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“We were in New York. You’d come on tour with me and my bandmates, Fox and Charlie. I’d asked you to marry me a few days before. We’d just played a gig in Madison Square Gardens. The next morning, we went for a walk and someone must have spotted me. A crowd came out of nowhere. There were too many for my security team to handle. We were trying to get back to the hotel when your hand slipped from my mine and the crowd swallowed you up. You were only gone a few minutes, but that was enough. You broke some ribs, had a concussion… I thought that was it, but I knew that night you were hiding something from me.”
“Why didn’t I tell you?”
I ran my fingers through my hair as I summoned the courage to be honest with her. “My mum had early onset dementia.” Ionne’s face crumbled as if she instantly understood the significance. “I started caring for her full time when I was fourteen. She died just after I met you. You knew my biggest fear was the same thing happening to someone I loved. Having someone who was physically there, but doesn’t remember you no matter how hard you love them; it almost broke me once and I guess you thought I couldn’t handle it again… or knowing you, you didn’t want to make me have to handle it. You loved me so much that I think you sacrificed our relationship to protect me.”
“And did it work? Did I protect you?”
“You left me. Without an explanation. You sent me a text telling me you couldn’t doitanymore and not to look for you. So no, you didn’t protect me, Nee. You broke my fucking heart.”
“And was I wrong?” she questioned. “Could you have handled it… my memory loss?”
I shook my head. “I guess we’ll never know.”
There was a pause, silence settling over the room, our thoughts and regrets falling like snow on a winter’s day.
Eventually Nee handed me an envelope with three symbols drawn on the front and instructions not to open it unless she saw them.
“What do they mean?” she questioned, pointing at my bracelet and then the envelope.
“I bought it when I bought yours. The octopus is you, the flowers are forget me nots and this is the infinity sign. It was my promise that I would love you for eternity, because everything about you was seared into my memory and etched into my soul.” I almost laughed at the irony of it now.
“You didn’t take it off after I left?”
Her words were like needles stabbing into me, making my heart hurt. “You leaving didn’t make any of those promises less true. I didn’t stop loving you.”
She let out a quiet gasp.
“You didn’t take yours off, but I didn’t see it mentioned in your memory book.”
“I felt like it belonged on my wrist. As if it was part of me. Do you want it back?”
Wrapping my hand over it, I shook my head. “Which bit of ‘I didn’t stop loving you’ didn’t you hear?”
“But—”
I lifted my hand and pressed my finger to her lips. “Don’t. Please don’t say it. I know everything is different, but don’t say what I think you’re going to say because I think it might kill me. I know you might never say you do love me, but please, please don’t ever tell me you don’t.”
Her tear filled eyes burned into mine while my broken heart tried its best to keep beating.
“Open it.” She pointed to the envelope. “I haven’t seen inside. Maybe we can read it together.”
Tearing it open, I lifted out the letter and held it in front of us while we read what it said.
Hey, future me,
Well, if you’re reading this (and you waited until you’d seen those symbols and not just sneaked a look - if you’re sneaking a look, put it down!) then I guess he found you and I have some explaining to do… to both of you.
When I was told about my tumor I was engaged to the best man in the world. A man I loved more than anything. A man I would do anything for. Which is why I did what I did. You see, Archer lost his mum to dementia not that long ago. He’d been taking care of her since he was 7 and when she was diagnosed, he was 14. He gave up his whole life—school, friends, everything—to take care of her, because that’s the kind of man he is. And I knew he would take care of me in a heartbeat. But at what cost? Would he give up his life again? Would he stay with me out of a sense of guilt? Would he ever survive if this tumor is cancer, and I am destined to die a slow and painful death? God, I can’t do it to him. The fear of what might happen to me was hard enough, but then they told me I’d probably lose my memory. Like I said, the minute they said it, I knew it would happen. I felt it in my gut. Archer watched his mum forget him. He longed for her to recognize him. How can I do the same? How can I look at the man I love and not remember him?
I can’t do that. I won’t do that to him. He deserves so much more than to be my carer, or watch me die, or worse, stay with me when I don’t know who he is.
So, I’m leaving. Like I said, you were loved, Nee… are loved, but I can’t put him through this again. So I’m cutting him out of our past. I’ve not mentioned him in my memories, because he deserves a future with someone who remembers their past, no matter how much it hurts to do this to him.
I met Archer at my first gallery show. He hated my art. Really hated it. He was so lost and I helped him find a way to express himself. What started as a safe place for him to explore who he was after years of focusing on other people and putting them first turned into a love stronger than I knew possible. Leaving him will hurt him, staying will kill him. I can’t do that.
But if you’ve seen the bracelet, then I guess fate had other ideas. I picked Miami because Archer swore he’d never return, so if he’s here then make sure he’s okay about being here.
Also, if he’s found you, he will have questions. Show him the book, let him read everything, then hold him while he falls apart. Don’t let him break.
