden seemed to be understanding and receptive—he hadn’t pulled his hand away, nor had his expression changed to indicate disappointment or waning interest—there was still a very large hurdle to overcome.
A gentle tug on his hand and caress of fingers over the pulse point on his wrist brought Greg’s focus back to Holden.
“What else?” Holden asked. “Because if you’re thinking I’m going to head for the door, that’s not who I am. I think you know I’m attracted to you. I have been since we met.”
Greg nodded. “I do. When I was younger, I couldn’t figure it out, but I’ve gotten better at recognizing what it looks like when someone is interested.”
“I, for one, am very grateful that you have.” Holden waggled his eyebrows at Greg, which made Greg laugh. “But I get the feeling there’s more you wanted to tell me.”
The comment instantly doused Greg’s amusement, and his body tensed with anxiety. “Yeah.” Reaching for his drink with his free hand, he finished off the final sip and set the glass down on the table. “So, I was in a relationship almost four years ago.” He swallowed hard and looked up at the ceiling. “We’d been together six months, and I’d gotten aroused enough a couple of times to have penetrative sex with him.” Another tug on his hand made him look at Holden. “Like I said, I’m not sex repulsed; it just takes some time for me to get there, and sometimes I don’t even…arrive, I guess. Wes was patient, and we got along great. I thought we really had something that was going to last. I’ve had guys who saw me as a challenge, like they thought they could be the one who was irresistible enough that I’d get turned on just by being around them, but Wes wasn’t like that.”
“Let me guess,” Holden said. “He did a fuck-and-run?”
“Worse.” Greg blew out a breath. “This is where things get difficult for me when I’m getting to know someone,” he admitted. “Because I need to give you some details that feel like TMI when you’ve just met someone, and because I might be assuming something that isn’t true.”
Holden leaned forward and wrapped his other hand around Greg’s. “I told you. I’m not that guy. I’m attracted to you, and if you need to tell me something to feel comfortable with me, then I need to know it, and it wouldn’t matter to me if we’d only met five minutes ago.”
The warmth in Holden’s hands gave Greg courage. Even better, it gave him hope. He shifted in his seat, straightened his shoulders, and put his other hand on top of Holden’s.
“I usually top,” he said. “The few times I’ve bottomed have been…” He shook his head as he tried to come up with the right word to encompass the discomfort he felt at not being able to stop if he had to. It wasn’t due to trauma, it was that anal wasn’t comfortable if he wasn’t aroused, and he needed to have that control if he had any hope of becoming aroused. “…disasters,” Greg finally said. “But I let Wes top me. It was our six-month anniversary, and it was something he wanted, so we did.”
When he paused again, Holden asked if he wanted another drink, but Greg shook his head. He needed to get through this, especially because he could see the conclusion Holden was reaching, feel the way the man’s hands tightened around his own.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” Greg said. “He stealthed me.”
“Stealthed?” Holden shook his head. “Missiles?”
Holden’s confusion nearly made Greg laugh, but he couldn’t. The betrayal, the pain, was still too fresh even three years later. “He took off the condom without me knowing it. And then he ghosted me. Disappeared. When I started to feel sick, I knew.”
“Positive?” Holden asked, and Greg was grateful not to have to say the word out loud.
He nodded and waited to see if Holden’s expression changed to pity or horror.
Chapter ten
Holden
Holdenknewthiswasa make-or-break moment if he had any hope for something more with Greg, so he kept his expression neutral while he processed all that he’d been told in the past few moments. He wasn’t horrified or running for the door, and he definitely wasn’t any less interested or attracted. If anything, the fact that Greg had been willing to share these intimate details with him, to risk rejection, made him feel special. He admired the courage it had taken Greg to tell him everything, especially when they were just starting to get to know each other, but he had no idea how to respond, so he opted for honesty.
“I don’t know what to say,” Holden said and closed his hands tighter when he felt Greg try to pull away. “But I’m still not heading for the door. If anything, just the opposite.” The stunned look on Greg’s face warmed Holden’s heart. He leaned across the table and was thrilled when Greg mirrored him. “The night we met, you have no idea how much I wanted to say yes when you asked if we could have dinner, but I’m glad we didn’t because now we’ve had more time to get to know each other.” He shook his head. “I’m not a prize for anyone,” he said. “I travel a lot—”
“So do I.”
They were close enough now that Greg’s breath ghosted over Holden’s lips as he spoke.
“—and I’m not out, so if I’m with a coworker…”
“I understand.” Greg shrugged. “I can’t offer you any guarantees about what will happen between us.”
“Neither can I.” Holden rose slightly from his seat so he could get closer to Greg. “But I will tell you, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that kiss at Neon. If that’s you not being interested—”
“Not beingaroused,” Greg corrected. “I wouldn’t have said yes to the kiss if I wasn’t interested.”
“—aroused,” Holden conceded, “then I will wait for anything else you want to share with me. Because that kiss was fucking hot.”
