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“You really want to get used to me coming home in this state?” I joked with a chuckle, earning a small flick on the nose from him. “You’re not going to lecture me?”
“About what? Going out there and doing what you need to do? Do I like seeing you coming home like this? Absolutely not, but we both know that in this line of business, if you are involved then you’re going to get your hands dirty and beaten. You came back home with no major injuries, so I can rest easy.” He wasn’t happy about any of this. I could hear the edge in his voice, the wariness of it along with the apprehension.
“Anh.” Reaching up, I placed my hand over his, holding him at my cheek, “I promise, when things settle, I won’t be coming home like this. I plan on going back to being as uninvolved as possible. So, this is just temporary.” I wouldn’t rest easy until I put Lady Qing down with my own bare hands. Afterwards, I have no intentions on being so hands-on in the business, mine or Nikolai’s. “I don’t like it, but it’s just what I have to do right now.”
Sighing heavily, Nikolai pulled his hand away to set the cloth down so he could use both of his hands to cup my face, his thumb softly brushing my bottom lip as he looked deeply into my eyes with worried ones. “Let me help then, you don’t have to shoulder the burden yourself anymore. I know you can handle yourself, but it’ll put me at ease if I had your back out there.”
Unable to help it, I giggled softly with a smile. “Who would have thought that my big bad bratva husband is such a softie at heart.” It was endearing, and it made my heart melt, as cliche as it sounded.
“I hate that you bring this out of me, but in a way it’s good to know I still have some shred of humanity in me.” There was a stormy conflict in his eyes with his words. “Though, it’s also damning.”
Gently cupping his face, I kept his eyes on mine as I spoke, “No, it’s not,anh. I know in this line of work it’s better to be a heartless bastard, but having emotions is a good thing for this world. Emotions don’t make you weak, they make you stronger. When you feel for something, the desire to preserve it will drive you to greater lengths than you could ever imagine. Yes, your enemies will use your emotions against you, but those same emotions will drive you to better yourself for your own sake and those you care about.”
Breathing deeply, I wet my lips with the tip of my tongue before letting out a soft chuckle and continuing, “Maybe I’m just soft, but I also know that nothing good ever comes out of shutting your emotions out entirely. It’s a lonely and sad life to deny your emotions to where you shut yourself off from everyone who cares about you. You only have one life, might as well live it how you want. And I don’t want to hear some bullshit about your standing as the head and how it will be weak and shit because it doesn’t.”
Pausing to collect my thoughts, I looked deeply into his eyes briefly as my thumbs stroked his cheeks. “Being a leader is so much more than just techniques and methods, you need that emotional aspect, to make yourself a little vulnerable. Good leaders are supposed to inspire themselves and their followers. It’s all about the actual experience and not some stupid processes. There’s no guidebook that outlines things step by step when it comes to leadership because it’s not that simple. It’s not some stupid routine.”
I had no idea where the fuck I went with things, and I’m pretty sure what bullshit I spewed made no sense. “Please don’t drag this on more because philosophy is not my strong suit, and I’ve reached my inspirational quota for the year.” I don’t know how I passed the damn class in college, but I did somehow with my pants on fire.
The two of us fell into a moment of laughter as we leaned into each other. “I try so hard to break away at what my father beat into me, and sometimes I wonder if it’s the right thing to do or if I am just retaliating to spite the damn bastard in death.” He admitted with a heavy sigh.
“What you are doing is right. Your men follow you and remain loyal to you because they respect you, not fear you. So, even if you think otherwise, you are doing more right than wrong as a leader.” Did it make any sense? I have no idea, my brain tapped out for the night, and my words sounded like utter nonsense to me. Well, as long as it helped him, that’s all that mattered.
“Well, I couldn’t have fucked up that bad if the world gave me you.” He chuckled against my lips before kissing me deeply. “You know, you look hot in this outfit.” His hand worked at the straps of my holster as he spoke with a smirk.
“I’m just wearing a typical tactical outfit, nothing hot about that.” Everything was all black too. It wasn’t like I wore something scandalous.
“You just have this aura of power in this outfit, more than usual. Reminds me of just how deadly and formidable you can be. And what really gets me going is the fact that this powerful woman is all mine.” He growled proudly before pressing his lips against mine in a possessive kiss. He captured my bottom lip between his teeth, tugging it as he pulled away. “Let’s get you cleaned up properly, then I can show you who you belong to at the end of the day.”
“Yes, sir.” I purred with a smile.
“After your punishment of course.” The smug bastard.
“Oh come on, I just came home all beaten up, are you really going to bend me over your knee and beat me some more?” I asked with a pout, doing my best to give him some puppy dog eyes.
Chuckling, he slipped his hands under my shirt to rest them on my bare waist. “Lisichka, that’s never going to work on me. Also, I am not going to beat you, I am going to spank you, punish you, there’s a huge difference. I thought about letting it spill into tomorrow night until the fact that you disobeyed me regarding Benjamin coming with you. So, now I can’t let you off the hook, otherwise I’d be losing my touch.”
“Fuck. He told you? Damn, I must be losing my touch if he got free.” In my defense, I had intended on taking him so he could be the driver, but after a stressful shift, I didn’t want to deal with the possibility of Benjamin jumping in because it was his job to protect me.
“Of course he told me about your little stunt of sedating him and leaving him hogtied in the back of his own vehicle.” And there was the stern, dominating tone of his.
“Snitch.” I grumbled, crossing my arms and turning my pouting face away from Nikolai.
His strong fingers gripped my cheeks, forcing my head back to him. “I’m his boss, of course he’s going to tell me about any shit you pull. He may be your bodyguard, and you technically his boss, but I’m the one he reports to at the end of the day.” He paused for a second, darting his tongue out to sweep it across his lips before continuing, “Now, like I said, we’re going to get you cleaned up nicely, then I’ll dish out your punishment before taking all that is mine.”
“Yes, sir.” I sighed softly, letting him help me off the counter and back on my feet. Resigning to defeat was the only option unless I wanted to make things harder for myself. It was either give in and get pleasure or fight and be left hanging. It was clear to Nikolai I enjoyed getting punished, or at the very least my body did by how wet and aroused I would get every time he took me over his knee. If I behaved then he’d let me orgasm, if not then it would just be a night filled with frustration.
Just as he was about to pull my shirt off, his phone went off. He showed no sign of answering it, letting it ring out, but then it went off a second time right after. “I have to get this. I trust you can get yourself cleaned up without much trouble,lisichka. I expect you to be naked on the bed when you’re done.”
“Yes, sir.” I muttered, fidgeting with my fingers as I thought about later. I was nervous, but not for the right reason.
Nikolai gave me a quick kiss before leaving the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Alone in the bathroom, I quickly stripped myself and hopped in the shower, letting the hot water cascade over me. I’ve been lucky with the lights off and the over dark nights, but there was no way I’d be able to avoid things for much longer.
“Ouch!” The snap of my hair tie stung at my wrist more than I had expected. “Come on, you have to tell him eventually... Just rip the bandaid off...” Okay, maybe pep talking to myself in the shower wasn’t as helpful as I thought because it only made me more anxious. It also made me feel like a madwoman finally losing her damn mind.
The soft click of the door opening took my attention. “Lisichka, I have to head out, something requires my attention. It’s going to run late unfortunately, so guess you’re lucky tonight.” Nikolai’s voice echoed through the bathroom.
“Oh, okay. Be safe out there, and make sure you come back to me alive.” I half shouted after him.
