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There’s a long moment of silence, as if he’s trying to decide what to ask and what to keep silent about. “I don’t want to push you,” he says finally. “I’ve seen a great many brutal things in my life, but what I saw in there—I can’t imagine you want to talk about it anytime soon. But if you can tell me anything about what happened—”
I breathe in slowly, closing my eyes, trying to push away the sick feeling that rises up in my stomach at the memory. “There’s a lot of details that I’d rather not talk about right now, that’s true,” I say quietly. “But what happened, really—”
It’s hard to meet his eyes. But when I do, I can see the hurt in them, the guilt. There’s a strange sort of intimacy between us—two people who have shared a certain kind of pleasure but not gone all the way, in a circumstance that doesn’t allow them to be as close as if they’d met otherwise. Yet, I trusted my life to him. I don’t know everything about him, and he certainly doesn’t know everything about me, but I know something—I think, in some ways, I’ve glimpsed parts of him that I’m not sure if many others have. I know what he’s thinking at this moment, that it was all for nothing, that Matvei got out of control before I could get anything of use, that he’s failed. And I’m surprised by my own reaction—a sharp, clenching pain in my chest at the thought of him blaming himself for it.
“I gave him my safeword, and he ignored it,” I say quietly. “It’s not the first time—”
Finn’s head snaps up. “What do you mean?” he asks gruffly, and I wince.
“That’s why Nikolai didn’t allow him back. When he won the night with me at the poker game—he hurt me more than I felt comfortable with. I used my safeword, and he ignored it. There are plenty of safeguards at the Rose, so aside from how awful that feels, I wasn’t in any real danger. But this time—”
“Fuck.” Finn’s jaw clenches. “I’d never have let you go in there if I’d known that—”
“I thought I’d be able to manage it. I thought—” I don’t have any real excuse, other than that if I’d known well enough if I told Finn, he would have called it off. And the money was too good to turn down, to not take the chance.
He realizes it, too. I can see it on his face. “Do you really want to get out of this city so badly?” he asks quietly. “Why, Asha?”
“That’s my business.” I hate the words even as they come out of my mouth, especially after all he’s done for me, but I can’t open up to him. If I do, I’ll tell him everything, and then—
I’m so close to a precipice that will take us both into something we’re not ready for. That I’m not prepared for.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I should have told you. I should have let you know all of what the risks were.”
“I—” Finn shakes his head, taking a slow breath, as if he’s trying to wrestle his emotions under control. “God, Asha, do you have any idea what it was like to see you like that? To see the woman I—”
He breaks off, his jaw tightening again. “The woman I was meant to protect, like—that.” He swallows hard, and I have a sudden feeling that the way he finished that sentence isn’t what nearly came out of his mouth—and I don’t know how that makes me feel. I should be more terrified of that than I am, and that scares me all on its own.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper again, and he forces a tight smile.
“You’re the one who had to go through it, lass,” he says quietly. “It’s not for me to be upset. More than anything, I’m worried about you now. I want to make sure—”
“I’ll be fine.” I feel badly interrupting, but I don’t know if I can handle whatever is going to come out of his mouth next. It’s too much—the gentleness, the kind of care I haven’t had in so long, and I have the horrible feeling that I’m going to cry if he stays here much longer. “I just need rest, you’re right.”
I’m not sure if he believes me, but he nods, gently touching my hand once more before getting up from the bed.
“Shout for me if you need anything at all, lass. The apartment’s not that big, I’ll hear you.” He gives me a smile and then gets up, leaving me alone in his bed.
—
It’s a week before I feel well enough to meet with Theo and Nikolai. I stay at Finn’s for all of it, and as if there were ever any doubt, he’s a perfect gentleman for all of it. He brings me meals, checks on me, and goes out to get pain medication for me, constantly there if I need help with anything at all—he never so much as hints at wanting anything in return. I’ve gotten a glimpse of just how brutal he can be in the flickers of what I saw that night, but he’s gentle with me. I can still feel the tension between us—it’s there every time his hand brushes mine or each time he brings me a change of clothes—but he doesn’t so much as remark on it. It just—exists, and with every moment that there’s a glance between us or that feeling of unresolved desire, I can’t help wondering if I made a mistake by putting so much distance between us, by accepting this job at all.
But how could I have known he would be so different?
“You’re sure you’re alright to do this, lass?” Finn asks me as we get ready to go to the meeting, knocking on the door to make sure I’m—in his words—decent before he comes in to talk to me. With anyone else, I might have construed his behavior as lack of interest—he hasn’t tried to catch a glimpse of me or touch me in any way that could possibly make me feel uncomfortable.
“I’m fine,” I assure him. I’m not dressed precisely how I’d like to be to go to a meeting like this—in loose black joggers, my boots, and a stretchy black tank top that leaves my arms bare and is soft enough not to hurt the places on my torso that are still healing. But then again—they’re the ones who want me there, not the other way around. They can take what I decide to give them.
“I’ll call an Uber for you, but I’ll be right behind you on the bike,” Finn says as we walk out to his foyer. “I won’t let you out of my sight, Asha.”
“Actually—” I hesitate. “I was thinking I could ride over with you. If that’s alright.”
He looks surprised at that. “I—of course. Are you feeling well enough?”
“I think so.” I bite my lower lip, wondering what’s come over me. I haven’t been on a motorcycle since Jamie, and all my memories of riding one are tied up with my memories of him. I don’t know what I think I’m going to gain by bringing all of that back up by riding with Finn, but I don’t want to go over to this meeting alone. I don’t want to sit in an Uber, thinking about what’s happened, wondering what’s to come.
Finn is the only person who has made me feel truly safe in a very, very long time. And right now, I want to stay close to him.
I think he sees that in my face, because he nods. “If you start to feel like you’re not going to be able to hang on at any point, lass, just tap my thigh, and I’ll pull over,” he says firmly, reaching for a different leather jacket hanging on a hook on the wall. “Here, put this on. It’ll help protect you from the pavement if anything were to happen.”
