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“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he whispers, and I shake my head.
“No. Not even a little bit—”
The slam of a door comes from downstairs, and I jerk upwards in mingled fear and surprise. Finn wraps an arm around me, slipping out of me as he pulls me into his arms, soothing me like a nervous pet. “It’s the cleaners,” he says calmly, stroking my hair. “But we should probably get dressed, before they get up here.”
I look around the room, at the scattered bodies, and back at Finn. It all hits me at that moment, the utter reality of what just happened, and I burst into tears.
When he gathers me in his arms, his hand still stroking my hair as he holds me close. “I’ve got you,” he murmurs quietly against my ear, those strong arms wrapped around me. “I will always keep you safe, Felicity.”
And for just a moment, as we sit there together in the middle of the blood-drenched bed, I can almost believe that it’s true.
—
It all feels different in the early morning light, standing in front of my apartment.
Nikolai and Theo filled us in on what had happened just before and after the attack. Matvei had men staking out the safe house for a few nights before he made his move, finding exactly the moment between guard changes when there were the fewest, and his men could slip in and take out those that were there. Nikolai is convinced that one of the other organizations must have arranged it—he doesn’t believe Matvei was canny enough to have come up with such a strategy—and he and Theo are making a point of ensuring that with the head of the snake cut off now, the other gangs slide back into obscurity where they belong.
The look on both Nikolai's and Theo’s faces when they said that was enough to make me glad that I’ll have no more part in this. I could see that there’s violence coming, a wave of it to ensure that those who allied themselves with Matvei are ground back into the dust, and there will be plenty of blood to follow. Blood that I want nothing to do with.
Matvei deserved to die, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have nightmares for a long time about what happened.
Finn wanted to make sure I made it home safely, and I couldn’t find the heart to tell him no. Truthfully, I didn’twantto tell him no. I wanted him there with me, all the way up to the front door, and beyond it.
I want him with me always. But looking at him as we stand there on the sidewalk, all the horror of yesterday washed away and only the bruises and healing cuts remaining to remind us of what happened to send us there in the first place, I feel that old fear creeping back in. That old certainty that if I give in to what I want, if I tell Finn how much I wanthim, that it will doom us both. That loving another man who lives a deadly life will only result in my heart being torn out of my chest for a second time.
I know Finn sees all of that in my face. I wait for him to tell me what he feels, whatIcan see written in his, but he just looks at me, and I see resignation replace the hope that had flickered there only a moment before.
“Ask me, Felicity,” he says softly, and I know what he’s asking for. I know what he wants—for me to ask him to stay, to ask him to be mine, to ask him for a future that we can piece together bit by bit, however we please.
The words are on the tip of my tongue. I think of how terrified I was when I thought I lost him. How the idea of finding him dead on the floor tore me apart. How all I wanted was for him to be safe.
It makes me want to ask him to stay. And it also makes me want to run.
I don’t know how long we both stand there. But for Finn, I can see it’s too long.
He takes a step back, his jaw tightening. “Goodbye, Felicity,” he says, and his voice is so hard, so full of hurt, that it breaks something inside of me anyway. It’s only then that I realize that either way, my heart was going to break. There’s no protecting it any longer.
If I ask him to stay, there’s at least the chance of a future together. A chance at happiness. But by the time I open my mouth to speak, he’s already gone.
I only just manage to make it into my apartment and into my bed before I dissolve into tears, the kind of choking, wracking sobs that make me feel like an empty shell by the time they fade away, leaving me with nothing to do but to fall into a restless sleep filled with awful dreams.
It’s dark when I wake up again. I jolt awake, thinking for a brief moment that I’m late for work, scrambling for my phone before everything clicks back into place, and I remember that I’m not expected at work tonight. If not for what happened, I would still be at the safehouse with Finn.
Finn.
My chest clenches all over again with pain at the thought of him, aching in a way that brings fresh tears to my eyes.How long before I have to go back to work?The thought brings a sinking dread, and it’s at that moment that I’m not sure I can go back at all, no matter what I promised Nikolai about a two-week notice.
For the first time in days, I check my bank account, and my stomach drops when I see the numbers there. Theo kept his promise. There’s more than I’d imagined there—enough that if I wanted to, I could quit. I could leave.
I could start over.
I can’t stay here.This city is big, but it’s not big enough with Finn here too, not when I’m already desperate to see him again, my heart breaking every time I remember how things ended between us this morning. I reach for my phone, scrolling until I find our texts, my heart pounding in my chest.
Maybe I can fix it. Maybe it’s not over yet.
I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself this morning. Can we talk??
I sit there for longer than I’d like to admit, staring at the phone. There’s nothing. No response. No sign that he’s even read it. I wait and wait—and then, at last, I call Nikolai.
