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I glance at him, flipping open the file. It’s not that I think Nikolai is playing on my feelings for him, exactly—I don’t even know that he knows the extent of the feelings I once had—but I can tell that he’s hoping I’ll do him a favor and handle this. “He’s paying well, I assume?” I ask wryly. The membership is the same for everyone, of course, but different girls have different pricing structures, and Nikolai likely would have led with mine.
“He is,” Nikolai confirms, as I look over Matvei’s description and photo.
He’s not an unattractive man, not that it really matters to me. I can’t remember having been sexually excited by a client in years, not outside of Nikolai, and I don’t think he really counts. Matvei looks to be in his late twenties or early thirties, with short, close-cropped blond hair and dark blue eyes, leanly built. He is certainly more attractive than the last client I saw tonight, but nothing stirs in me when I look at him.
I’m honestly starting to wonder what it would take to make me really want someone again.
I let my gaze drift down the form he filled out, scanning along the lines, and I wince when I see that he’s requesting a submissive only. “You know I don’t really like this.” I tap the form. “Especially for a man you already have reservations about. I don’t want to get on my knees for him while he calls me a good girl.”
Nikolai chuckles. “I know.” He takes the file back from me as I hand it over, letting out a breath. “I was hoping you might make an exception for me, though.”
I did make an exception for you, for a long time.I know that’s not what he means, though. He wasn’t referring to the nights we spent in the room upstairs, me lashed to a St. Andrew’s cross or cuffed to a spanking bench while he took out his frustrations on my flesh until we were both desperate. Every session ending with him fucking me until we were also both thoroughly satisfied. He’s asking me to make aworkexception, not a personal one. I shove away memories of his fingers hooking into a ring on a collar around my neck, dragging my mouth to his hard cock as he told me to open my mouth for him.
I miss those nights more than I should, especially when there’s no chance of them ever happening again. I shouldn’t feel that he was my last shot at actually being with someone who arouses me—I’m only twenty-six, for fuck’s sake, not exactly an old lady—but lately, it’s felt as if I’m never going to experience that kind of desire again. I don’t even see anyone out in public anymore who stirs me. For a while, I even wondered if years of this work had caused my desires to shift towards women—it’s rare for women to apply for access to the Ashen Rose—but a few dates proved that wasn’t the problem.
It feels like something has gone to sleep inside of me and just won’t wake up.
“I have two exceptions already,” I remind him. “They each show up here once a month, and I put on the pretty lingerie and pretend that I like being told what to do, because they pay you alotof money and they tip me well. Ireallydon’t want to add a third, Nikolai. Especially one you seem to think is going to be difficult to keep from getting out of hand. I like the ones who pay me to keep them in line, not the ones who are trying to push my boundaries from the moment they step into the room.
“I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do,” he says quietly, slipping the file back into the drawer. “That’s not my style, you know that—”
Except in the bedroom.I keep that thought to myself. It isn’t going to help either one of us in this conversation.
“—and I’ve learned my lesson recently in involving others in my business when I’m not sure of the outcome.” His lips press together against some thought that I can tell he’s not going to share. I’m not sure what it is he’s referring to, but whatever it is, it’s a memory he doesn’t like to think about. “It will be worth your while, financially, to do this. And I would greatly appreciate it. I’m not sure which of our usual submissives will be able to handle a man like this.”
“Like what?” I frown. “I know you better than to think you’d allow someone in here that you truly thought would hurt us—”
“According to rumor—” Nikolai shrugs. “Like me, but more reckless, more careless. A man who enjoys bloodshed, but, unlike me, doesn’t think about the consequences. I think the rules of the club will be needed to keep him in line. And you know how difficult it is, sometimes, for our submissives to remember that the rules are there for their protection.”
I know what he’s saying—that as a natural domme, I don’t have that issue. I’ll stop a session in its tracks, no question, if a client steps out of line. I don’t care about their disappointment or their pleasure. They agreed to the rules when they walked in the door, and they’re expected to abide by them.
Not every girl here has that kind of backbone.
I let out a long, slow breath.Wasn’t I just thinking earlier, that if I could bring in more income, I could set myself up for a different life?More money means more independence, more choices, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for myself. My life has never been easy, and for all of it, I’ve sought ways to make certain that I didn’t need to depend on anyone other than myself. That was part of the reason why, even if Nikolai had ever asked, I wouldn’t have married him. My life wouldn’t have been my own any longer, if we’dreallybeen together. My choices wouldn’t have been my own. And I could no longer have been wholly myself.
That has always mattered to me more than anything.
If I have to put up with whatever bullshit Matvei Kotov wants from me for an hour or two a couple of times a month or so, isn’t it worth what I’ll get from it? I don’t want to do this forever. If I please him, there’s no telling how much profit I might be able to squeeze from him before he gets bored.
“Fine.” I narrow my eyes at Nikolai. “But if he takes one step out of line—”
“Absolutely,” Nikolai assures me. I don’t even have to finish my sentence for him to know what I mean. “I approved his application to try and start off on the right foot, but I’ll be quick to terminate that relationship if he causes problems. He needs to prove himself to me, not the other way around.”
I nod, letting out a slow breath. “Does he have a session booked yet?”
“He’s already bought in to the poker game this weekend,” Nikolai says. “I intended to set you up as the prize this time. If he wins, that will be his first night with you. If he doesn’t, you being there will whet his appetite enough that he’ll be eager to book one. If it goes well, perhaps there’s a business relationship to be negotiated between his organization and mine. If not—”
This time, it’s Nikolai who doesn’t need to finish his sentence for me to know where he’s going with it.
“Alright.” I shrug. “I suppose we’ll see how the game goes, then.”
“We’ll see.” Nikolai gives me another small smile. “That’s all. Go enjoy your break before the next client shows up.”
Back in my dressing room, I sink into the chair across from my vanity, leaning my head back and briefly closing my eyes. I know what game Nikolai was referring to—there’s a high-stakes poker game run every few months at the club. The prize is always a session with one of the girls, a different one chosen for each game, until we’ve all done a rotation. It’s been some time since it’s been me. It’ll be just another night at work, except I’ll be expected to put on a show for the men as they play, a distraction to throw them off and make the game more difficult. A throwback to the days when I danced on stage, except far more lewd.
And at the end of the night, I might be spending time with Matvei.If I’m lucky, he’ll step a little out of line but not too much, and Nikolai will rescind his membership.I feel guilty for thinking it—Nikolai will benefit more from a good working relationship with this man—it’s just another sign, as far as I’m concerned, that I need to start thinking about what my life looks like with a different career path. This one is wearing on me more than I should.
My phone goes off, the alarm reminding me that it’s time to start getting ready for my last session of the night, and I get up reluctantly, shedding the robe.Two more hours, and you can clock out, Asha.
