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I know everything, Mama.
“Before you start giving me advice about my marriage, I’d make sure you’ve been the perfect wife you claim to be.”
She shrugs her shoulders in that annoying way she has of dismissing something important as trivial. “What is perfect?”
Fury rumbles through me. “Oh, wow. You were just lecturing me on being the perfect wife and now you’re asking the hypothetical question of what’s a perfect wife?” I throw up my hands. “The double standard is just too much. Too much.”
She leans forward, her face hard. “What are you saying, Crina? Are you questioning whether I love your father? Whether I’ve been faithful to him?”
“Those are two very different questions. I know the answer to one, but not the other.”
Her tone turns brittle. “And you think you are owed the answer to both. You think you deserve that answer. That it’s any of your business?”
She’s scarily calm, I’ll give her that. Usually, she spirals down into anger. But not now. “Yes, I do believe it’s my fucking business.” Considering it has to do with the makeup of my genetics, yeah, I’d say so.
She purses her lips in a firm line of disapproval at my use of a swear word. “I am not your friend. Do not think you can speak to me in whatever way you want. I am your mother and you will address me with respect. As for my marriage, it does not concern you. I love your father and your father loves me. We have been loyal to each other for the twenty-five years that we’ve been together.”
Note to self: She used the word loyal, notfaithful.
Again, I don’t doubt they love each other, but what about her affair with the Russian? Doesn’t she feel guilty for cheating on Dan? Doesn’t she feel any responsibility to tell me who my biological father is? I mean, this is unbelievable.
Is shame holding her back? Yes, I already know the answer to that. But she’s got to own up to her mistakes. And let me know who fathered me, for Pete’s sake.
“You know, a father is a man who raises a child frombirth. That is a real man. A man who shows up for his family and for his responsibilities, no matter what. I chose the father for you. It’s the man I married and the great love of my life. The man I know, with every cell in my being, who loves you completely for who you are.” She rises, her spine straight, her chin up. “And do you know who that man is?
I swallow and then whisper, “Who?”
“Dan Lupu, that’s who. He is your father. He will always be your father. There is no other father buthim. He is the man who will love you and protect you till his dying breath.”
She leans over to me and murmurs hoarsely, “As you know, he may not always be with us. Instead of digging into the past, I suggest you appreciate every moment you have with him, and that you honor and protect him in turn.”
With that, she sweeps out of my room like a regal queen who’s been insulted by her lowliest servant, slamming the door behind her.
Stunned, I stare at the door as it shudders in its frame.
What the hell happened?
Just as she intended, I came out of that confrontation as ignorant as ever. And feeling deeply ashamed. Mama refused to admit to anything, which is typical. She wasn’t going to enlighten me about anything. Again, typical.
She did confirm one thing, unknowingly or not. She used the word loyalty, not faithful, which is as close as she got to admitting that she cheated on Dan. She emphasized that she chose him as my father, stressing birth, not conception. This gives me no great hope that he’s my biological father. But then again, I more than suspected that after this morning.
I right my chair and plunk down on it. I blow out a long breath.
The other thing she did was shut me down completely. She flipped the switch and made it about Tata. Talking about his illness, about how I should appreciate every moment I have with him, about how he won’t live forever.
I sit up straight as I read between the lines of that statement. Is hedying?
I fall back into the chair. God, no. I can’t believe that, I can’t. I need him. He’s my father, not that low-life sperm donor. And knowing how badly I love him, how much I worry about his health, she reminded me of my duty to protect him.
Protect him from what?
From the truth, of course.
Her message was simple.
Shut your mouth, Crina.
For your father’s sake.
