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“You shouldn’t have had to. I should have found a way to act sooner. I should have posted a guard I trusted with you, but I didn’t want to draw suspicions and knew we’d leave soon.” He stopped, grinding his jaw. “I didn’t figure they’d actually hurt you. I can’t stop thinking—”
I cut him off. I didn’t want his guilt or sadness or anything. They weren’t his to bear. They were the king’s or the council’s, but not his.
“Elijah, you planned and executed the entire escape in days. I would still be in there, or worse, if not for you. I think I should be thanking you, not upset with you. You have no reason to apologize for any of that.”
“Please tell me,” Elijah said, low and soft. He was pleading, acting nothing like the arrogant man I knew.
I was taken aback by this Elijah. When I walked up, I had expected a fight, not an apology. At best, I had hoped for a conversation where we talked to each other, not a soul baring where I was left speechless.
Was he seriously blaming himself?That’s something I couldn’t have seen coming. I was in his debt, and he was feeling guilty. It made no sense, yet I sensed no falsehoods. No trickery or games. This wasn’t about pitying me or somehow making me vulnerable to him.
I still had a lot of doubts when it came to Elijah, but I was starting to trust him, which was something I hadn’t seen ever happening again. It scared me to say. I always ended up hurt when I tried to let him back in, but I couldn’t deny the facts. Elijah behaved selflessly in rescuing me, honoring his promise to my father. He reached out to Aiden, despite his anger towards him, regardless of whatever their past grievances were. And he’d done it for me. That had to mean something. He also offered me sympathy and comfort despite my reluctance to accept.
Somehow, that meant the most to me. I blamed Elijah for Liam’s death and had said some horrible things along those lines— and he still treated me respectfully. Still offered me comfort. I could offer him this small assurance. I didn’t go into specifics; I couldn’t, but I could confirm I would be okay.
“I won’t lie. It was bad, but I always assumed my captivity would eventually end. I think anyone can survive if they know an end is in sight. After I heard about Father, it felt like I didn’t have a reason to go on anymore…” I trailed off, taking a breath. “But I never truly gave up. They tried to break me, but they never really did. I knew Father would want me to fight.”
Broken glass on the floor, a shard in my calf. Broken chair, a bruise on my temple. Water on the floor. Can’t breathe.
“No, not everyone can survive what you’ve been through,” Elijah insisted, his voice gravelly. “Did they… Are you…. Did anyone…” His hands shook slightly as they tightened over mine.
The sun had gone down behind the trees. It made reading Elijah more challenging than usual. I could feel his heat, his touch burning as always, but Elijah was all shadows. It made it easier to keep talking, thinking he couldn’t read me either. That he couldn’t see the words I left unsaid.
“I wasn’t violated in any way that I won’t recover from,” I assured Elijah in a stronger voice than before. “They did hurt me, torture me. But Father taught me how to handle pain. I was able to breathe through it, separate myself from it. They never…” I trailed off, unable to finish. Unable to say that they never touched me sexually. That was what he truly wanted to know and what I couldn't vocalize.
“Thank the Goddess,” Elijah swore.
I was grateful I hadn’t gone into detail. I would live with those memories forever, those phantom touches that burned with both pain and shame, but Elijah didn’t need them in his head. Not when the possibility of it seemed to hurt him so much.
“And don’t worry.” I grinned, trying to lighten the conversation. I didn’t like how Elijah’s distress was making me feel. “I got a few kicks in myself. Next time you see Guard Fucker, ask him how many times I kicked him in the balls. Spoiler: It was regularly. I’m sure he will remember me forever.”
“I should have hit him harder,” Elijah swore, a rumble coming from deep in his chest. “You came to the healer with more bruises than you’d left the council chambers with, despite the king’s warning. I hate that he got away with hurting you.”
“Well, to be fair, I did antagonize him. Plus, he knew I was going to the healer.”
“He didn’t think he’d get caught,” Elijah huffed. “He didn’t think anyone would notice another bruise mixed in with the hundreds of others.”
“You noticed,” I whispered.
“I did.”
The silence that stretched between us was not peaceful, both of us thinking so many things we wouldn’t say. Things we longed to say but couldn’t, waiting on the other person. We were barely breathing, our attention zeroed in on where he held my hand, carefully cleaning it.
“How are you? Really? Are you okay?” Elijah finally looked up, catching my eyes, but like a coward, I couldn’t hold his gaze. He stepped forward, lightly placing his fingers under my chin to lift my head, asking me to meet his gaze.
I looked into Elijah's dark eyes, which caught the moonlight and shone with sincerity. He held my gaze, my breath, my full attention. He made it impossible to look away.
Elijah's eyebrows lowered, and his lips thinned. He was waiting for my reply like I meant something to him, and my answer could either make him rage out or ease some of the pain I could so easily see.
“I’m okay,” I replied, and I honestly was, for the most part. I continued at Elijah's dubious expression. “No, really, I’m fine. Griffin and I talked a lot last night, and that helped. I will always miss Liam and Father and wish they were here, but I’ll be okay. I’m upset about Father, obviously, and hurt that he lied. And that I keep finding out more, but I can handle it.“
Elijah nodded. “I miss them,” he said, his hand falling heavily off my chin.
One sentence, three small words, and my heart ached. Somehow, Elijah's pain hurt more than my own.
“I know,” I choked out. “Elijah, I am sorry for what I said to you. Before. About Liam. You didn’t deserve any of that.”
I blinked, trying to dry my eyes, finished with crying for the rest of my life. Elijah's thumb ran across my cheek, wiping a tear that had stubbornly escaped. He pulled me into his embrace. One hand held my face to his chest, the other wrapped around my lower back. He held me tightly, his touch taking away the chill from the night air.
