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Emotion caught in my throat, making speech impossible.
“Can I do anything? Or would you prefer to be alone? I understand if you want me to leave.”
Grabbing her wrist, I held on tight, hoping she’d know how much I needed her.
“Okay, I can stay as long as you need me. Why don’t we go shower and then go to bed? You’ve been through such a lot today. Sleep will help.”
I let her take my hand, and lead me up the stairs to my room, as I battled to keep the tears at bay when we passed Mum’s old room. Nee guided me into the bathroom and turned on the shower, but I just stood there, feeling like even the smallest movement was too much.
“I’m going to help you undress, then I’m going to wash you. You take all the time you need, Arch. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
Stripping me out of my clothes, before taking off her own, and leading me under the jets. I wanted to feel the relief of the water on my skin like I usually did, but I felt nothing.
Nee washed my hair and then covered my skin in foamy bubbles as she cleaned every inch of me, kissing my cheek and whispering reassurances, but I felt like I was watching from outside of my body… disconnected, numb, lost.
Turning off the water, Nee wrapped us both in towels, steering me to sit on the edge of the bed as she dried my body and my hair, before pulling back the covers and pushing me back against the pillows.
She stood to leave, and a strangled cry escaped from my throat. Turning, she pressed a kiss to my lips, running her fingers down my jaw. “I’m just going to turn the lights off downstairs and make sure the alarm is set and I’ll be back. I’m not leaving, I’m not going anywhere.”
Keeping her promise, Ionee was back a few minutes later, crawling in bed beside me and holding me tight until exhaustion stole my thoughts.
When I woke, moonlight flooded the room, but something was wrong. My chest felt heavy, my arms and legs numb, lips tingling. I tried to breathe in, but I couldn’t fill my lungs. Scrabbling to sit up, I kicked against the mattress, my body not feeling like mine. Heart racing, I shook Ionee awake, my head spinning.
She sat up instantly, eyes wide as she took me in.
Pressing my heart to my chest, I tried to tell her what was wrong because I couldn’t say a word.
“Shit, Archer, I need you to breathe. Look at me and concentrate on breathing. Try and slow it down. Breathe out for five and in for three.”
I tried, but it was impossible, each breath feeling shallower than the last. My hands twisted in the sheets as I gulped greedily for more air.
“Archer, baby, you need to breathe. You’re having a panic attack. You’re safe, but you need to let some air in, or else you’ll pass out.”
Cupping my face, her touch soothed me, but it did nothing to stop the cramping pain in my chest. Nee pressed her other hand to my heart and leaned forward, covering her lips with mine. Her mouth stole my pain, and her gentle caress slowed my breathing. Climbing closer, she straddled my thighs, wrapping herself around me, touching me with as much of herself as possible.
I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, her kissing my heartbeat back into a normal rhythm. When she broke away, her eyes were blown and her lips swollen.
“Arch,” she panted breathlessly. “Talk to me, please. Don’t bottle this up. Don’t shut me out.”
“It should hurt, shouldn’t it?” I whispered.
“What?”
“This… losing her. It should hurt. I should feel it in my heart, in my gut… somewhere, but I can’t feel anything. I feel numb. I feel untethered… like I’m free falling.” A sound ripped from my chest like a wounded animal, making Ionee’s face twist with concern. “Show me I can still feel something, Nee. Please. Show me that my heart hasn’t turned to dust and I’m not totally lost.”
“Archer, you’re not broken. I promise. You’re in shock. I won’t let you free fall.”
Mum’s final words to me, asking me to forgive her, began to swim around my head, my heart rate increasing again as my panic took over.
“I just want to feel something…” I whispered. “Help me?”
“Arch, I can’t—”
“Please.”
She kissed me briefly before taking my face in both her hands. “Are you sure?”
I nodded.
