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Tears rush to my eyes. “Matthew, Jason,” I whisper. “This wasn’t right, not without them.”
“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” he snaps.
For a moment, I just stare at him. Disbelief knocks me around as I pull myself up, feeling downright ashamed and vulnerable. I’m waiting for him to come over and comfort me, but Sully just settles by the window, his arms crossed and his muscular chest glistening with sweat in the noon’s cool light. He can’t even look me in the eyes. It only serves to amplify my growing anxiety and insecurity. It’s bad enough we stripped our partners of the respect they deserved, but now he’s not even giving me the small measure of reassurance that I so desperately need.
“Sully…”
“Maybe you should go.”
Anger bubbles through my veins. I feel used. Fucked out of my mind and cast aside solely for him to recover some sense of self-worth or self-control, maybe. This was supposed to be an intimate moment between us, not an opportunity for him to fill a hole and loosen up. “Screw you,” I say and walk out, shaking like a leaf.
By the time I get in my room, I’m crying my heart out, naked, as I hold my clothes with both hands and lean against the door. I can hear him cussing in the master bedroom. A flurry of curse words and punches. He’s punching the wall. He hits too hard, and I hear the plaster burst open, the wood crackle. The sound of his pain reverberating through the cabin makes me fall to my knees, utterly distraught.
This was wrong on so many levels, and he couldn’t even own up to it, he couldn’t even be bothered to comfort me. I would’ve comforted him. I would’ve taken him in my arms and given him the love he needed. Why is he acting like this?
It all started when Cynthia came back but everything else that followed is on them, on each of them alone. Only they are in control of their own behavior. The writings in Cynthia’s diary are coming true, and it’s a painful thing to acknowledge. I’d hoped I was special, that I meant enough to them to stop the past from repeating itself. But Sully’s anger is getting out of control—I’m not scared of him, he’d never hurt me, but he is absolutely hurting himself, digging himself into a deeper hole. Jason is drinking again. And Matthew… what will he do to ruin everything?
Because it’s only a matter of time, now. Only a matter of time before it all falls apart.
I fear I’ll be alone, homeless and brokenhearted yet again. This was supposed to be a naughty winter getaway, an opportunity to just rest and relax for the holidays before I’d have to go back to Providence and face the mess of my life. How did this whole thing devolve into an even hotter and painful mess?
21
Matthew
Something happened the other day between Sully and Selina. Neither of them will talk about it, but I can tell there’s a dark cloud lingering between them. Jason is still mostly huddled away in his room, nursing his shame and drinking binge. It took a serious toll on his psyche for him to need this level of isolation, though I won’t even consider bothering him. He needs some space and time to think. And with Selina and Sully barely speaking to each other, I don’t know where this leaves me.
We haven’t been together in days. The master bedroom is out of the question with Jason being so withdrawn. The balance I was so happy to live through has crumbled like a shoddy brick wall. I’d hoped we’d get over this hurdle without incident, but Cynthia keeps butting in. Sully doesn’t have to tell me anything for me to figure it out. The same goes for Jason. After my last conversation with her, I know she is determined to wreak havoc among our ranks. We never should’ve let her in, but we were all head over heels at the time, thrilled that we’d found a woman for all of us to be with, to share without a single hint of jealousy. It made sense.
Unfortunately, Cynthia was and will always be unstable and unsettled. Unwilling to compromise, let alone share us the way we lovingly shared her. I feel played, foolish. Even after a year, the sting of that affair’s disastrous end still lingers. I can’t shake the guilt that I’ve felt every day since. I should’ve cut her off long before things escalated the way they did. But I was stubborn. I kept hoping we’d settle down and get past the arising issues. It only got worse and I had to learn some things the hard way. The past is in the past. At least it was for me, for the guys. It’s Cynthia who keeps bringing it up and throwing it in our faces, if only to hurt us and to get Selina to run screaming for the hills.
I wouldn’t blame her if she did. Without our side of the story, she only has hints about what happened, bits and pieces from Cynthia. But even if she did hear our version of what happened, there’s a good chance she might still run screaming for the hills. But my feelings for her are too strong now and I can’t let that happen. I can’t lose her. We can’t lose her. I have to sort things out with Cynthia, the more I let it fester, the worse it’s going to get.
Speak of the devil. As soon as I head for the door to run some errands, there’s a knock. My nightmare resurfaces yet again when I open it. Cynthia stands in the doorway with a satisfied grin, looking particularly tame in her ivory-white sky suit and snow boots. Her car is out by the driveway, loaded with her skis and snowboard. “Hey, honey,” she says. “Mind if I come in?”
“You’re no longer welcome here, I thought I made that clear,” I reply bluntly, my blood already boiling.
“Yeah, well, I’m asking for your permission, for you to make an exception. The last time I came around, I stayed in the backyard. You should appreciate that,” she says.
“The last time you came around?”
“A few days ago. Had a beer with Lance and Sully. They seemed to hit it off,” she says casually, as if nothing is wrong and everyone is getting along just fine. “Although I had no idea Sully was so frustrated with his professional life.”
“What are you talking about, Cynthia?”
Sully has never mentioned anything about being dissatisfied in his career. Then again, I’ve barely spoken to the guys over the past few days. Selina has been just as scarce, which is unmistakably ironic, considering that we’re all sharing this cabin. As if smelling fresh blood, Cynthia leans into the doorway with the confidence of a lioness that is about to pounce on her prey while I cross my arms, making it clear that I am keeping an invisible wall between us. There is nothing left here for her. No longing, no desire, no emotional connection. Deep down, she probably knows it, but she isn’t the type to just give up and go her own way.
“Lance was only trying to help Sully out with his career. Or lack thereof. And Sully got defensive and overly proud, which ultimately resulted in a rude ending to our otherwise constructive conversation,” she replies. “All Lance wanted to do was give Sully a chance to stop wasting his time beating up people for money. It’s demeaning and pathetic.”
I can’t help but scoff and chuckle, disgust raising the taste of bile up to the back of my throat. “You’re still trying to stir things, huh?” I reply, shaking my head. “You don’t get it, do you, Cynthia?”
“What do you mean?”
“The innocent look doesn’t suit you. I know what you’re trying to do here, and I’m telling you, it won’t work. We have moved on. You no longer belong in our lives. And no matter how hard you try to pick us apart, we’re never going to give you that satisfaction. You’ll never win.”
Cynthia exhales sharply. “We both know you’re more superior than Jason and Sully put together. If you’d stop wasting your time hanging around with those two, you’d see how better off you’d be. One is an alcoholic and the other one is a bloodthirsty gorilla. They’re eons beneath you.”
“That’s what this is about? You’re still trying to drive a wedge between us?”
