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Even in Hell, the point is that you’re never alone. That’s the curse, allegedly. Everyone is miserable and paradoxically disconnected and yet bonded by their fallenness, so the collective trauma drags everyone down. Yet, when has he, a monster, felt such a connection to anyone since he met Paimon?
And now, Adrian with their caginess and sharp tongue and brilliance.
I have them.
I have them both.
Yet, a chasm yawns in him, and it’s filled with doubt.
Anthony got away.
Anthony got away with hurting and abandoning him.
Yeah, he should be good and forgiving and let go. Bitterness will consume your soul, etcetera, etcetera.
Forget that.
Fuck that.
Lauren?iu missed his mother’s last moments, her funeral, because of Anthony. He wept on the tiles of a hospital bathroom for hours, pink grooves left on his skin.
He can kill Anthony and then return, and he won’t ever have to pace for hours, seething in anger because the world told him that it wasn’t fair, that he must pay and pay and pay and suffer, but it was okay for Anthony to get a free ride. The sheltered son of a local politician who never took out student loans or wanted for anything.
He had all these easy smiles, and all the teachers would point and say, See, Lauren?iu, why can’t you be more like Anthony? He’s so positive; good things happen to him because the universe gives good back energy to people who are bright and happy. Those who are happy beget happiness, and those who suffer deserve their self-inflicted misery. Easy.
It’s easy to be happy when you have the world. When it doesn’t shun you. When you pretend to be happy, even when it kicks you, like a good dog.
I can have both. I’ll rip his throat out and come home to them. I’ll bathe off the blood and get into bed with Paimon.
A chill goes down his spine. It sounds good.
It must be unfeasible.
Is it?
He doesn’t deserve good things.
You’ll have to go back to Hell. You can’t take Adrian with you.Not entirely true.
After all, Virgil did take Dante, a living man, through all nine circles of Hell with no consequences. The fallen angels can even visit Heaven, like Lucifer did during the whole Job incident. But would he really tell Adrian to go to Hell, even a gilt part of it?
And Paimon, the way he looks at him, speaks to him, listens to him...
Can a fallen angel love? A dark realization washes over him.
I wouldn’t deserve it if he could.
He gives a start and asks himself for the first time,Is that true?
He becomes aware that Paimon is watching him. Their eyes meet.
“Sorry. I know it’s rude to stare. But you’re looking very serious and deep in thought.”
“I was.”
“How was your time with Adrian?”
“It was fine. Good. It’ll take some time, but they’ll get there with their training.”
