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Me:prove you’re not a robot
Kai:is this your way of asking me to go outside in the pissing rain to count the zebra crossings and traffic lights??!
I snort.
Kai:why are you asking about love, Tess? Do you have someone in mind, or is this genuine curiosity?
Kai:I also charge by the minute for my love expertise
I close my eyes, and two revelations strike me: one, that this is definitely not about Archer. It’s difficult to know what love truly is, but I know what it isn’t. And two, that this is definitely about Chase.
After the party I was confident I’d let him go. Even after he dropped me home Saturday morning. And it was getting easier, telling myself I didn’t care about him, until I saw him in the car park. No matter how much time passes between seeing him, when I do, all those feelings I’ve ignored come rushing back.
Telling Chase how I feel will change nothing between us. He doesn’t reciprocate what I feel for him, but I feel bad for Archer. I know I’ll never feel that way for him, and it isn’t fair to string him along like this.
It would be okay, I think, if he allowed me to get close enough to him to actually know him, but he holds me at arm’s length. It’s weird, but I couldn’t evenimaginehugging him.
Maybe it’s because I’m sitting on my porch wrapped in a woollen blanket and it’s raining, but I have the sudden urge to spill my truths.
Me:there’s this guy…
Kai:go on
Me:okay Lord Farquad;)
Me:I’ve liked this guy for a while but I don’t know if I’m just infatuated
Kai:most relationships start with just infatuation. You don’t just instantly fall in love with someone. I don’t think that’s what love is
Kai:I think love is more complex than that, I think it’s waking up and choosing that person every day, I think it’s ugly and messy but you always come back to that person, like the sea always comes back to the shore
Kai:how does he make you feel when you’re with him??
Me:like anything is possible. I feel like I’m the bravest version of myself
Kai:okay that’s weird
Kai:what about when you’re not with him? How do you feel then?
Me:I feel warm from him?? Like even when I’m not in his rays, it’s like he’s still near me. I feel like I want to be the best version of myself, like he’s always watching and smiling at me
Kai:are you sure this guy isn’t just stalking you?
Me:I’m not that lucky
Kai:I know this isn’t what you wanna hear, Tess, but I don’t think you’re in love with him. I’m not saying it won’t progress to that, but right now, I think you’re infatuated. You can’t love someone you know nothing about
But I do know a lot of things about Chase. I know he likes bands and he plays football and he does up cars and drinks coffee. But I don’t know his favourite colour or his favourite song or movie or his morning routine—the little pieces that make up a person. It’s not like I can walk up to him and ask if he cleans his teeth before or after breakfast. But I also think those things are observed, not told, and when you truly care about someone, you pick up on these things because you notice everything about them.
Footsteps make me startle.
I look up and lock eyes with Archer.
We both freeze.
He’s soaked; rain flattens his hair and drips over his face and makes his eyes impossibly blue and my God he’s beautiful.
‘Are you hungry?’ is all he says.
