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I don’t apologize the way she expects. I stare back blankly, giving no reaction, which is what she really wants. I don’t think it even matters if it’s an emotionless apology, a sniveling beg for forgiveness, or a bitchy comeback. Any reaction keeps the game going, and that’s what makes her the winner in her book.
I’m not sure if she even realizes that. I don’t think I’ve ever considered what she thinks or feels, too caught up in my own trauma. But I’m repairing mine, bit by bit, day by day. Mom’s damage is her own to deal with. It’s no longer mine to soothe, especially at my own expense.
Not sure what to do with the change in play, Mom sighs heavily. “Well, I’m sure you know you completely ruined Paisley’s reception. It was her special day, but you had to make it about you the way you always do.”
I gawk, in shock at her words.
Make it about me? Nothing, literally nothing, in my family is ever about me.
Mom’s on a roll, doing a fair bit of rambling herself. “You’ve always been such a jealous girl—of Paisley, your other cousins, and even Jessica. But I thought you’d behave for a wedding, for Christ’s sake. You owe Paisley an apology. Poor Glenda too. She’s been calling nearly every day, crying about how ugly everything got and asking if you’re ready to make it up to them. I’ve had to tell my sister ten times already that you’re off sulking the way you always do.”
Every word is a knife, sharp and precise. She’s had years of practice, after all, and knows right where to stab to cause the most damage.
“I’m sorry—” I start, but she interrupts me.
“Don’t tell me. It’s Paisley and Glenda you need to tell,” she says.
I take a deep breath and start again. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t the daughter you wanted. But I was the one you had, and you never let me forget, not for a second, that I wasn’t good enough.”
She rolls her eyes and mumbles under her breath, “Here we go again. Poor, pitiful Janey.”
I don’t let her derail me. “Funny thing is, once I got away from you, I still thought I wasn’t good enough. And I let that little voice in my head lead me into relationships that weren’t right for me. But I’ve done a lot of thinking, Mom, and I want you to know... I do have value. I’m worth loving. Maybe not to you, but to an entire world of people out there, I’m loveable. More importantly, I love myself.”
I think about Cole and the way he loves me with his whole heart. I think about the Harringtons, who I’m still getting to know but have welcomed me with open arms in a way my own family never has. And I think about my own sense of self and how it’s grown exponentially.
I’m not the same Plainy Janey Williams.
“Okay, great. Glad you’re all lovey-dovey. Now, call Paisley and apologize.” She’s sticking to her script and ignoring anything I say to the contrary. I didn’t expect anything different. I’ve played this game before.
But this time, I’m not giving in.
I’ve grown too much, gotten too strong to care what Mom wants when she’s never cared about what I needed.
“No.” I don’t shake my head, and I don’t get loud. It’s a simple refusal of a ridiculous demand.
Mom’s brows climb her forehead as she looks at me like I grew a second head. “Excuse me, young lady? You will call your cousin and apologize like the polite, well-behaved woman I raised you to be.”
I laugh bitterly. “You raised me to be obedient. You raised me to be a silent target. You raised me to accept abuse, neglect, and loneliness. You raised me to hide myself away. Well, Mom...” I take a deep breath and stare right in her eyes. “Fuck that!”
Okay, that maybe wasn’t what I meant to say, but now that it’s out there...Yeah, fuck that!
Mom recoils as if I slapped her.
But my mouth is off and running. “Paisley is a horrible person. She has been since we were kids. And everything that happened was karma coming back to kick her in the ass for always being so cruel. I hope Max got a really good look at his future with her as his wife and I hope he runs, far and fast, to get away from her. That’s what she deserves.”
Mom’s jaw drops open.
“And how dare you show up uninvited, demanding this and insisting on that. In case you’ve forgotten, I got engaged. Not that you care.” To me, that’s the ultimate show of where her priorities lie. She met Cole, watched him propose to me, and then hasn’t said a word about it. Didn’t call, didn’t text, and jumped right in this morning like that didn’t matter.
She doesn’t know it was fake then. She doesn’t know that it’s real now.
She just doesn’t care... about me.
“What thefuckis going on here?” a voice bellows from the doorway.
Mom and I both jerk our eyes over. Cole is standing at the edge of the living room in athletic shorts and nothing else, his chest still damp from his shower. He probably heard me yelling and came running. Actually, I think the water is still on in the bathroom. That’s how fast he responded to my distress.
His eyes are hard and cold. Asshole Cole is here now, ready to protect me if need be. But I need to do this myself. I meet his gaze, silently letting him know that I’ve got this.
