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She laughs shakily. “I can’t explain but don’t worry. I’m not attracted to you. Things aren’t going to get awkward inthatway.”
“You’re talking like you’ve already given us your blessing,” I say, daring to smile, even in this depressing place.
I’m sure I can feel her smiling, too. I’m not sure how that works, but it’s true. It’s a sad smile. Just like mine. “It’s funny, the perspective you get when you think it might be the end. If Lena really said she wants a future with you, why not? Why shouldn’t you?”
“We should talk about this after,” I tell her. “You’re tired, dehydrated, hungry, and traumatized. You don’t have to make any promises.”
I can’t let myself take anything she says to heart. I can’t let myself have that hope. We could die in here. Hell, Lena might already be… Yet I can’t help but think of the future, holding her hands beneath the altar, teaching our children anything that interests them. Anything they want to learn. Anything they want to be. With Lena’s love, they’ll turn out well. Perfect.
“Youdolove her,” Simone says.
“Yeah.” I croak. “More than anything. More than I can understand. It’s been tearing her up, sneaking around behind your back, and…”
“And her thinking all those stories I made up were true. Thinking we were together.”
I sigh. “Yeah, and that.”
“I’ll need to tell her the truth. God help me. I’ll need to tell myself the truth. I’m not making any sense to you, am I? I want to pray, but I can’t pray. That’s the contradiction in this whole thing. I’m a joke, a joke…”
“You can’t beat yourself up,” I tell her.
“Ifailedmy daughter for years. We were living in hell.”
“Youbrought her out of it. You found The Answer. You found me.”
“Then I brought her right backintohell because I got drunk and acted like an idiot.”
“People make mistakes,” I growl. “Maybe you’ve made more than you’d like, but you can’t do a damn thing about it now. All you can do is to be the best mother possible when you get out of here. After that, be the bestgrandmotherpossible. Just think of that, Simone.”
She’s crying again. I’m getting choked up, too. It’s all this sitting around, not doing anything, not takingaction. The last time I pounded on the door, the guard threatened to throw in tear gas. What then?
“You’ll have a grandchild, a little boy or girl. They’re going to be so happy to meet you. You’re going to be in a great position when they get here. You’ll be healthy, motivated, and happy. Your and Lena’s relationship will be stronger than ever. You’ll see.”
Simone whimpers when, from the far end of the cellblock, somebody lets out a scream of pain. I’ve heard different kinds of yells, shouts, and screams in my life, and this is agony, pure and simple. Simone starts crying again.
I crawl across the cell and reach out. “Where are you?”
“H-here.”
I find her hand and hold it gently. “I love your daughter,” I tell her. “More than life itself. One day, Simone, as strange as it might be, you’ll be my mother-in-law. I’m going to protect you.”
“Th-thank you,” she whispers.
“Think of the future. Think of happier days.” The screaming gets louder. “Think about your little grandson or granddaughter.”
Simone squeezes my hand tightly. At least she admitted we’d never been in a relationship, not that it will matter if we can’t get out of here alive.
CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
Lena
I pull up outside the butcher’s, heart thudding, wondering what my plan is. The place is calledCuts,and the front looks closed. I drive around the back, wondering if this is all pointless. Maybe Mom and Jamie are out in the forest. No, my mind needs to shut up. I can’t imagine that darkness.
There’s a light—a basement light, leading to a door. I swallow. The street is quiet. The city will wake up soon. It’s eerie as I climb from the car and walk across the parking lot. I expect somebody to jump out any second.
Walking down the basement steps, I remember walking into the warehouse as a teenager. I remember all the muggings, the insults, the bullying. I remember the fights. I got sucker punched once, knocked out. I’mthatwoman. I’mthatLena. The suburbs haven’t softened me. Love hasn’t softened me. I meant what I told my man. I have to be strong, too.
I knock on the metal door, cold against my fist. There’s a panel in it. It slides aside. A man laughs gruffly. “Lost, little lady?”
