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His brow bunches and he shifts on the ground a bit. I’m guessing it would be more comfortable to move back to the bed, but I don’t want this moment gone, broken, and I’m afraid any movement might make it flit from my fingertips.
Finally, he answers, his voice low. “I’ve always thought a sailboat would be a brilliant way to see the world.”
When he doesn’t say any more, I prod with gentle words. “And that’s something you’d like to do? See the world?”
“I mean, yeah. Who wouldn’t?”
“There are a lot of people. My brother, for one.” I cock my head. “Where would you go?”
“Everywhere,” he answers in an instant. “Other than Kentonia and the foreign nations Topher’s had to visit as part of his duties—and one other time as a kid—I haven’t seen much.”
“And knowing Topher, all you’ve seen of those other countries is the airport and palaces, eh?”
“Maybe a famous monument or two.” His eyes wander back to the window. From our spot on the ground, I’m sure all he can see is the cloudy sky above, but maybe he’s imagining the boats again. “But yeah, I’d love to immerse myself in a place. Maybe backpack through Europe, see more of the States than California. Just go, no plans, no responsibilities. Simply … discover where the road takes me next.”
“Sounds lovely.” And it does—the idea that that kind of freedom could ever exist.
“I’ve got a whole map with pins of places I’d like to see. Books dog-eared and highlighted and abused. Topher would be horrified.” He chuckles.
I laugh too, then ask the question burning in my brain. “So, why haven’t you? Traveled more, I mean?”
Frederick seems to shake himself from whatever trance he’s been in. “My job doesn’t really allow for that.”
“Have you asked? I’m sure Topher would give you the time off. You’re his best mate. He wants you to be happy.”
There his lips go flat-lining again. “I’m happy serving your family. It’s my honor and privilege, and something I plan to do forever if he’ll let me.”
I look down at my stomach to see if the knife I feel twisting there is real. Okay, well, it may be imaginary, but it feels the same. That word …forever. It’s the culprit. Taking a breath, I steady my voice. “You plan to be a bodyguard forever? You … you never want to get married or have a family of your own?”
I don’t know why I’m torturing myself with these questions. It’s not as if he’d choose me even if he was free from that stupid law that says bodyguards can’t marry.
Because my life comes with strings. Marriage to me wouldn’t let him travel all that much either. And I would never want him trapped like that.
And yet …
His eyes are on me, like he’s trying to understand something. “I …” He pauses, swallows. “I think Iwouldlike those things. Especially after seeing my parents’ strong love for each other. I can’t help but be inspired by it. By the way they held each other together after Matthew died. The way my mum has stood by my dad all these years.”
This is the first time I’ve ever heard Frederick mention his older brother, who died in a freak accident in Peru when he was barely out of high school. I was only seven when it happened, and hardly remember anything about it except that I was forced to wear itchy stockings under my dress at the funeral.
And Frederick’s tears. It’s the only time I’ve seen him cry, and he was only twelve, butthat, I remember. What a tragedy it must have been.
And then, to make matters worse, there came the arrest, the trial. I was only nineteen, and Topher (along with Frederick) was away at university when Frederick’s father was accused of treason against my own, so I didn’t get an upfront view at how the whole affair affected him. But I do remember admiring Mara Shaw as she courageously spoke out against the imprisonment. She never stopped believing in her husband’s innocence, never stopped petitioning, never stopped yelling to anyone who would listen for justice. It wasn’t until my own brother stepped in and helped prove Martin’s innocence—despite the media storm and public fury that came against him—that he was acquitted.
But it had all started with Mara and her tireless efforts. “She was amazing.”
He smiles, and it’s soft, sweet. “Still is.” Then he sighs. “Even after he was found not guilty, he wasn’t allowed to resume his position. Too many naysayers for that. So she had to start working again as a schoolteacher. They struggled financially, had to downsize their home. Lost all their friends. And when Dad drifted into a depression, she was the only one who could dig him out of it.”
The way his voice gets all choked … I can’t breathe with wanting to pull him into my arms, to offer him a sliver of comfort. But my presence here with him will have to be enough. “I’m so sorry they’ve suffered so much. That you all have.”
He’s silent for a long while. “Thank you, Chloe.”
“But …” I hesitate, not wanting to say too much. Not wanting to push my luck. Because I’ve only just begun to peel back the layers of this man, and I can’t help but want the whole blooming onion. “I guess I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t want that kind of love for yourself. Someday, I mean.”
He shifts his knees closer to his body. “Being an executive protection agent for the crown is the path that was chosen for me, and I’ve accepted that.”
That’s news to me. “I thought you loved it.”
“I do, to an extent.”
