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Duh. I was there for almost a decade. Did I think I my past was just gone because I’d physically left?
I groaned and covered my face with the pillow. Because um, yeah, part of me had hoped so.
I guess I’d just assumed the leaving was the end of the story. It was certainly as far as I got in most of my fantasies. Afterwards was always just this vague happily-ever-after that I tried not to think too much about because that felt like torment.
But as I dragged the pillow away from my face and looked around, it dawned on me… holy crap.
The leaving was just the beginning.
Now started the rest of my life. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? The conundrum that struck me briefly on the bus hit me all over again. Who even was I if I wasn’t her? The carefully crafted HER that was acceptable to him.
But who was I?
I swung my legs out of bed and landed heavily when I stood up, stiff and a little sore after last night.
I smiled, remembering going back out to tend to the little calf whose mother wouldn’t attend to her.
We’d gotten towels from the barn and cleaned and dried her off. I’d never been that close to a baby cow. It was so… sweet was the only word that came to mind. Or maybe that was just my experience of the situation.
But the little cow, once we got her dried off, was so unsteady on her little coltish legs she couldn’t even stand, she’d just keep collapsing when Reece tried to help her stand.
He decided to give her some colostrum to help her get the nourishment she needed. He had to use an esophageal feeding tube, but he stayed calm and was so kind and gentle to the animal the entire time.
I was overcome by emotion just watching this big man with the animal in his lap, coaxing the first life-saving liquid into her. The calf seemed to feel it, too, because she kept bumping her head into his chest, almost nuzzling into him.
I was probably anthropomorphizing. She was likely just searching him for more milk, but Reece had explained that cows are herd animals and touch and community and interaction is actually really important to them.
I was so moved, embarrassingly so, but Reece either didn’t notice or was thoughtful enough not to make a big deal out of it. Maybe he was just good with creatures of all kinds like that.
There wasn’t much left to do after that. We made sure the calf was snuggled up in some hay and Reece said he’d check on her in another few hours, but that we should get some rest. His brother and Ruth weren’t back yet from their cow-wrangling, so he lent me some of his clothes to sleep in and said he’d throw mine in the overnight wash with his and have them ready for me in the morning.
I looked down at myself, engulfed in his large, faded Grateful Dead t-shirt that came just a few inches short of my knees and hugged my arms to myself. It was chilly in the room and my feet on the wood floor were cold.
I’d need to go hunt down my own clothes soon. For another second, though, it was nice to just breathe in the cold air of this new life and wonder who I’d be today.
I was stretching my arms high above my head when the door suddenly pushed open and a tired-looking, mud-drenched woman came in the room. She was tall, with thick brown hair that escaped in all directions from a braid that was barely holding together anymore.
It was shocking to see a stranger opening the door. Shocking too, because apparently me trying to jam that chair underneath the doorknob wouldn’t have done anything if Reece or anyone else had tried to intrude last night to molest or otherwise harm me. Ruth had pushed the door open and the chair had just bumped free and pushed along the ground with the door. Good Lord. The hairs on my arms raised.
Which was right about when the woman saw me and let out a little screech. Her face went immediately bright red. “Who the hell are you? And what the hell are you doing in my bed?”
“Oh, hi,” I said, scrambling to my feet, then realizing I was in nothing but a shirt and underwear. She had to be Ruth.
Then I looked around in confusion. “Isn’t this Reece’s room?”
I waved awkwardly, deciding to start over. “Hi, I’m Charlie. God, I’m so sorry. This is your room? I must have gotten the rooms mixed up last night when he told me where to go. He said second door to the left, but I wasn’t sure if he was counting the bathroom, and it was so late. I just saw the bed and kind of face-planted honestly. Reece said—"
If I thought her face was bright with color before, it was nothing to her reaction at my words.
“Get dressed,” she snapped at me. “I can’t believe he let his whore sleep in my bed.”
My mouth dropped open. “Excuse me?”
But she just glared back at me. “Oh my fucking God. Get out of my bed and the fuck out of my room. Take the sheets with you, you can toss them in the washer on your way out.”
My mouth dropped open. This woman had gotten the wrong impression, and maybe I couldn’t blame her, I didn’t know how I’d feel finding a strange woman in my bedroom. But I also did not appreciate being called a whore at whatever the hell o’clock it was in the morning.
At the same time, considering it had been her warm bed I’d slept in, the first in over a week, I just zipped my lip and gave her a single nod. “Sure, whatever. I’m outta here, anyway.”
