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I balk. “You’re really comparing not mentioning an engagement to—”
“No, no.” He rubs his eyes then runs his hands through his hair. “What I mean is, since you and I have been paired, there’s been so much going on. First with you turning, then your final trial and Connor, the psychosis, Westcott, trying to find you—it never seemed like the right time to tell you. And God, I—I didn’t plan on falling in love with you!” The words sit in the air for what feels like a lifetime before he continues. “I didn’t plan on getting involved with you at all beyond our partnership because I knew what kind of target that would put on you. But I—”
“But you did. You did getinvolvedwith me. And you never thought to say,Hey, by the way, I’m engaged?”
“Valerie.” He spreads his hands wide, his voice coming out like a plea.
“When were you going to tell me? Because it wasn’t before you slept with me. It wasn’t before you told me you loved me. It wasn’t before you asked me to be with you and no one else. Were you just planning on riding this out with me for as long as you could until you had to turn around and marry her instead?”
My voice spikes up an octave by the end, and I hold up a shaking hand, not wanting to hear his response. Not wanting to have this conversation at all. I just want to go back to twenty-four hours ago before this entire fucking mess.
“I know I should’ve told you sooner—”
“How the fuck did you expect me to react to this?” I try desperately to hold on to the anger, but my voice is quivering, and now that the tears have started flowing, I know there’s no stopping them. “How did you…how could you…” I hiccup, cover my face with my hands, and turn away from him.
He doesn’t get to see me cry. Not over this.
Because I have been wrong about so many things in my life, so many people, but this?Him?
It feels like the floor has been ripped out from under me and the walls have been torn from the building around us, exposing not the estate grounds, but limitless, dark outer space, and there’s no gravity tethering me to the floor anymore.
“You have every right to be angry with me,” he says, his words coming out rushed and desperate. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for the way you found out.”
His hands brush my arms from behind, and I jerk away, hating the way warmth soars through me, how my body still reacts to his touch.
“I love you,” he all but whispers. “I love you so goddamn much, and I am so sorry.” The bond warms in my chest, and a small shiver runs down it like fingers stroking skin.
“Did you know…that she…”
“I had no idea she was coming. Valerie, I swear.”
I hold up a hand to stop him before he can touch me again. “I believe you,” I force out through the lump in my throat and lift my arms out to the sides. “But I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s still true. And she’s still here.”
“I know,” he says roughly.
“So what are you asking me? Am I supposed to be okay with this? You want me to slip in and out of your room in the middle of the day when no one can see me like I’m your dirty little secret?”
“God, of course not.”
I shake my head, fighting another wave of tears, and turn away.
“I will fix this. I swear to you—”
“So what happens if you don’t marry her? If you break the agreement with Vasiliev?”
A muscle feathers along his jaw. “With the current state of things, they wouldn’t take it lightly. And with the Carrington estate in such a vulnerable position right now….”
I pace to the opposite side of the room.
“I’m not going through with it,” he insists.
“So then, what? I get to blame myself for whatever happens if you don’t? I get to spend my whole life knowing it’s my fault? All the people who die, that blood would be on my hands just as much as yours.”
“No—”
“Then what do you want me to say, Reid?”
“I want you to say that you trust me!” he shouts. His chest rises and falls rapidly with his breath as he shoves a hand through his hair, fighting to rein himself back in. “I want you to say that you trust me to fix this. I don’t know how yet, but I want you to say you have faith in me to figure it out. I will not let all those people die, but I will not lose you either. I need you to believe me when I tell you that I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anything, I love you.”
