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“Sure I do, Mom,” I say. “I remember Grandad, just a little.”
I don’t go on. Mom never wanted me to see her parents very much when I was little. Then, they passed within years of each other. From the way Mom sat frozen at the kitchen table, staring off into space, I knew her feelings were complicated.
“They gave me a blessing,” Mom whispers, sitting again, then tapping her leg like she has to move or she’ll explode. “But it was a curse, too. They gave me God, but I realized something as I got older. God was going to hate me, apparently, so I ignored it. I tried to for years, and then I told your dad, Lena, before he passed. I told him the truth, and he took that flight to see his brother. It was the last thing I told him—the truth.”
I wrap my arm around her when she starts sobbing again before she can jump to her feet. She tries to push me away. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” she hisses. “I was living a lie. I lied to your father.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” I whisper.
“No, no, you can’t say that. It can’t justbe okay. Yell at me. Hate me.”
“No,” I say, louder, firmer. “I don’t give a single fuck if you’re gay. I don’t care if you and Dad had a fight before he got on the plane. It would’ve crashed anyway. I don’t care aboutanyof it except our future. Our family.”
“Our family?” Mom whispers.
“Me, you, Jamie. Your grandchild.”
“Jamie mentioned that in the cell,” she whispers. “Hope,” she shudders. “If you have a girl, you should call her Hope.”
“That’s an excellent idea,” I say.
She sits back, closes her eyes, and sighs. “You haven’t asked why I lied about the relationship, Lena. The real reason.”
“I think I get it, Mom,” I say softly, feeling her pain and knowing she’s always had a complicated relationship with reality. It’s fine. She’s never had to be tough. I can be that for both of us. “You had to believe in the story. You’d been doing it all your life, believing in the story of yourself, if that makes sense.”
She sobs, all choked up. “It does. You’re so smart.”
I almost snort and dismiss it. Maybe that’s a bad way of handling a compliment, even if I don’t think my comment makes me smart. Perhaps I do like Jamie suggested and stop putting myself down. I saved Mom. I saved Jamie. I saved myself. I saved the future.Halfsaved, really, since I would’ve been screwed without Jamie, but I don’t have to keep doubting all the damn time.
“And it made you so happy,” I whisper. “Telling that story. Believing in it.”
“Because I thought you’d hate me if you knew the truth.”
“How could you think that? Everything I’ve done…” I’m shaking now, the tears trying to break through. “I did for y-y-you…”
She brushes my cheek with her thumb. I’m letting them fall. I don’t let myself cry in front of Mom. “You shouldn’t have had to,” she says. “Oh, Lena. This isn’t me being dramatic. I’m not having anepisode. I’ll admit it. I’m nuts, but not about this. I failed you as a mother.”
“Mom—”
“No,” she goes on when I can’t speak anymore, the sobs choking me. She’s crying, too. “It’s the truth, but we have a chance to move on honestly as who we really are.”
“I’m the woman in love with my Mom’s ex,” I say, laughing like a crazy woman.
Mom laughs in the same way. We’re all nuts—me, Jamie, and Mom. “And I’m a sinner, rotten to the core.”
The laughter feels like it cures us, cleans us, and wipes all the grime away.
“Mom, Jamie wants to move to California. He’s going to have to start again. Create a new identity, I guess.” That familiar, surreal feeling touches me. “When this is over, it will seem like a fairytale.” A dark one.
“California?” Mom says.
“A new start,” I reply, squeezing her hand. “That’s what we all need. A new start. A new life. Nothing is tying us here. No friends. No family. Mom, we’ve lived a sad life, but it doesn’t have to be that way.”
“What doyouwant to do?” she asks.
“Move, be with Jamie, and have you near us. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” she replies. “I’ll make up for lost time. You’ll see. This isn’t like when you were a kid. I’d be okay for a few days, then collapse. I’m here to stay, and I’ll never stop being sorry.”
