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“Thanks for not giving me shit about this.”
“They just want you to be happy.”
“I know. Still, I appreciate being able to talk to you without getting the third degree.”
“Always, man.”
Dinner went by as it did every Sunday, full of laughter and food and maybe a few minor arguments. The topic of me and Charlotte had been successfully avoided, probably because Mom had taken herself out of the equation. Plus, I had effectively threatened Levi and Jude such that they deflected all attempts to ask about her every time anyone tried to bring her up.
Chapter8
Charlotte
“Tomorrow at seven” had come real quick.
I stared at my face in the mirror. Dinner, with Cade. A freakingdatewith my ex-husband. What the fudge had I been thinking?
The time was nigh. I took a deep, cleansing breath and stepped away from the mirror.
I had to get going or I’d be late. Self-reflection and contemplation were good things, but I was bordering on ridiculous and my anxiety levels were headed for the roof.
This was supposed to be no big deal. Just a simple dinner between exes. I needed an outfit that said “Yes, I will bang you” without being too obvious. It had to be sexy but not overt. Welcoming but not easy. I should wear a dress or a skirt. Or maybe I should wear something casual, like a soft oversized sweater and some leggings.
What does one wear when they were hoping to—?What exactly was I hoping for?My feelings for Cade were nothing but a jumble of confusing thoughts rambling around in my head. I mean, I wanted this dinner to be a real date with a real chance of getting back into his bed, but was that all I wanted? Did I want to get back into his heart too? Maybe be part of his life again?Yes, you do, you stupid, stupid, obsessive little Cade-obsessed freakshow.
Why did I do this to myself? I lived my life disconnected with reality. My heart was never in sync with my brain. I spent my time avoiding my feelings and not examining my desires until I didn’t know how I truly felt about anything, and then I couldn’t understand why I was hurting all the time. It always took me forever to figure myself out and determining what I wanted was impossible. Right now, I was wondering if I was actually pathetic enough to have a crush on my ex-husband. It would definitely be on-brand for me.
Frustrated, I studied my reflection.
All the components for a hot night were there.
Matching undies: check
Flawless makeup and good hair: check
Fresh bikini wax: check
What was I missing? Oh yeah, I lacked clarity and probably the ability to make good life choices.Ugh!
After coming to zero conclusions about my true motivation, I turned away from the mirror and grabbed a pair of black leggings and an oversized cashmere sweater in Cade’s favorite shade of blue from the pile on the floor and put them on. I might as well be comfortable in a situation that had plenty of potential to get uncomfortable. I found my boots and purse, slipped into my coat, and headed out for Cade’s place. Gwen had been nice enough to drop off her welcome home Marry-Me Brownies, so I was good to go.
It had dumped snow all night so the drive up to his place was precarious and took forever, but since I grew up here, I did just fine. I only crashed the other day because I was out of my damn mind with fear and forced to go too fast. I knew these roads like the back of my hand; after all, this used to be my house, too.
The Ponderosa pine stood like a sentry guarding the turn-off that led up to Cade’s property. I remembered back when we chose this place. The house was run-down, in need of a lot of repairs. Cade’s dad, Ben, who was not only the Chief of the Sweetbriar Police Department but also a major home renovation addict, encouraged us to take it. With his help, Cade and I transformed our little house into a three-bedroom, two-bathroom home, cozy and cute. Perfect for starting the family Cade was so eager to have. I wanted a family too, but I wanted other things first.
Why is it okay for men to do things while women get to be things? Why is it acceptable for a man to be a husband and a father while also chasing his goals and ambitions? Whereas I was the bad guy for wanting more? I could be pretty and sweet, a wife and a mom, and that was fine and good—yay Charlotte. But the second I wanted to do something else along with it, like write books or have a career then it’s all about how no one can have it all...
I shook my head. I’d made my choice. Living with it sucked sometimes, but I wouldn’t change anything.
Why hadn’t he found someone else to help him build the life he had wished for? He had been so adamant about what he needed for his future. He wanted to be married young, have kids right away, and serve Sweetbriar while working toward taking over as Chief of Police from his dad.
Cade was a good man. He was sweet and romantic. Loving and kind. The type of man any woman would be lucky to have. But none of his dreams had come true. He lived here alone. I pulled up into the driveway and came to a stop. He had shoveled the walkway, making it easy for me to get to the front door. I added considerate to the list of qualities that made Cade a catch.
My boots crunched over the path toward the porch. Time seemed to go backward with every step I took. I remembered days when I’d come home from work, and how if Cade was off or had an early shift, he would always cook dinner. We’d eat together, talking about life, and our days, and our plans for the future. But the hope that he’d reconsider and go with me to New York so I could use my scholarship had always been in the back of my mind.
My mood changed from excitement to something I’d never felt before. I wished I were standing here under different circumstances. I didn’t regret my choices; I just wished I never had to make them.
I knocked and held my breath as his footsteps grew closer to the door, and exhaled in an anxious rush as he opened it.
