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She scribbles something down on the pad, tears the paper off, and hands me the pad and pen. “If I’m doing this, then so are you.”
“I know.” I write on the pad, ripping it off and folding it up.
“So now we burn them?” She looks at the small campfire I’ve set going.
“You can say something if you like.”
“Will you go first?” Her voice drops and she looks at me, hunching her shoulders in toward her chest.
I unzip my black hoodie and place it around her. The day was warm, but as the sun is now low in the sky, the temperature has dropped.
I hold her gaze, then turn to the fire, letting its glowing flames dance in my eyes as I picture the face of the man I hate. The man who took me away from my life for two and a half years.
“To putting things right,” I say as I flick my paper into the flames. It catches right away, curling up and shriveling into black ash.
Rose watches me and then takes a deep breath.
“To forgiveness.” She tosses her paper into the fire and her choice of words slashes me like claws across the heart.
Forgiveness.
Here she is, so beautiful and so fucking pure in her spirit that she’s wishing and hoping for forgiveness.
While all I am wishing for is a slow and cruel revenge as I see the look in the man’s eyes who I hate as I destroy everything that matters to him.
Another perfect example of why I am no good for her and the sooner she goes back to New York, the better.
“I know you are fulfilling a favor by giving me the job here. But I still don’t know what miracle my family thinks is going to happen by me coming here.” She picks at the grass. “It’s not like me being here will bring my dad back or make Brett’s injuries disappear.”
“I don’t think they are trying to change the past. No one can do that.”
“Well then, what do they expect?” Her voice pitches as she looks at me and then lets out a deep sigh. “What do they expect me todo?”
I wish I could clear away the haze that’s in her eyes, falling like a cloak over her, weighing her down.
Guilt.
I recognize it. I understand it.
“They want you to live your life. Not to blame yourself. It’s self-destructive, Rose. It serves you no purpose at all.”
“But it ismyfault.”
My chest clenches, a burn running through it, so hot that I may as well have embers from the fire smeared across my skin.She truly believes it.
“Has your mom told you it’s your fault? Or your brother, Brett? Your sister?”
“Of course not. They aren’t monsters.”
“That’s just you then?”
She looks at me in confusion.
“You’re your own monster. Placing this fear inside yourself. What’s so wrong with living your life? Why are you afraid to move on?”
“I…” She opens her mouth, shaking her head as she blinks rapidly. “I…” She narrows her eyes as she looks back at the fire. “Why should I be allowed to? Dad doesn’t get to live his life anymore. Brett doesn’t get to live his like he used to. All because of me.”
“Stop. Just stop.” I scrub a hand down my face and lean my elbows on my knees where I am sitting. “I’ve seen people’s darkness. I’ve watched people who like to hurt others, and the way they take pleasure in it. That’s not you. None of it was your fault. But you’re too scared to admit it.”
