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“That they absolutely are,” I reply.
Why do I feel so inadequate in front of her? I don’t get it. Granted, she is a gorgeous woman, the kind one might see on the cover of beauty magazines or dominating the runway in some sleek haute couture outfit that would turn any head. Or reigning over the red carpet at a posh Hollywood event. She’s effortlessly glamorous—her skin always perfect, her hair always silky, and her lips always glossy.
She’s perfect. A vision to behold, with golden brown blush highlighting her sharp cheeks and just enough smoky eyeshadow to make it seem like she just stepped out of a movie, yet she comes across as naturally beautiful. And intense. She is definitely intense, I’ll give her that. Compared to Cynthia, I feel like a run-of-the-mill salesgirl that tumbled out of Providence and right into Matthew’s winter cabin. Then again, I suppose that is precisely what I am.
“I’m glad you’re all getting along,” Cynthia says after a moment. The silence was starting to get awkward; I just don’t know what to say to this woman. I know more about her than she’d ever tell me herself yet she has no idea that I do. “The guys deserve someone to give them the peace and the affection they so deeply need. They’ve been through hell and back, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Their past lives as Marines. Selina, they saw things out there on the battlefield that we can’t even begin to imagine. They had to do terrible things for their country, for those they were trying so hard to protect. The kind of trauma they survived… it changes people, even the most strong-willed. Surely, you’ve come to know them well enough at this point to understand what I’m trying to say here.”
I stare at her for a few seconds, wondering if I should bring up the diary. No, because then she will probably assume I’ve read it. The guilt is too much to bear, but my ego won’t let me go down that easily. Instead, I force a half-smile, thinking about everything she just said about my men.
“They don’t talk about their service that much,” I say. “I suppose it’s not exactly dinner conversation material.”
Cynthia gives me a surprised look. “They were pretty candid about it with me in the past. It helped me better understand their trauma and their bond, in particular. It’s not every day that you see three men so close together and happy to share a woman equally.”
She knows. She knows I’m getting the royal treatment. Of course she knows, since she, too, was once on the receiving end of the same. My expression makes her giggle.
“Relax, Selina, we’re adults,” Cynthia says. “It’s obvious they’re into you, and that’s great. Like I said, they need it. They probably need you more than you need them.”
“You think?”
“I’m sure of it. The guys are strong and self-sufficient by nature. And their friendship is one hell of an emotional support system. But nothing compares to a woman’s touch, especially one who’s strong and brave enough to handle the three of them at once.” She pauses, briefly narrowing her eyes at me, searching my face for something though I’m not sure what, exactly. “I suppose you have your alone time with each of them, too. Right?”
I nod once. “Yeah.”
“Just make sure your time together in the master bedroom takes up the majority of your interactions,” she says, a sad smile fluttering across her beautiful face. “Matthew is well-balanced, but Sully and Jason can get… possessive, sometimes.”
The words from her diary come back to haunt me, but I can’t let her see or even suspect that I may very well know what it is she’s talking about. “How was your experience with them?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“I assume you were together at some point. All of you.”
Cynthia smirks and points back down the mountain where she hiked from. “I need to get back to Lance. He gets anxious without me, especially during the day,” she says. “It was nice chatting with you, Selina. I’ll see you guys around.”
“Oh, okay.”
I watch her walk away, but the weight currently stifling my heart has become unbearable. Her hips sway in bold red against the snowy backdrop as she makes her way back down to her cabin, somewhere beyond those old pine trees. I hear birds singing nearby—little instruments hidden in the evergreen branches, trilling their lives away in the wintery silence while I try to figure out what to do next. Something tells me there’s more in that diary for me to find, more signs to pay close attention to.
There’s an oddness about Cynthia in person that I didn’t pick up from her writing. A certain air of knowledge and suspicion, a shadow lingering over her shoulders whenever she mentions Jason and Sully. Her gaze softens when she talks about Matthew, but there’s something I can’t put my finger on, an unknown that I can’t leave alone.
It may be over between them, Matthew has made that clear more than once, yet I still have this nagging feeling that it may not be as final as he says. At least not for Jason and Sully, and the thought of having to emotionally share them with another woman doesn’t sit well with me. If anything, it only exacerbates the anxiousness that I’ve been feeling since she first showed up at the cabin with that vintage champagne and that big, bright smile on her face.
I wonder if she’s told Lance about them. He clearly didn’t have a clue that first time she came by, nor during the slightly awkward dinner that followed. Hasn’t he noticed any of the fleeting looks, the stolen glances, the muted sighs that leave her chest whenever her gaze meets Matthew’s? I noticed. And it bothers the hell out of me.
She and the guys had a deep and intimate connection, much like the one I share with them now. I’d probably feel the same if it were to end, only for us to meet again a year later. The thought of it ending makes my very soul hurt on a whole new level. It’s scary because I never wanted to fall so deep, to depend on them in such a way. It was supposed to be a fun and sexy winter getaway. A crazy fling that would take my mind off my financial troubles and Kieran. A moment’s respite while I got my crap together and set some money aside for a deposit on a place of my own once I got back to Providence.
What I didn’t expect was that the thought of a future without Matthew, Jason, and Sully in it would make my heart hurt so bad. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to be like Cynthia. I simply cannot bear it.
17
Jason
It’s getting harder each day.
I don’t want to think about Cynthia, but all the hurt that I was left with after it ended has bubbled its way back to the surface, and old habits are starting to taunt me. Demons of days long gone have returned, drawn closer by the smell of my vulnerability, by these open wounds I thought had closed on their own. It’s not love that haunts me anymore, my heart is stubbornly stuck on Selina. She burrowed her way in there and refuses to leave.
