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I’ve never been so conflicted in my entire life.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news—”
“I know it doesn’t end with this war,” I interrupt, pausing to run a hand over my face. “I know this is just part of the life that Carter leads, but I can still hope for some peace, can’t I?”
Sam sighs. “Or you can ask Carter to walk away.”
“Walk away from the mob life?” I pull the phone away from my ear and snort. When I press it against my ear again, I’m filled with amusement and disbelief. “Have you met the guy? It’s like so deeply ingrained in his personality, I don’t think he knows how to function like a normal human being.”
Carter’s been the head of the Blackthorne family for a long time. So long that I doubt he remembers what it’s like to be an average guy.
I don’t think he would know how to function in the real world, where his biggest problems would be traffic, taxes, and keeping up with the rising cost of living. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous I feel.
Carter can’t have a nine-to-five job and come home to me at the end of the day so we can watch movies and talk about our days. As hard as I try to picture him in a suit, with a briefcase, a boss, and a regular salary, I can’t. Since the moment I laid eyes on him, I’ve known Carter was different, ruled over by ambition and single-minded determination.
It’s what has gotten him this far. It’s one of the many reasons I love him, in spite of the darkness. And I don’t want to think about what would happen to the Blackthornes if he walked away.
What would become of Tristan, Anita, Paul, and the others? Would they even survive without Carter in their corner?
As scared and worried as I am, I know I can’t condemn his family to that life, not without carrying that guilt around. Carter loves me enough to consider it. Hell, he might even agree to walk away for a time, but I don’t want him to resent me for making him walk away from his empire and his own blood.
Like it or not, the Blackthorne empire is part of the package deal.
Sam murmurs something in the background, and I hear a door click shut. “You could always ask. You’ve got nothing to lose, right?”
I shake my head. “I’ve got everything to lose. If Carter feels like I’m having doubts about him or us, he’s going to fly into a rage. And he needs to stay focused. One problem at a time.”
“Aren’t you having doubts though? Isn’t that what this is about?”
I stretch my legs out in front of me and blow out a breath. “I don’t know, but I do know that being here isn’t good for my mental health. It’s driving me crazy, Sam. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
Or how much longer I can remain at the mercy of the vicious voices in my head. The ones telling me that Carter might not come back to me after all.
What if when he’s done, he realizes that I’m too much of a hassle?
I don’t fit into his world. I’ve never fit in, and a part of me will always wonder if he could find someone better suited. Especially in my current condition.
“Please tell me you at least told him about the baby,” Sam whispers after a lengthy pause. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep it a secret.”
“I left him a note.”
“A note? Why didn’t you just tell him?”
“I kept trying, but I couldn’t find the words. Anyway, he’ll see the note when this is all over, and then we can talk about it.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing.”
I do, too.
Because right now, I’m just trying to keep my head above water to survive.
Chapter Forty
Carter
I slam my hands against the table hard enough to make it rattle. “What the fuck do you mean our man on the inside has disappeared?”
Paul winces and takes a step back. “I’ve tried all the usual methods to contact him, but nothing.”
