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“I can’t do that. Not while the three of you still think you can get away with what you did,” she replies, the coldness in her eyes like a vice on my throat. The threat is real, and I can no longer ignore it. “I think Selina should be made aware of the monsters she’s sharing a bed with.”
“Cynthia, I swear to God, if you do anything I’ll—”
“You’ll what, tell her yourself?” she laughs bitterly. “Don’t be ridiculous. You knew what I wanted, and you denied me, Jason. You, Sully, Matthew… you turned against me and broke me beyond repair.”
“We were trying to help you.”
“Bullshit. You were helping yourselves,” she shoots back. “And that was a conscious choice. It’s fine, though. I’ve grown a lot since. I’ve healed. And now, I’ve come around on behalf of karma herself. I will get what’s mine, sooner or later. Jason, if there’s one thing you seem to have forgotten about me…” She pauses to take a long sip of her mulled wine, notes of burnt orange peel and cinnamon hitting my nose… “It’s that I am unstoppable once I make up my mind.”
“Dammit, Cynthia, you’re playing a dangerous game here.”
“No more dangerous than what you and the guys are trying to play with Selina. Do you really think this setup of yours is meant to have a happily ever after?” she sneers. “Don’t be a child, Jason. It will never work. It will only end in tears and misery. I’m only looking out for you, even if you don’t see it.”
“You’re only looking out for yourself.” I tell her. It’s hard to even breathe in her presence.
The true side of her emerges slowly, like a dying sun over a jaded horizon. The reality of our past, of how little any of it meant in the end. I didn’t think I could despise a person as much as I despise Cynthia. What a fool I was, to think she’d actually changed. What a fool I was, to think she’s actually with someone new and moving on with her life. It puts us in a whole new kind of danger, because we can’t lose Selina. We’ve only just found her.
Cynthia exhales sharply, giving me a contemptuous look. “I was fond of you, Jason. I gave you everything, remember? My body, my heart, my soul. What’s happening now is simply a consequence of your actions. You can’t stop fate.”
“What do you want, Cynthia? What will it take to keep you away from us?”
“You can’t afford what I want,” she smiles broadly. “I’ll take it myself, though. I don’t need your help.”
She gets up, having just finished her mulled wine. She leaves the empty mug and tequila glasses under my nose as she goes back to Lance and says something that has him nodding and agreeing to leave the bar a minute later. What burns the most is that she doesn’t even bother to give me one last look as she goes out the door.
It wasn’t a threat nor a promise. Cynthia made it clear that we’re due for a reckoning and that she has come to collect. I need to tell the guys about this immediately. We need to talk things through and figure out a way forward. I’m not even sure if leaving Aspen earlier than planned would resolve the situation. Cynthia is resourceful and connected. She will come for what she feels she’s owed, even if it means stepping all over Selina in the process.
I can’t let that happen.
“What the hell am I gonna do?” I ask myself, tears stinging my eyes as I make my way to the bar. It’s a legitimate question at this point. What am I going to do, when I’m not even able to leave the past behind. I live with the ghosts in my head and the ache in my heart because I don’t know any other way. Sooner or later, I’m going to disappoint Selina.
I might as well do it now, before she gets any deeper.
“Do you want another lemonade?” Rusty the bartender asks me. I’ve been coming around long enough for him to remember me and my non-alcoholic preferences, but he isn’t surprised or taken aback when I give him my answer.
“A double shot of Irish whiskey.”
I might as well drown in the whiskey and dull myself so I won’t feel the pain when Selina inadvertently realizes how weak I truly am. Cynthia just proved it, simply by taking a seat at my table.
18
Selina
Come midnight, I find myself sleeping alone. Matthew retreated to his room with a book for the evening, and Sully appeared withdrawn and closed off. I tried to get him to stick around so we could watch something from the streaming bundle but he just kissed me softly and went to bed early. Jason went out, and I’m sure that’s another reason why the guys were partially gloomy, they’re concerned about him. He’s been on edge lately and I can tell he’s not in a good place.
I’ve tried talking to him, but he just puts on a sunny smile and tells me everything is okay. This whole Cynthia issue is clearly eating away at them, and I feel helpless. I want to help them, but I don’t know how to do it without revealing that I know more about their relationship with Cynthia than I’ve let on.
The chat earlier with Cynthia hasn’t eased any of my concerns, either. If anything, it made a few of them worse. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I get up and go over to the window. I watch the full moon rise over the forest, now a diamond-studded mass of sleeping trees and delicate slopes. It feels like the calm before the upcoming blizzard—all is quiet and beautiful and still. It’s as if time itself has surrendered unto this moment.
The sight before me is calming, and I could spend an eternity admiring the snow dressing the ancient pines, the rabbits darting here and there in search of food, the moonlight shining a pathway through the trees. There’s a sense of simplicity here that I never experienced while growing up in Providence. Here, I can relax and be myself.
Selina. Former tennis prodigy. Former kid sister. Former daughter. Now a grown woman with a messy life but decent career prospects, and three men who enjoy spending most of their time doting on her and ravaging her in every possible way. A wandering soul who only wants a family and enough stability to focus on building a better future for herself. I’m me, in all my imperfect glory, simply a human being in need of love and affection.
Yet this simplicity has recently come under fire with Cynthia’s arrival. Perhaps her intentions are pure, but I do hold her responsible for the upheaval that is happening. It was easier before she returned. Jason’s smiles were more sincere. Sully was much warmer and softer toward me. And Matthew didn’t need as much time alone as he does now. She had a massive impact on them, the kind of impact they can’t bring themselves to discuss with me, and it leaves me on the outside looking in, wondering if I will ever be enough.
It's an ugly feeling, this insufficiency, this sense that I may have to work harder for the kind of love that should come freely and easily. It doesn’t make sense.
What does make sense, however, is if I treat myself to a slice of that leftover New York cheesecake I put away in the fridge earlier. I don’t normally go for midnight snacks, but given recent events, I think I deserve a little treat. I’ve been getting hungry more often lately. It must be the fresh mountain air. Quietly, I leave my room and go downstairs.
