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“Yara, what is it?” he asked, alert.
I felt light-headed. I felt sick. I felt like, at any moment, I’d pass out.
Everyone’s eyes were on me. I felt them. Everyone stared my way and judged me. I couldn’t escape. My mind was too far gone from being able to move.
“I, I, I think, I, I’m, I’m, I’m having—” I tried to push out my words as the pie dropped from my shaky hands. My voice was choppy and broken, like my heartbeats.
“A panic attack,” Alex said, taking my hands into his. “You’re having a panic attack.”
Yes, I thought. That.
As my legs were about to collapse, Alex caught me. He went into authoritative mode and led me down the hillside. He moved me through the festival as people stared at me. As they judged me. As they whispered about what had been happening.
He led me to his restaurant and moved me through the kitchen. When we entered the space, he swung open the large refrigerator and had us move inside.
“I-I can’t breathe,” I whispered, still shaking. Still crumpling. Still breaking.
“You can, and you will. Just slow down, Goldie. I’ve got you,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. “Slow down.”
I fell against his chest as he held me close to him.
The chilled fridge relaxed my overheated body as I lay against Alex. He held me so close that even if I wanted to hit the ground, it wasn’t a possibility. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that he found me in such a state of panic.
I kept my breakdowns to myself.
I put on a happy face for the whole world to see. I had panic attacks in the privacy of my own home and office when the doors were closed. Never in front of others. Always by myself. I’d been so alone for so long in my states of panic that I didn’t even know there could be a safe place outside of me, myself, and I to fall apart. I didn’t know that breaks could happen in the arms of another. I didn’t know other people could catch me when I fell.
I wanted to apologize to Alex. I wanted to tell him that this wasn’t me, that I wasn’t the broken woman who fell apart, but instead, when he gave me his shoulder, I cried against it.
“I-I’m sorry,” I choked out.
“Shh, you’re fine. Just slow down,” he repeated. “It’s okay. You can break here. I’ll catch your pieces.”
That did me in.
When he told me to let go, I unleashed it all.
He held me through it.
Every tear, every howl, and every break, he held on tight.
After minutes of falling apart, we sat on the refrigerator floor. I fiddled with my hands, still a little embarrassed as I told him what happened with Cole and Keri.
“I detest the majority of humans,” Alex said. “But they are now at the top of my list.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Me too. Don’t get me wrong, I already despised Cole. But Keri…she smiled at me every day during the affair and every day after. I cried into her arms about it. She comforted me. That felt so cruel.” For the longest time, I’d convinced myself it was Lori. I had it made out in my brain that she was the one who Cole had betrayed me with. It made sense to me. Keri did not.
“I’ll never understand those types of people.”
“Me neither.” I wiped my eyes and laughed quietly. “I never cried in front of another person like that. I normally hide my hurts.”
“I have to admit, for a while, I thought you weren’t capable of being heartbroken like that. You put on such a brave face.”
“Yeah, well. People pleasers learn how not to show their bad days. You get a fear that you might push people away. Like now, I worry that you saw too much, and you might pull away.”
He reached out and took my hand. “I’m right here, Goldie. You didn’t scare me off.”
I tried to push out a smile, but he told me not to force it. I didn’t have to put on a mask with him that evening. I could be all of me—the good, the bad, and the broken.
I glanced around the refrigerator. “I have to admit, this place comes in handy for panic attacks. It chilled my overheated body instantly.”
“Yeah, it does that.”
I raised my eyebrows. “How many panic attacks have you had in here before?”
Alex’s brow knitted, and he shrugged. “Enough to know the cold air helps.”
My poor black cat.
I rubbed my hands together. “Look at us. Just two damaged people sitting in a fridge, working through their trauma.”
He snickered. “Who would’ve thought we’d get here? I will say it’s nice to see this side of you.”
I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “What? Me being broken?”
“No,” he clarified. “You being real.”
CHAPTER 31
