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NORA: Okay, you asked for it, woman. Now you’re going to get it…
GRAM: Get what? Are you already in Chicago? If not, you shouldn’t be texting and driving. It’s very dangerous. I saw a thing about it on the news. According to the research, it’s six times more deadly than drinking and driving! We’re all addicted to these phones and they’re going to kill us.
NORA: I’m not texting and driving. And I’m not in Chicago. I’m in a cozy treehouse in the middle of nowhere with a devilishly sexy man.
GRAM: THAT’S MY GIRL!
NORA: Oh, hush. No need to shout about it.
GRAM: I knew all you needed was a kick in the pants. There’s no shame in having a dry spell. But hiding your light away forever is a different thing entirely. I couldn’t let that happen to you, pumpkin. Not when you’ve got so much love to give. That’s why I pushed you a little, and why I talked to that reporter, even though Debbie told me not to, because she’s suspicious of the press. But I don’t have anything to hide and neither do you.
Oh, drat…I spoiled the surprise, didn’t I?
Well, you would have found out about it anyway, come tomorrow morning. There’s a newspaper article coming out about you in the local paper. Isn’t that exciting!
NORA: I know. I don’t want to talk about it.
GRAM: How do you know? And why not? What’s wrong?
NORA: I have my ways. And I don’t want to talk about it because I’m mad, Gram. That article was mortifying and probably bad for my business. But you can make it up to me by giving me solid advice in my moment of need and promising never to talk about me behind me back ever again.
GRAM: Wait. I’m confused. The article is supposed to be good! Very flattering. The woman promised. How could it be bad for your business?
NORA: Being a prude who’s going through a dry spell doesn’t sell clothes!
GRAM: I don’t think that’s true. I bet a lot of the women who buy your clothes are in the same boat you are, Nora. Your entire generation just isn’t very comfortable with sex. I blame all the screens. They’re trying to kill us in the car and in the bedroom. You kids need to do more discoing and less texting.
Disco was so much fun. There’s a trend I’d like to see come back around. I told the reporter as much. Did she put that in the article?
I’m so jealous that you’ve already read it.
NORA: Like I said, I don’t want to talk about the article right now. Focus, woman! I’m coming to you for help, and I don’t have much time.
GRAM: Okay, of course, honey. I’m here any time you need me. What’s on your mind?
NORA: Sex.
GRAM: WONDERFUL!
NORA: Stop. Your enthusiasm is disturbing. Let’s keep this classy.
GRAM: I’m always classy. I still wear a girdle every time I leave the house. And hose. And a hat if the occasion calls for it. You know I love a hat.
NORA: I know you do. Probably as much as you loved boinking Grandpa.
GRAM: Oh no, I enjoyed boinking Grandpa much more. He was a very thoughtful and creative lover.
NORA: That’s still a little traumatizing to hear, honestly, but I’m happy for you. I know you want to be happy for me, too, so, I’m going to ask your advice on my current situation. But full disclosure, I don’t want any gross sex tips or anything too graphic, okay? I just need a little help getting the ball rolling.
GRAM: I wouldn’t give you gross sex tips, honey. I wouldn’t mean to, anyway. But I guess one woman’s fuzzy handcuffs is another woman’s ball gag and fisting.
NORA: Who are you? What have you done with my grandmother?
GRAM: I wasn’t always an old woman with arthritis, you know. I had my first boyfriend when I was only thirteen. After I won Junior Miss Bad Dog in 1959, Daddy couldn’t keep the boys away. I was pretty wild in my twenties, too, for a small town girl in the 60s. Cassie Ann Sweetwater and I painted this town red every Saturday night. I’m pretty sure both our parents thought we were going to hell in a handbasket, but we sure did have a good time.
NORA: About Cassie Ann Sweetwater… Are you two still friends?
GRAM: No, not really. We’re cordial when we meet in passing, but things changed between us when her daddy died, and she took over the family business. I don’t believe in judging people, but Cassie Ann was such a smart woman. She could have made a fabulous life for herself without getting mixed up in all that criminal nonsense.
