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“I’m just gonna get dressed.”
I watched Archer, knowing he was going to head back to his room any minute, and I’d be on my own again.
“Are you going?” I asked, my voice wobbling.
“I-I presumed you’d want me to. You seemed so upset. Was it what we did? Was it too much?”
I burst into tears again.
“Fuck, Nee. I’m so sorry. I should have stopped. I shouldn’t have made you come. Are you in pain?”
“No,” I sniffed. “Will you sit?”
Archer perched on the edge of my bed, close enough that he could touch me, but being careful not to crowd me and I loved how well he seemed to know me.
“I’ve been on my own forever. Literally. I don’t remember the first twenty-seven years of my life and then the first few months after my operation, I had no one. I had to move to a new town, start a new job, and try to heal, even though my memories had been erased. Other than my dad, who doesn’t even seem to want to speak to me, I had no one to ask questions to, no one to help me when I was in pain, no one to remind me to eat or make me a coffee in the morning. And then you waltz into my life and give me everything. You tell me I’m loved, desired, that I have friends, that I’m important. You take care of medespitethe huge scar on my head and my missing past, even after what you went through with your mum, and then to top it all off you offer me your body and tell me you trust me enough to do what I’m dreaming about and then you wash my hair.”
Another ugly sob sounded out.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Arch. I don’t know why you’d want with me and my broken brain, and I don’t know how to ever thank you for making me feel like I’m worth something.”
He pressed his palms to my cheeks, tilting my face up to his. “You are worth everything, Nee. Always. You are loved. I love you. I’m not here because I feel sorry for you. I’m here because you’re my soul mate. I want to see your scars, your broken edges, your weak points that make you feel like you might shatter; I want them all, and I will love you harder because of them. Just like you did for me.”
Tears rolled freely down my cheeks as I sobbed, unable to say anything to the beautiful man sitting across from me.
“You’re not on your own, Nee. You have me forever, even if we can’t find what we had. You have people who love you. We can’t fill the past, but we can try to help you navigate your future. Now, blow your nose, ‘cause you’re a snotty mess. I’m going to make you a chamomile tea and then you’re going to sleep.”
“Stay?”
Pressing a kiss to my forehead, he wrapped his hand in mine. “Of course I’ll stay.”
“Forever?” I whispered, feeling so needy that I was worried I might cry again.
Lifting my hand gently so my bracelet was out in front of me, he placed his next to it.
“I’ve already promised you forever, Nee. That won’t change, and if and when you’re ready to take me up on the offer, I’ll be waiting.”
I wished I remembered how much he meant to me. I wished I remembered how much I loved him. I hated that I couldn’t remember our first kiss, the moment when we knew we were each other’s forever, or when he asked me to marry him and I said yes. But right now, what I hated more than anything was I couldn’t promise him that I would ever feel enough to tell him those words I knew he longed to hear; that I loved him.
A few minutes later, Archer appeared with my tea, curling up next to me while I drank it and I fell asleep in his arms, my soul screaming at me that it remembered enough for it not to matter about my memory, but my brain refusing to relinquish control.
Archer
I’dnotsleptawink. Instead, I’d watched Nee sleep, making up for the months I’d had to live without her. Having our hands on each other earlier had been everything, but then, when she fell apart in the shower, it broke my heart. I hated how alone she’d felt and I wanted to try to help her see how loved she was.
Rolling over, I grabbed my phone from where it was charging on the side, starting a new group chat with me, Lea, Fox, and Charlie.
Me: I’m worried about Nee. She had a total meltdown tonight about losing her past and being on her own since her op. I have an idea to help. You guys up for a sneaky catch up tomorrow? Lea, why don’t you jump on our bus in the morning? You can ‘pretend’ you’re banging Fox.
Fox: Fuck off, Arch.
Me: It’s 4.56. Why are you awake?
Lea: Because he’s busy.
Me: I knew it.
Fox: You know nothing.
