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I’m not sure what to think about Fiona having an alert set up for Cooper, but in this instance, it sounds like it makes sense to have one. Maybe I should have had one set up, too. But then, do I really want to be notified of his extracurricular activities I’m not involved with? Probably not.
“Are you seeing anything?” I ask, my worry rising by the second. The longer I allow my brain to play with it, the worse my imagination gets.
“No. It looks like it’s pretty quiet.” She shuts her phone and looks at me with a concerned expression. Fiona is often unemotional, but lately, she’s been letting them slip. She’s just as worried as I am. “I’m going to go make some calls,” she says as she leaves the studio. “Finish your class, then come to the office. I’ll let you know then what I hear.”
I have no choice but to continue my day and wait for word about why Cooper isn’t here.
“See if you can reach any of the subs too, to cover Cooper’s classes,” I yell after her. This is not the circumstance I thought these subs would be used, but at least we have them.
I didn’t want to use them at all.
thirty-one
Lost
Cooper
‘Cooper Davies and I are not in a relationship.’
I can’t get those words out of my head. Even after I called Cassidy to see about using the cabin in Ojai again and the drive up here, those words have played in a loop and still echo now as I watched the sunrise from the valley between the Topatopa mountains.
I didn’t even consider sleeping last night because I knew I wouldn’t. My brain doesn’t work that way. If there is something I need to solve, my brain won’t rest until it does. Unless I drink or otherwise, to shut up my thoughts. I’m pretty much screwed.
I came up here to think and to clear my mind. For some reason, I can’t do that at home. Even if Remy goes out and I’m alone, I can’t seem to have a coherent thought. So here I am at the butt crack of dawn, sipping coffee and watching the fucking sunrise. By myself. To think. When did this become my life?
When I met Sloane Castle, apparently.
What would make her say we weren’t in a relationship? Did I offend her so much by asking her to sign an NDA? We haven’t had a chance to talk about anything yet, so for her to come out and flat-out deny she has anything to do with me really fucking hurts.
My world has been turned upside down ever since I met Sloane, but until now, it was in the best possible fucking way. I welcomed the change. I wanted the change. But now I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
I can’t keep doing this. I understand that relationships have ups and downs, but this is extreme. We started this out basically hating each other, and then we swung the other way and fell for each other. At least I did. I don’t know if she did or not. I want to believe that she did. But then what she said yesterday makes no sense.
If Jude is correct that it all hinges on me, then I need to figure out what the fuck I want. I could stay the lone wolf, getting my rocks off on occasion, getting fucked up more than not, but that will lead me to an early and lonely grave. I don’t want to die alone.
Sloane has awoken something in me that has been long since dead. And that’s my heart. Somehow, she got past my defenses and put feelings back where only dust and cobwebs were. All of the chambers of my heart were empty until she came into my life. And now I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before.
I’ve never looked forward to waking up before. I’ve always dreaded the morning. But now I have a reason to get up every day. I want to see her. I want to touch her. I want to kiss her. I want to talk to her. I want to laugh with her. I want to cry with her. I want to listen to her. I want her. That’s all there is to it. It’s that simple. And it’s that hard. Because Sloane Castle is not an easy person to get to know. I have tried. And the problem is she is just as stubborn as I am, damn it. That can make for an exciting relationship that keeps me on my toes. But it also opens up challenges that don’t always look initially surmountable.
Like this.
I need to judge whether the good outweighs the bad between us. The bad seems to be our biggest obstacle, which is communication. If she doesn’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t do a God damn thing to fix it. If she doesn’t tell me about the minefield of her past, I will unknowingly step on one and blow this whole thing up. And for some reason, I feel like I’ve already done that. I must have done something for her to say so matter-of-factly that we are not in a relationship. It couldn’t get more explicit than that.
So what do I do? Do I take it at face value? Take her at her word? Somehow, accept my feelings for her are not returned whatsoever? I can’t believe that. I can’t believe we’ve shared what we have with each other, and somehow, in a matter of hours, we are so far apart that we can’t find a way back. I don’t want to believe it.
But what if it’s true? What if I have irrevocably fucked this whole thing up? What do I do then? How do I go back to being Cooper Davies, the rockstar who doesn’t give a shit about anybody? How do I turn off the faucet of emotions she’s opened up? How do I pretend I’m OK with that?
I spent most of my life pretending I was OK. Acting as though nothing bothered me, nothing got under my skin, nothing anybody said or did affected me whatsoever. That is how I’ve lived for most of my life. And not only do I not know if I can go back to that way of living, but I don’t know if I want to. Because I wasn’t living. I was coasting. I was skating. I wasn’t really alive.
Not until I met Sloane.
God damn it. That woman has changed everything.
I guess I know my answer. The question remains whether Sloane knows hers.
I feel like shit leaving Rhapsody high and dry this morning, but I just couldn’t show my face in the same building that crushed me the day before. I don’t know when the interview she gave is coming out, and I don’t care. As far as I’m concerned, the audience that needed to hear it was already in the room.
I couldn’t face any of the students, knowing Sloane was only a few feet away, and I not only couldn’t talk to her, but apparently, there’s no point. The students are advanced enough in their classes that we’re basically no longer learning anything new but rehearsing for next week’s concert. If I thought for a second the kids weren’t progressed enough, there’s no way I would have disappeared like I did today.
