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“Hey.” His stern voice made my eyes drift up to his face, “Don’t you ever say or think any less of yourself.”
His fingers threaded through my loose locks, splaying them out on the pillow under me. “You are perfect in my eyes, from those sharp yet delicate eyes, those lovely lips, the subtle curves, the tone of your body that screams dangerous woman. You hold yourself with such elegance and power in the right situations, where just one look at you and people can tell that you are not someone to be trifled with. I don’t care about arm candy, never have, never will, but you will always be a whole damn dessert table that’ll overly satisfy my cravings.”
Leaning down, he kissed me deeply, holding my face with a needy grip as if he’s afraid I’ll slip away. “I don’t care if you’re broken either, not like I am a saint with a clean background. We all have our demons and skeletons in the closet, and I’ve long accepted mine. So, who would I be to judge you for having your own baggage when I have a house full of it?”
“Good point. You would be quite the asshole if you judged me while being a wreck and a half yourself.” I chuckled softly in response. “But, question: what if it wasn’t me? Would you still have agreed to be married off to whoever?”
There wasn’t an ounce of hesitation or reluctance in his terse response. “No. I went into that meeting with my brothers with no intention of agreeing to the marriage. I was in the mindset that we would leave with the promise of war or an altered agreement between both sides. The plans went up in flames the moment I saw that it was you, and I took it as a sign from the universe to take you since you were being presented to me on a golden platter. If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t have agreed, nor would I have forced any of my brothers into the marriage.”
Frowning softly with worry, I traced a finger down his cheek. “Is there something else? You have that distant look in your eyes.” I noticed a pattern with Nikolai: whenever he held something back, his eyes took on an empty and distant look, and usually, a brush-off or a cold shoulder followed shortly after.
“Just... I never thought I’d engage in such an archaic act after what happened to my sister.” Nostalgia, sadness, anger, the emotions softened and hardened his eyes within seconds.
“Your sister... What happened to her?” I knew his sister had passed from the land of the living, but he never once mentioned her after that night in the car. I’ve never brought the subject of his mother or sister back up, sensing it was a sore spot for him that was better off left untouched until he was ready.
Nikolai had spoken about his mother from time to time without any prying from me. She was a lovely person from all he’s told me, a lovely but poor woman who was stuck in an abusive and loveless marriage to a monster of a person who was his father. Despite her situation, she loved her children with all her heart, always doting on them and teaching them to be proper and right men, to not be like their father. I would have loved to meet her if she were still here, and no doubt I would have loved her and been eternally grateful to her for raising such an amazing son; Nikolai assured me the feeling would’ve been mutual if she were still here, that she would have doted on me like her own daughter.
But never would he touch the subject of his sister. He would always shut the door before we even approached it.
“Natasha, she came before the twins, the true apple to my mother’s eyes because she was tired of being outnumbered. I remember the day she laid eyes on my sister for the first time, there was such happiness, but it was fleeting. I didn’t understand it back then, why my mother suddenly shed tears and looked so disheartened and sad when it was supposed to be a happy moment. I realized it when I got older, that the reason my mother reacted the way she did was because she realized the hell that she had brought an angel to. She had damned her own beautiful daughter by having her. My mother tried her best to shield my sister from the ugly world we were forced into and from my father, but she could never truly keep my sister away from it all.” His voice wavered as his breathing became irregular.
Reaching out, I let the tips of my fingers stroke the back of his forearm in a comforting gesture. His body trembled with some deep breaths under my touch, and for a moment I worried he might shut me out again until he simmered back down.
“My father married her off to form an alliance. We never saw her again until her body was discovered months after the wedding. My father knew the vile son of bitch that he arranged my sister to, he knew what kind of sick and twisted things the man was prone to, yet he didn’t care, not that it surprised me considering how he treated his own children. We all tried to stop it, finding whatever loophole we could, even going as far as hiding my sister, but he found her in the end and dragged her into that church crying and screaming.” Nikolai’s voice wavered with his heavy breaths, and he had to pause for a moment to do some deep breathing.
Moments later, he continued. “Natasha’s husband kept her locked away from the world, and we couldn’t get into any kind of contact with her no matter how hard we tried. Months later, my cousin contacted me when the police in Moscow found the body of a female. I had to fly over there to identify her, and I could barely recognize the person who was on the coroner’s table when I first laid eyes on her.”
