Page 73 of Until Now


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Suddenly I want to tell Demi her hair looks shit today, but I bite my tongue.

I’m not even supposed to be here. I happened upon the duo by chance when I was helping my dad from the taxi. He needed to collect some prescriptions from the chemist before we do our big monthly shop, so I decided to join Cass and Demi for dinner while I wait, but they haven’t said a word to me since we sat.

Kai:if you had to choose between leaving your family and hometown for a job you don’t really want but it pays really good, or leaving for a job you definitely want but it pays minimal, which would you go for?

Me:second one

Kai:Really?

Me:definitely. How much is a job worth when it makes you miserable? What’s the point in working your ass off for something you don’t want just to be too tired to do anything when you have time off? Mental health is more important than money

Kai:what if you need the money? What if your happiness depends on your income?

Me:I don’t think happiness depends on income. I think fear drives people into jobs they don’t want, but a steady salary doesn’t equal happiness; it equals being comfortable, and that’s not what happiness is

Kai:okay, Tess. Define happiness to me

Me:Happiness happens when you slow down, when you let go of tomorrow’s worries enough to be present. It’s breathing in the summer air and catching the smell of wildflowers in the wind and laughing with your friends and that feeling of joy when a cat comes over to you; it’s waking in the middle of the night and pulling your covers over you and you’re enveloped in warmth, and it’s being in the car with the windows down and listening to your favourite song. It’s like the mountain: if we’re too focused on getting to the top, we miss things, and happiness is found in the present.

Three dots appear, then disappear. I wonder what he’s deleting, why he’s hesitating.

Kai:Promise me something?

Me:Okay??

Kai:don’t ever let anyone quiet your spirit

‘What’s my brother said?’

I look up at Demi. ‘What?’

‘You’re smiling really creepily at your phone,’ says Cassie.

‘Like a cat when they’re about to destroy a Christmas tree.’

They giggle amongst themselves.

I roll my eyes.

Cass frowns at her screen. ‘He’s just asked if we can meet Friday29th. Don’t we have Chapter One that weekend?’

‘What’s Chapter One?’ I ask.

Demi shoots Cass a look before Demi says, ‘It’s a festival in the Peak District. Arch goes every year, but now I'm finally old enough to join him.’

‘Oh.’Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t—‘Is Archer actually going?’

‘Yeah, obvs,’ says Cassie.

‘Didn’t he invite you?’ Demi asks.

My face burns. ‘No.’

‘You wouldn’t like it, anyway,' Cassie says, as if she knows all about it. She flips a brown braid over her shoulder. ‘It’s just gonna be a massive fuckup.’

Why would Archer keep something like this from me? Even if he hadn’t invited me, he should’ve at least informed me he was going.

Or should he have?

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