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BEN
Exhausted isan understatement as daybreak filters through the trees and shines down on the foot of white powder blanketing Stone Bay.
As we pack our bags and put the cabin to rights, the Chief and his team leave the property with a zipped-up body bag. As we load everything into the vehicles, beeping and crunching echo through the trees.
Travis sets the cooler in the back of his truck. “Snowplow.” He shrugs a bag off his shoulder and stows it in the bed. “Dad called it in, mainly to get past the gate.”
Engines warmed and the last of our belongings in the cars, we drive off the property and toward the heart of Stone Bay. The entire drive, my fingers itch to call Kirsten. To tell her and Travis to meet me at the inn. To grab my duffel from the back, stumble to my room at the inn, fall face first on the bed, and sleep for two solid days. And then check out and drive back to Smoky Creek. Alone.
But I don’t call her. I don’t give voice to my thoughts.
A glutton for punishment, I park in her driveway. Help unload his truck and her SUV. Amble into the living room and collapse on the couch. Peek at the other end of the couch, frown, then shift my gaze anywhere but at Kirsten as she snuggles into Travis’s neck.
Every rational thought in my head screams for me to get up and leave. To give Kirsten one last hug, one last kiss on the forehead. To tell her I’ll always love her, even if she doesn’t feel the same. To text Aaron for a ride, grab my bag, and walk out the door.
But fuck, my heart begs for one last shot. Pleads with me to try one more time. Implores me to put it all on the line and bare my soul.
Words on the tip of my tongue, a kaleidoscope of butterflies flapping in my chest, I open my mouth to tell Kirsten how much I love her. How I always will, and that she is who I want.
But the words never leave my lips.
Travis buries his face in the crook of her neck, crushes her to his chest, and says, “I love you so fucking much, sunshine.” A stuttering breath leaves him a beat before his body shakes and sobs fill the air. “Was so fucking scared.”
Fingers in his hair, she curls into his quaking frame. “Love you too, Trav.” Muffled sniffles fill the air, her voice chafed and garbled with emotion. “Never been more scared in my life.”
The words on my tongue evaporate and I straighten in my seat. And then I’m rising from the couch. Kirsten inches back and heats my profile with her stare. Studies what I’m sure is a pained expression on my face.
Before she says anything, I speak up. “Gonna head out. I’m beat.”
She sits up straighter but doesn’t leave Travis’s lap. “Stay. Sleep in Skylar’s old room. Dee Dee won’t mind.” Wiping a hand under her eyes, she sniffles. “Please, Benji.”
A Kirsten-shaped fissure forms beneath my sternum and splits me in two at the sound of my childhood nickname. But I shove down my pain and bury it deep. Don’t let her see an ounce of the agony gnawing at my soul.
I fetch my boots in the foyer and slip them on. As I tie the laces, a war wages inside me—my heart says there is still hope while my head yells to bolt now. God, how I want to cave to her pleas. How I want to read more into her words and believe she will run into my arms and never let go.
Minutes pass as I fumble with the simple task. As I fight the urge to take her up on the offer.
Then a moment of clarity strikes.
In her own way, Kirsten loves me. It’d be foolish to ignore such a thing. But her love for me will never be the love I want or deserve from her.
I want endless devotion and adoration. Bubbly laughter from mini versions of me and my future wife. I want adventure and surprise and passion. To hold her hand in mine as we watch our children grow, as our hair grays and skin weathers. To be the person she can’t live without, the one she chooses above all others.
Walking away from Kirsten is hard enough. Last thing I need to do is make it worse—for me more than her.
It’s time to rip off the bandage. Time to let go of the notion Kirsten and I will ever be more than friends.
Kirsten made her choice. And he isn’t me.
Now, I need to move on.
Head high, shoulders back, heart broken, I cross the room to her and Travis. Hinging at the hips, I press my lips to her crown, close my eyes, and inhale one last pull of her sweet fragrance. “Love you, sparkles.” I school my features and straighten my spine. “But it’s time for me to go,” I mutter.
Kirsten scrambles in Travis’s lap and he groans. “Ben, no. Stay.”
Reluctantly, I step back and shake my head. “Glad you’re safe.” I glance past her to Travis. “Take care of her, man.”
Without a word, he dips his chin. A fool, he is not. Travis knows exactly what I am doing. Knows I am being the bigger person and walking away. Because if I don’t, this back and forth will never end. Kirsten’s heart is too damn big to let go.
