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I'm not just going with the flow, I'mcreatingthe flow.
This isn't about doing what's expected of me, or trying to make someone happy, or avoiding conflict and keeping the peace, it's about following my heart. Simple as that.
"Do you want to tell Bishop first?" I ask, once we're all kissed out.
"Actually, yeah. If you don't mind?"
"Not at all." I loop my arms over his shoulders. "Tell your brother, and then we can make the grand announcement to the vet gang."
14
ROMAN
"I have some news," I say to Bishop at the shelter a couple days after Locky and I hadthe talk.
"Is it about the kittens?" he asks, not looking away from the computer screen. He's wrapping up for the day so it's probably not the best time to strike up a serious conversation. Still, it's the first chance I've had to see him all week.
"Partly. And also about me and Locky."
His head whips to me. He assesses me for approximately two point four seconds, before a devious grin grows on his lips. "I'm all ears."
"They're not that big," I deadpan, and he rolls his eyes. Had to knock the wind out of his sails a little. He thinks he's got it all figured out…and, well, actually, he has.
"Locky and I aretogether," I announce, even though he seems to suspect it already.
"That's awesome." Bishop leaps to his feet, rounds his desk, and bundles me into a tight, brotherly hug. "Happy for you, man."
"We're taking it slow, and it's still early days, but yeah, it's happening."
He pulls back and stares at me for a long time. Long enough that I start to think that maybe I've been walking around with something on my face all day. "Why are you looking at me like that? You're being weird."
"Sorry. I'm taking a moment… When you first showed up here…" He shakes his head. "God, I was so pissed at you. Of all the people to fuck me over, the last person I ever thought it would be was you."
That familiar shame, never too far away, returns with a ferocious vengeance and swamps me. "Bishop, I—"
He raises a hand. "Let me finish. Please. It took some time, but I made a conscious effort to forgive you. And every day over these past few years, I've watched you. You're working hard. Paying me back. Staying sober. And my decision to forgive you has taken on a whole new meaning."
"I don't understand."
Bishop smiles and braces my arms. "It sucks that we had to go through some real dark shit to get here, but where I'm at today, with you, is… Man, I love you more than I ever fucking have. I'm so proud of you, Roman. I couldn't have asked for a better big brother."
That does it. The walls surrounding my shame, my guilt, my pain crumble. Tears start falling. Bishop hugs me again, and I let myself bawl in my baby brother's arms.
"This is good," he says softly, rubbing my back. "Get it out. All that shit from the past I know you're still holding on to. Release it. You're not the same person anymore. Forgive yourself, man."
I take a step back, rubbing my hand across my face to wipe away some of the tears. "I don't know if I can."
"You can." Bishop stares at me with my own eyes. "If I can forgive you, you can do it, too. And believe me, forgiveness is a gift. It won't change anything that's happened, but it'll unlock a much better future. You are a good man. You deserve to be happy. Go into your life with Locky as the best version of yourself, not someone trapped by his past."
A light bulb goes off in my head. I'd never thought of it like that. I want Locky to have nothing but the best, and I guess that includes giving him the best of me.
"It'll take time," Bishop says. "And it won't happen overnight. But chip away at it. Day by day, week by week. And you'll get there. I used to think I'd never be able to look past what you did. That every time I saw you, I'd be reminded of it. But now, now I seeyou. Who you really are, not the mistakes you've made. And one day, you'll be able to look in the mirror, and you won't flinch. You won't see a fuckup or a failure or whatever it is you might be seeing right now. You'll see the kind, decent, hardworking, dependable, less-attractive-than-your-younger-brother man that you are."
"Thanks." I let out a snot-filled chuckle. "Need a tissue."
Bishop grabs the tissue box off his desk, and I blow my nose. "Thanks, Bishop. I love you."
"Love you, too. Now tell me, when are you guys telling the gang? Because heads will explode."
