Page 164 of Until Now


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It speaks of destruction and ruin and despair. He plays as if each strum is wrenched from the deepest, darkest part of him. His singing voice is just as lovely, guttural and full of emotion. My toes curl at the sound of it.

It’s a song about himself. Perhaps the darkest parts of him. I remember every conversation we’ve shared behind the protection of our phone screens, and I see him clearly, and he lets me. The light from the fire reflects in his eyes, letting me see every moment of hopelessness and longing and fear. The story is about a young man who started mixing with the wrong people, becoming influenced by them, resulting in years of addiction and watching a friend die as a consequence. He finds solace in his school work, distracting himself from thoughts. And then he meets someone. A girl with an appetite for dreams, who believes they’re as achievable as the last thing, who believes she can reach out and touch the stars. And she makes him wonder, makes him determined, makes him come alive, makes him want to better himself, makes him believe his own dreams are achievable, too.

I know he’s not talking about Genevieve. I know who those words are for, and they’re not for her.

They’re for me.

The song builds and builds, crashing into a rifting crescendo that makes me think of kissing in the rain and forbidden love and falling, falling, falling—

He drags out the final chord, letting it whine and growl, and then applause erupts.

But I don’t move.

Neither does he.

We stare at each other. Utterly still. Barely breathing. Just existing.

He’s not embarrassed. He doesn’t shy away from me.

And I let him see me. See the unspoken words in my eyes. There’s no hiding it now. If I tried to suppress it, I’d surely cleave open.

I don’t breathe as we walk to the Stagg and get in. At least, it doesn’t feel like I do.

CHASE

She’s a charged energy beside me. I’m aware of every breath she takes and every bite of her lip and—and fuck, how I want to bite those lips.

FRANKIE

I’m aware of every breath he takes and every movement of his throat and every stiff gear change.

He’s everywhere, like the very air around us.

I can’t stand the distance between us. It feels longer than when he was in France.

I wring my hands together to keep from touching him.

I just want to be home already so I can breathe again, with a solid wall between us.

CHASE

We both jump out of the car simultaneously, racing for fresh air.

Her bare arm brushes my skin, and she has no idea how it takes everything out of me not to lift her and pin her against the wall and kiss her until we forget our own names.

FRANKIE

Idart for Chase’s bedroom, feeding the cats with such haste on my way through that biscuits scatter across the kitchen.

I slam my door and lean against it, tipping my head back against the wood and closing my eyes.

CHASE

Itip my head back against the door and close my eyes.

I can’t block out the look in her eyes. I know she saw me. Saw everything.

It was stupid.Stupid. She’s just finished with that prick, and this is the last thing she needs.

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