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There’s a ringing in my head, in my ears. One I can’t seem to get rid of. I’m doing my best as I hold my head in my hands, sitting in the fucking corner of the room while Sage sleeps in the bed. I glance over at her and watch her sleep. It’s like every fucking demon I have is rattling their cages at the same time. All the spirits from the past are coming back to haunt me at the same time. I tug at my hair before letting out a roar that scares the shit out of Sage. She leaps up, sitting up and reaching for the bedside table when she sees me.
“Turn it off!” She quickly turns it off before climbing off the bed and coming toward me. She kneels in front of me and rests her hands on my shoulders before leaning down and looking me in the eye.
“What’s happening, Ares?”
“I can’t do this, Sage. I can’t fucking do this! Don’t you see that? I need the fucking blood. I need the torture,” I tell her. She shakes her head, tears clinging to her lashes.
“No, you don’t. You just think you do. Look at me, Ares. You’re here. I’m here.”
“And you think that’s enough? You think that’s all I need?” I scream. I see the pain in her eyes from what I just said. She slowly leans back, and I know my words hurt her. But she’s right. She’s all I need. She’s what I want. When Sage stands, I do the same and grab her in my arms. I pull her toward me, crushing her body against mine.
“I don’t know what to do, Sage.”
“Do you need to talk to someone?” she asks softly. I laugh.
“No. I don’t need to talk to anyone. I need to deal with this in my own way,” I tell her.
“How?”
“I don’t know, Sage. I don’t fucking know. I feel like I’m slowly losing my damn mind.” It’s been months. Months and I’m still not over this shit. I get it; I was born and raised in this shit, so it will be harder and take longer to get over, but when I have Sage by my side, I don’t know why the thoughts keep sneaking back in.
Sage grabs my hand and slowly drags it between us, resting it on her swollen stomach. I sigh and relax a little.
“Think about the baby, Ares. All the good she’s going to bring.”
“She. Our daughter,” I say as if I can’t believe it. And I still can’t some days. I can’t believe she’s a girl after everything I’ve done to women in the past. What kind of sick God would do that? Put another female in my path?
“Yeah, our daughter,” she confirms as she presses her lips to my neck.
“I don’t know what the hell is happening to me, Sage.”
“You’re dealing with it, Ares. You’re doing the best you can,” she tells me, but am I? Am I doing enough? I don’t fucking know anymore. Because most days, I feel like I’m fucking failing, like I’m falling apart, and the only thing keeping me together is Sage and this baby.
“I need to go,” I tell her, pulling away from her. She releases her hold on me and lets me pull back. I turn and head for the bedroom door when I hear her sob. I want to turn back. I want to hold her, I want to fucking love her, but I can’t. Instead, I walk out of the house and out to my car, climbing in and driving to the local bar.
Once I’m inside, I order as many drinks as they’ll give me. A few women approach me, but I wave them off. Fuck them. They aren’t her, and the only one I want is her.
I knock back more drinks than I care to admit when the bell above the door rings, and someone else comes in. I blink my eyes rapidly to make sure that’s who I’m seeing when Ranger walks over and drops onto the stool next to me.
“She call you?” I ask.
“She was worried.”
“She shouldn’t be.”
“You’ve done this three times this week, Ares. What’s going on?” I smirk at him and take down another shot.
“My life is going on, Ranger. My fucking life. Do you realize how fucked up I am?” I laugh a little. “I mean, have you really looked at me and seen what the fuck I am?”
“That’s your past, Ares. Not your future.”
“My past? No, it’s my right now! It’s my fucking every day, Ranger. Without Bellmont, I have no fucking clue what I’m supposed to be doing. What am I supposed to do?” I tug at my hair because frustration has become my new best friend.
“You’re supposed to be her rock. You’re supposed to be who you’re meant to be.”
“Which is who? I don’t know who the hell that is, Ranger.”
“This is all new, Ares. No one expects you to find your way overnight. Things like this take time. You have to heal from your past, Ares. You have to figure out your way and what you want in life.”
