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“He accused me of going out clubbing the night before; of doing the walk of shame straight from some stranger’s house to the funeral.” It had felt like a stinging slap to the face. “I don’t think he truly believed that, I think he just needed to be able to yell at somebody.”
“That’s not an excuse,” said Dax, a rumble of anger in his voice.
“No, it isn’t. But I was no better. I unfairly called him out for not visiting Lake near the end—I knew it wasn’t that Bear didn’t care, it was that he just found it too hard. But he’d hurt me by saying what he said, and I wanted to hurt him back. Basically, both of us were feeling angry over Lake’s death and we ended up arguing over something that wasn’t really anything.”
I’d felt like a sack of shit afterwards, and I’d tried calling him a few days later to apologize. He hadn’t taken or returned my calls, though. But … “He apologized for it just now. I apologized for what I said, too.”
Silence fell between us, but Dax broke it when he said, “You don’t talk about him much. Lake, I mean.”
“You don’t talk about Gracie much.” Seeing the skin around his eyes tighten, I felt my chest twinge. “Maybe we should make an exception for this one night.”
He looked away, his jaw clenching. I inwardly winced. I shouldn’t have said anything. Should have just kept—
“You first. Tell me about Lake.”
His unexpected acquiescence made me blink. Recovering fast, I tugged at my hair. “He was the life and soul ofeveryone’sparty. His personality was electric. He was always smiling and laughing and joking, but he took shit seriously. Took his studies and his commitments seriously. Even when he found out about the brain tumor, even when they only gave him mere months to live, he just kept on living it large. Until he couldn’t.”
“The tumor was inoperable?”
“Yup.” An ache took residence in my chest.I could think of Lake without hurting anymore, but remembering those days of watching the cancer eat at him, taking him from this world a piece at a time … It was impossible not to get choked up.
“He was more worried about everybody else; worried what it was doing to us to see him gradually fade,” I went on, a slight croak in my voice. “So he did his best to push us all away—friends, family, everyone—but we refused to budge.”
I’d understood his wish to be remembered as he wasbeforethe cancer hit him, but I’d also seen his fear and heartache. No way would I have left him alone at a time like that, even if I had felt inclined to walk away.
“I’ve never had to see someone deteriorate that way, but I’d imagine it would be a living nightmare,” Dax mused.
“It was.” I rubbed at my arm. “But I didn’t really feel the impact of it while he was alive. I’d refused to let the whole thing be about me; I’d shoved aside what I’d felt and focused on him.”
“So when he was gone, it all hit you hard.”
I nodded. “My friends and family got me through it.” I drew in a long breath through my nose. “How did you meet Gracie?”
A muscle jumped in his cheek. “She was always in my periphery, because we had quite a few mutual friends. We had our first real conversation at a party. I initially wasn’t interested in anything more than a fling. But that changed the more I got to know her. Still, I fucked up with her.”
I felt my brow furrow. “How?”
“I took things slow, because that’s what I do,” he replied, a self-depreciating note in his tone. “She was so sure of me that she saw no need to wait. She pushed for us to move in together after only a few months. I said no.”
“Personally, I think most people would be hesitant to move in with someone that soon.”
“But I dragged my heels on it. Two weeks. We’d lived together for only two weeks when she died, all because I’d been so set on us taking shit slow and giving it time.”
Not realizing their time together was running out, I thought. “I wouldn’t say that means you fucked up—”
“But I did. Like you, there were things she wanted from life. But because I was stowing things for ‘down the road,’ she missed out. I didn’t know that road would be a short one, or I’d have done things differently.” He sighed. “I wasn’t even concerned about her op. I thought she’d be fine.”
“I don’t think anyone would expect an appendectomy to result in a nightmare. You hear that every operation has its risks. Doctors always warn you of it, so it can make you nervous when someone you care for goes under the knife, but you don’t really think there’ll be fatal complications.”
His gaze went unfocused. “I don’t think I’ve ever in my life been more shocked by anything than I was by her father’s call, telling me she hadn’t pulled through the surgery,” he said, his voice dead. “Her mother was wailing in the background, utterly destroyed.”
My heart hurt for him. I balled up my hands in my pockets, wishing I could console him, not knowing how; not knowing if he’d even allow it or if he’d instead pull away and then our conversation would be over. “Life is so unfair sometimes, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” He paused. “I don’t visit her grave, you know. Haven’t been there since her funeral. I don’t like remembering her the way she was in that casket.” He stared at me, apparently expecting to be branded cold or disrespectful.
I gave him an empty smile. “I don’t go to Lake’s grave either.”
Dax’s brow briefly creased in surprise. “You don’t?”
