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When Mom returns, her nose wrinkles. “That smellscooked.”
She’s right. It’s almost burning. I’ve been sitting here remembering the kiss, wishing we could do it again, knowing we can’t. “Sorry,” I say, standing.
Mom turns to me quickly. She looks younger now that she’s washed, somehow. Her hair is frizzy and wet. The pain in her eyes looks raw. “You don’t have to besorry.” She looks like she might cry. “I’m the mother. I’ll prepare the dinner.”
“Mom, it’s fine.”
She raises her hand. She’s got her cross necklace wrapped around her wrist like a bracelet. The pendant swings back and forth. “I thought I might die in that place, Lena, but I saw God, and I saw you. I saw my failings. I saw how I can do better. I can be the mother you deserve.”
“Mom, it’s not about that. You’ve been through a—”
“No, puh-please. Please.”
I’m unsure what to do when she hurries across the open-plan area. She seems more determined than when we moved into the new house. I follow her into the kitchen as she pushes her hand into the oven mitt and carefully leans down to the oven like it’s going to hurt her.
She takes the tray out and turns to me, tears glistening in her eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I told that evil man. I’m an idiot, a drunken idiot, but I’ll be better.”
“Mom.”I walk around the counter, pick up a dishrag, and gently take the tray from her. Laying it down, I bring her into a hug. “I thought you were going to die. I don’t care about anything else.”
Except for Jamie.
“I hate lying to you.” She sobs, squeezing me tightly. “Idon’tlie to you, Lena. Say what you want, but I don’t do that, do I?”
“No,” I say, swallowing a ball of emotion. It’s just like I was telling Jamie. “Nobody could ever say that.”
“Let’s eat this pizza and forget about all this nastiness. Tomorrow, we’ll be home, where we belong.”
“Yeah,” I say, even if it hurts my chest, the idea of leaving Jamie and being apart from him. My two-job life of basically just existing seems so tame and small now. “Shall we watch a movie or something?”
“Let’s watch something silly. Something we used to watch when you were a girl.”
“With Dad,” I say, smiling.
She turns away, nods, and looks for the tray. She won’t meet my eye. “Yeah, with Dad.”
What wasthat? Soon, we’re eating pizza and watching an old animated movie. It’s enough to sit here and pretend, just like I did last night, that nothing else matters. Nothing else exists.
Toward the end of the movie, Mom sits up, glancing at the hallway. “I wonder what Jamie is doing.”
My belly tightens. I try not to show my reaction. I feel like I might be sick. Weirdly, I imagine her response if I told her about the belly spanking. It’s so weird. Sous. Maybe they did it together, too.Oh, ew!“Yeah,” I say lamely.
“He’s a good person,” Mom says. “I think he’s done some bad things, maybe, but I can tell he’s a good person.”
My throat gets tight. Maybe this is my chance. “Do you think you’ll give it another try?” I ask.
She turns to me sharply. She looks almost manic again. I regret the question right away. She squeezed her hand tight. I know she’s got the cross in there, digging it into her palm. She’s going to need a lot of healing after this. “Why? Has he said anything?”
“What would he say?” I reply.
“Well, anything aboutus. About the past. Anything like that.” She won’t look at me again, just like when I mentioned Dad.
“I was just wondering,” I say. No, let’s be honest. Ilie. I could tell her what Jamie said about them not being together but look at Mom. She clearly cares. She didn’t just make it up. “I remember how excited you used to get about the dates and stuff.”
Mom laughs strangely. She’s staring at the TV, not at me, even as the credits roll. “Oh, oh, yes. I remember that.” Is she lying? “They were… memorable.” But could she be lying?
I’m not going to push her on it tonight. I’d feel like the lowest of the low. She’s being so shifty, though. It’s so different from how she used to talk about the dates. I can’t help myself, but I should leave it. “You know, Mom, if you sort of exaggerated stuff, so I wouldn’t think anything suspicious was going on, I wouldn’t blame you.”
