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He drops his hands from my face. It’s like feeling the floor drop away from me.
And just like that, I watch the love and affection drain from his eyes as he stares right through me.
“I have to go,” he mumbles, his voice full of pain.
“Clay, wait,” I say, but he doesn’t stop.
Brushing past me, he reaches for his pants, pulling them on with his back to me.
For fuck’s sake. Say something, Eden.
“It’s complicated. What happens outside this room doesn’t matter,” I argue, but it feels like I’m reciting something without emotion. I’m still talking like Madame. “When we’re in here, you’re everything to me, Clay.”
He doesn’t respond as he snatches his shirt off the stool and pulls it over his head. As he reaches for the door, I do the only thing I know how.
“Stop. Do not walk out of that door.”
He pauses, his fingers resting on the door handle. Like a good boy, he obeys. And for a moment, I feel like everything will be okay.
Then, with a slight turn of his head toward me, he softly mutters, “No.”
I watch as his fingers turn the handle, and he slips out of the room, letting the door slam closed.
And just like that, I’m alone.
My eyes peel open, and I stare out the dark window. I reach across the empty pillows beside me to check the time on my phone,3:45 a.m.
I have no calls or messages, so I drop my phone and turn over to try and fall back asleep. Of course, it’s futile. My mind is still focused on the memory of that night with Clay randomly showing up in my dreams. I haven’t thought about that night in days.
There was a time it would keep me up every night on end. The guilt of how I let him down plagued me for weeks.
But things are great now. Last night with Clay and Jade was amazing. Things have changed.
I’vechanged. I’m not afraid of commitment anymore. I’m ready to come out with our relationship, even to Jack.
So why do I still feel so weird?
Like something is off.
I never get back to sleep. Around four in the morning, I climb out of bed and check on Jack. He’s sleeping peacefully in his room. The shark night-light is blanketing his room in blue-and-green light, and I stand there for a moment just watching him sleep.
I have to remind myself I’m doing the right thing. I’m not rushing into marriage or anything, but I am about to change a lot in my seven-year-old son’s life. Even if Jade and Clay don’t move in, they’ll be around. Birthdays, holidays, milestones. They’ll be there, making memories and carving out a place in our lives. Something like that isn’t just easily undone.
This isn’t a game. This is his life.
Am I rushing into this?
Is this truly what’s best for Jack?
Turning away from his bedroom, I gently pull the door closed and curl up on my couch, staring into the dark void of my living room and letting every intrusive thought find its way into my mind.
From the moment I left my ex-husband, I have fought and struggled for control over my life. I worked hard to ensure that nothing would change, and for seven years, nothing did. When things change, that’s when I feel the control start to slip.
And right now, so many things are changing. My life feels like it is in a state of chaos.
I have to have faith that it will turn out right. At some point, the dust will settle, and my son and I will be okay. Right?
* * *
