AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He looks back at me with such a sudden and intense loss in his eyes, silver sparkles shining all over him, splintering the light around him, that it steals the air from my lungs.
Even covered in glitter, the bastard is beautiful.
He opens his mouth to say something, but I wrap my trembling hand around the window ledge to support myself.
“You think I’m going to forgive you that easily?” I grab the window frame. “You can think again. Fuck off to infinity, Dax. And when you get there, fuck off some more!”
Then I slam the window shut, causing it to rattle in its frame.
I don’t eat dinner with Mom and Brett. Harley already left to go back to Manhattan. She came to say goodbye and gave me a hug before she left. But there wasn’t much else to say. I heard her talking outside, then the deep timbre of Dax’s voice as he responded.
He’s still there.
It’s been hours and it’s getting dark.
And he’s still out there.
Maybe he’s thinking. Like me.
Because all I’ve been able to do is think.
About him. About how fucked up this all is. About how much my body still reacts, just knowing he’s near to me.
I hate it. All of it.
I hate the way my heart lifted when I saw him. I hate how heat fired low in my stomach when I looked into his eyes and remembered the way he would hold my eyes as he made love to me, or when he fucked me from behind in front of the mirror.
I hate how my core clenched with need as I saw his tattoos on his neck. How I love knowing that when I kiss them, especially the bird, that it makes him suck his breath in. That he rasps out his nickname for me—Sunbeam—like it’s the most precious word in his vocabulary.
And I hate that when I got changed into my pajamas for bed, my panties were soaking for him.
That even when I want to hate him so much for pushing me away, my heart and my body still want him.
Every part of me still wants him.
I can deny it as much as I want. But I know it. And he knows it.
Something about us just fits.
We were supposed to find one another. As stupid as it sounds, I know it’s true.
No matter what happens now, I know I was meant to meet him.
Despite everything, he’s still helped me. Brett’s accident, Dad’s death, Casey… It all hurts a little less because of Dax. I’m living again because of him. I’m no longer stuck in a time loop of blame and self-loathing. And I have him to thank for that, regardless of what else has happened since.
I open the window gently and then lie back on my bed, breathing in the night air as it flows into the room.
He thought I was in danger. He found those photos somehow. He knew Julian was watching me and the estate. So while he was building his own insurance policy of evidence against Julian should the police let him down, he was also building an escape for me. Even back then when we went to New York.
He was thinking of me.
I get that he would have had to keep being an informant a secret from his friends and family. And I understand that Dax, more than anyone, wouldn’t trust the police fully, and probably knew we were all safer not knowing. It’s a small comfort knowing that no one else knew. Not even Jasmin. It wasn’t only me he was shutting out. He took it all on himself. He carried the burden alone.
Just like he’s lived so much of his life. Being the protector. The big brother. The adult. Having to make hard decisions and put other people first.
I told him I was here for him on the roof terrace that day. I tried to fight for him. I was ready to fight straight away. And in his own way, he was fighting for me too.
Even if it didn’t feel like it.
