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“My body and my heart will always be yours, Dax. For infinity.” She sighs, as though speaking is draining her energy.
“But?” I hold my breath.
“But… nothing.” She pauses. “We should sleep.”
I wait until I’m sure she isn’t going to say anything else. Then I close my eyes, even though it’s pointless.
I can’t sleep without you, Sunbeam.
I can’t function without you.
Time means nothing if it isn’t spent with you.
“Don’t give up. She forgave me.” Casey smiles at me as she passes me on the porch sofa on her way out the following afternoon.
“Not planning to.” I tip my chin at her as she passes.
Rose hasn’t come out today. From what I can tell, she’s been in her room most of the morning and then out in the rear yard. I could hear music playing through the side gate. Then after Casey went into the house, the sounds of screaming and tense music came from the living room on the opposite side of the wall to where I’ve been sitting. And I smiled as I realized they were probably watching a movie together.
Brett invited me into his guesthouse in the converted garage to use his shower. But I was so scared of missing Rose if she left the house that I took it as fast as I could and then went back to the porch sofa, still damp beneath my clothes. And their mom must have felt sorry for me because there was a plate of food and drink waiting for me when I returned.
I take up my position on the porch couch again, pulling my phone out to text Logan and call Jasmin. They both know I’m here. They’re taking care of everything at home, along with Alistair. I couldn’t ask for more. They are my family. It’s the people who are there for you no matter what.
And I’m going to be here for Rose, no matter what.
I’m going to be here for as long as it takes.
I busy myself with some work emails to pass the day, and I wave as the neighbor with the dog passes again. He gives me a questioning thumbs up as he looks at the house behind me, which I reply to by tilting my palm in a so-so movement. With a hopeful smile, he moves past.
I’m becoming a local spectacle.
The heartbroken man sleeping on the porch. Maybe they’ll make a movie about me. If it was a horror, maybe Rose would even watch it. I’ve not seen her once today. She’s probably trying to ignore the fact I am still here. But she needs to get used to it. Because I’m not leaving.
Brett brings me out some dinner and even stays to have a beer with me. I really am the fucking charity case. Desperation must be seeping from my pores like the silver glitter that I keep finding everywhere.
As the sky darkens, I lie on the sofa, ready for another night. It’s uncomfortable and there’s a loose spring digging into my back.
But it’s closer to her.
So that makes it fucking paradise in comparison to anywhere else I could be.
Day ninety-two. Tomorrow will be sunrise number ninety-three. More without her than with her.
“Give me one more,please,” I whisper before falling silent as one by one, lights flick out in the houses up the street, leaving me in darkness. All the lights in Rose’s house went out half an hour ago.
A sound above draws my eyes. Her window opens briefly, and something is thrown out. Then it’s slammed shut again.
I get up from the sofa and walk over to scoop up the bundle, carrying it back to the sofa.
I unroll it, spreading the blanket over me, its scent enveloping me as I stare up through the dark at the closed window.
Vanilla and petals.
Chapter 43
Rose
It’sstilldarkasI tiptoe barefoot out onto the porch. His breathing is rhythmic and slow and the sight of him—blond hair ruffled from sleep, tattoos that look darker in the moonlight—has longing pulling at my heart, willing me to take notice, to finally admit to myself—life without him will never be as bright as it could be with him. If I can’t forgive him, then it’s all been for nothing. This whole journey, finding myself again, learning to forgive myself. It’s like it was all training me for this moment.
