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I grab her hand, cover it, and implore her with my eyes to let me go. She twists the shirt material tighter into her fist. “You saw that opportunity…and you snatched it up. Pushed me away.” Another clench of her hand. Another twist of her wrist. “Why, Marku?”
“Don’t make me say it,” I beg.
Her tone is firm. “You must.”
“No.”
I tear myself away, hear the popping of buttons on my school oxford as I pull away from her.
She follows me relentlessly and says, “Oh, for Pete’s sake. I deserve to hear it.”
And that rare rage rears its ugly head again. Only with her. Always with her. I twist back around, storm toward her, and shove her up against the classroom door. Before I know it, I’ve wrapped my hand around her throat. Smashed my lips to hers.
Her small fists beat my chest. I force my tongue in and she bites down on it. Fuck, that feels good.
She rips her mouth away. “Don’t you dare. Get off me and finish this conversation!”
I ball my hand into a fist and punch the drywall, leaving a hole. Bits of plaster tumble to the floor.
I fling myself off her and stride halfway across the room. We’re in the science lab, three perfect rows of large bolted-down tables with black resin tops.
I clench and unclench my hands as I struggle to get hold of myself. I’m willing to do nearly anything to avoid this conversation. Staring at the periodic table tacked onto the far wall, I focus on each element as I snort through my flared nostrils. Eventually, I focus long and hard enough that my breathing slows down and I have enough control to face her again.
Crina’s colored lip gloss is smudged around her entire mouth, looking almost like a bruise from my rapacious kiss.
“Okay, fine, you wanna hear it? I pushed you away because of him.”
“Why?” she replies, pressing for more.
“You’re a smart girl. You can figure out the why.”
“No, I can’t figure out the why,” she replies in a whine. “I have a theory. Several, in fact. But some are outrageous, so no, I don’t know why.” She stares at me with desperation, and I can barely stand to look at the anguish in her eyes. “But I want to know.”
I mutter a string of curses under my breath. What could she possibly be thinking? I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? But if she needs to hear it so she can push me away, as she should, then I’ll tell her.
“Because I fucking killed him, that’s why. And if I can kill my own brother, then I sure as fuck can’t trust myself around you, now can I?”
She halts, her body tightens. Her lashes flutter.“What?”
I shake my head a little, giving her an incredulous look. What is she not understanding? I stated it clearly enough.
“Youdidn’t kill your brother. The Bratva killed your brother.”
And that gets me laughing. I crack up so hard at the absurdity of her statement that my stomach hurts. Tears gather at the corners of my eyes and I wipe them away, laughing until I’ve got nothing left to laugh about. The only thing left to do is cry. And I can’t do that. I don’t deserve to. I lost that right.
“Bratva, shmatva. He wasmybrother.Myresponsibility.” I pound my chest. “I haven’t found the man who killed him and destroyed every single person he loved. I’m still failing him and inevitably… I’ll fail you, too.”
“Th-that’s ridiculous,” she sputters. Crina opens her mouth to say something more and I slash the air with my hand, cutting her off.
“No, don’t do that. Don’t make excuses. There’s one person at fault here.” I hold up my index finger. “Only one.”
I take a deep breath as panic and fear grip me by the throat. I’m about to throw it all away, throw away the closest thing I’ve had to happiness, but I don’t deserve it anyway. I’d been a fool to think I could avoid my fate.
“That’s the reason I pushed you away, and come to think of it, I was right. We can never be together. It was stupid of me to think we ever could.”
Having said that, having said the words that needed to be said, I stalk past her and yank the door open.
She catches my arm and begs, “No, Marku, don’t. Don’t leave like this.”