There was another pause as he sat there breathing deeply, calming his raging body. “It broke me to know how much she suffered before her death. My sister was the sweetest thing in the world, never did anything wrong in her life. So, to see her suffer like that, all because of our father, I snapped, especially after I found out about the evil things that had been done to her.”
Chortling, he smiled darkly. “It was the first time I attacked my father and went on a rampage that wiped out Ovechkin Bratva off the map.”
Then, with a rise and fall of his chest, his face saddened again. “My sister would still be alive right now, enjoying her life to the fullest, if it weren’t for that damned arranged marriage. I swore then that I would never force any of my brothers into such a situation where they could end up in a damned relationship, I didn’t want to take that kind of choice from them, the choice to choose their own life partners. Same went for me, and I feel like a selfish prick for taking your hand that night, but I couldn’t let you slip away a second time.”
“Kolya... I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t begin to imagine the kind of pain he must have gone through. The thought of losing Greg or Hanna or Bao already pained me, so I could only imagine it was a hundred times worse for Nikolai since he was so close to his siblings and placed such importance on them. “You got the bastard?”
“Yes, and I kept him locked in a basement for a whole week just to inflict a fraction of what he did to my sister onto him before beating him to death with my bare hands. I only wish I had the patience to drag his torture out longer.” There was this twisted look to his eyes, one a criminal would have after committing a crime and getting their rush. It was a look of a killer, a true killer.
“Mhmm, too bad you hadn’t met me yet, I probably would have talked you into letting it drag on.” I drew the line at killing, but torture was fair game. Death was a mercy in my eyes. Why should someone get an easy way out for the crimes they committed? They needed to suffer in this life for their sins.
I was a horrible person, twisted beyond salvation. The only thing keeping me from having a room at the mental hospital was the fact I had control over my twisted tendencies. I repressed my urges for the right time, and maybe the reason why I stuck around the triad was because it gave me a huge supply of victims—all who were very deserving of the torment I inflicted on them. It should never be okay to hurt another human being, justified or not, but I always hated that. Justice, especially by the law, was never sweet enough. Rotting away in prison was a luxury; perpetrators needed to suffer just like their victims—an eye for an eye.
It was good to see an insane enough person to want me for everything, even if it did seem too good to be true. “I swear, the moment this circus is over, I’m throwing you over my shoulder and hauling you down to the courthouse to get us married again, for real this time. I am never letting you go, ever.” The anger that rolled off of him in waves died down as his eyes studied my face.
Laughing softly, and groaning regrettably right after, I let my hand drift down and settle on his thigh. “We are not having a quick courthouse wedding if we’re going to get married for real. I want an actual wedding, the stupid little ceremony, the aisle, the white dress, the reception, all of it. It sounds stupid and childish, but I want all of that with you.” Sure, did I dream about the stupid fairytale wedding growing up? Yes, but I threw that dream out the window after getting stabbed in the back, literally and figuratively.
Smiling, Nikolai reached out and cupped my face, stroking my bottom lip with his thumb. “We can have whatever wedding you want,lisichka. As long as you’re happy, then that’s all that matters. God knows we can both afford to throw whatever kind of wedding we want.” There really would be no limit given our seemingly unlimited bank account.
“Come here.” I lazily reached up and grabbed at the front of his shirt, pulling him down into a soft kiss. “So lucky you weren’t some slob of a mob boss.” I laughed softly with a groan. I really gotta stop doing that until this headache calmed down.
“And if I was?” Nikolai asked with a raised brow and a curious, yet knowing, smirk.
“You’d be swimming with the sharks.” I replied, sticking my tongue out at him with a cheeky smile. “Think I’m going to nap a little to try and sleep off this hangover some.”
“I’ll just be in my office if you need me then.” Nikolai placed a kiss on my forehead before leaving me to slumber away.
Unfortunately, as tired as I was, sleep didn’t take me instantly. Even though things felt fine between us, there was a slight tension. Nikolai didn’t bring up the subject of the file or its contents, but I could see the push and pull in his eyes. A part of me was thankful he didn’t bring it up, but I also wanted him to so that I could finally set the record straight with him. Even if he did know about what happened, I still felt like I owed him a personal explanation, for it to come from me and not some words on pressed wood.
~*~
