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“Never too busy for you.” Rory smiled at me over the top of his laptop screen. “What’s up? Nothing that’s going to give me grey hairs, I hope. Your conduct has been exemplary lately.”
He was right. It had. The new season was underway, and so far, we’d won three games and drawn one. I’d managed to keep out of the headlines and had made a point of posting more team photos to my social media. They were mostly behind-the-scenes pictures from our training sessions or images of me hanging out with my teammates, but I made sure that a significant portion of them included Theo. Everyone needed to know that we were now friends.
“It’s not to do with my conduct, but it might give you grey hairs.” I threw out the words flippantly, but although I tried to stop my feelings from showing, I was terrified beyond belief. It was killing me to keep everything inside, though, and after a long video call with Dr. Weaver, I’d decided that I wanted someone in my life to confide in. Someone who was close to me, who I was eighty to ninety percent sure wouldn’t judge me.
Closing his laptop, Rory gave me his full attention. “I’m listening.”
“So…uh…I’m bi. Bisexual.”
Shock flashed in his eyes, but to his credit, he kept a neutral expression on his face. “Alright,” he said carefully. “What do you need from me?”
“I—I don’t know.” Fuck, my hands were shaking, and now my voice was giving me away. “I need—I need—”
“Breathe, Jordan.” Rory pushed away from his desk and came around to the front. He crouched down next to me, clasping my arm. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Okay.” I did as instructed, sucking in a deep breath and then another. “Okay,” I said again more calmly. “I wanted to tell you because I’m tired of keeping it all inside. I’m not… It probably wouldn’t be a good idea for me to come out publicly, would it? I think I might want to, but I don’t want to cause any more problems for Glevum, and I don’t want people to hate me.”
“Oh, Jordan.” Rubbing his hand across his jaw, he sighed. “That’s not a decision I can make for you. There’s some precedent in some of the other leagues, but if you were to make a statement as a Premier League player, we’d need to prepare for the fallout. The media, the fans, other players and staff members, the sponsors. You’ve already been making headlines, and this… I’d do what I could for you, of course, but I can’t protect you from everything.”
He wasn’t saying anything to me that I didn’t already know, but my heart sank anyway. Why did it have to be so fucking hard? It shouldn’t matter who you wanted to love.
Not that love was part of the equation. This was about the fact that I’d discovered this new side of me, and I didn’t want to hide it away. I knew there were plenty of good reasons to keep it to myself, especially being a professional sportsperson, but at the same time, I knew that keeping it hidden wasn’t something I could personally do. But how far I wanted to take it, how many people I wanted to know…that was the part I was unsure about.
“I know. I’ve already thought about that. I don’t want to make things harder, but at the same time, maybe it would be good if I did make a public statement. At least I wouldn’t have to hide if, uh, if I wanted to be with a man in the future or something. And what if there are other people like me? Wouldn’t it be good for them to know they’re not alone?”
Rory stared at me for a long moment, and then he gave my arm a reassuring squeeze. “How about you take some time to think about what you want, weigh up the pros and cons. I can discreetly gather some information on what the process of coming out publicly might look like, and we can take it from there. Perhaps we could put some feelers out with Harvey. Get his opinion on things. He’s your manager—a lot of the responsibility will fall on his shoulders should you choose to take this path.”
“Okay, yeah. That sounds like a good plan.” I attempted a shaky smile. “Fuck, this is the scariest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I’m proud of you, Jord. Thank you for telling me.” Rory climbed to his feet. “I’ve always got your back, I promise. We’ll get through this. You’re not alone.”
“I know. Thanks.” When he returned to his seat, I leaned back in my chair, some of the weight lifting from my shoulders. Now that I’d shared my bisexuality with him and he’d given me his support, I could breathe easier. “There was one other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Don’t worry, it’s nothing big. I just have a few ideas about how we can make your office more environmentally friendly.”
Rory groaned. “If this is about me printing everything, I’ve already explained that to you.”
I ignored his comment for now, but we’d be revisiting that argument again sometime because the man was single-handedly keeping printer paper companies in business. “First of all, you need some plants in here. You really need to think about the quality of the air you’re breathing in.”
“How nice of you to be so concerned for my lungs,” he said dryly. “Go on, then. What else?”
“Have you thought about setting up a composting station in here?”
“No, Jordan, I have not thought about setting up a composting station.”
I grinned at him. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it all sorted out for you.”
He lowered his head to his desk with another groan. “I don’t get paid enough for this.”
* * *
Standing outside the red-brick terraced house that had been my childhood home, I took a deep breath, clasping the envelope in my trembling hand. All I had to do was push it through the letterbox, and then I could go.
Lifting the metal flap, I pushed the envelope through the slot and backed down the front path.
I wasn’t quick enough. The door swung open, revealing my dad. Everyone said he looked like an older version of me, but he was broader and taller than I was, with a lined face, silvery hair and beard, and blue eyes rather than grey.
“Alright, Jord? What you doing hanging around on the doorstep? Come in. I was just about to make a cuppa.”
“Uh, yeah, okay. I guess I’ve got time for one.” I crossed my fingers that he didn’t see the envelope lying on the hallway carpet.
